don't forget...

Just a reminder to add www.waitingonforever.com to your readers!

We moved!

But not too far.

www.waitingonforever.com. Be sure to update your google readers!

I decided that I wasn't comfortable with having so many pics of J on the blog. So, from now on, the pics of our little man will be password protected. I didn't want to make the whole blog private because I love getting to share our story with so many people, but still wanted to maintain some privacy.

I know that I tend to stop following some blogs when they move but I hope I don't lose any of you! This is such an exciting time in our lives and I've been so blessed to have shared it with you all. Your prayers, support and shared excitement for us means the world!

Finally a father.

Wow, what a difference a year can make.

Happy father's day, my sweet husband. I am amazed at the journey that we've been on this last year, especially the last six weeks. I love being a mommy with you by my side.

Seeing you as a daddy has made me fall in love with you all over again. J had you wrapped around his tiny finger the second you laid eyes on him.


You're so attentive to him. You make him smile and coo like no one else. You've gotten quite good at changing those poopy diapers even though you swore you wouldn't touch them. Your reflexes have saved you several times from the stream of pee that usually hits me in the face. I love how excited you get talking about football games, hair cuts, fishing trips and picking out future girlfriends. Just like any proud daddy, you can't wait to show him off and brag to family, friends and strangers.


God chose YOU to be J's father. And what a lucky boy he is for that!

Just like I could never have imagined we would be here with this beautiful little boy in our arms today, I have no idea where our journey to parenthood will take us. But, I take comfort in knowing that regardless of where our babies come from: the 'ol fashioned way, a test tube or petri dish, a phone call from a stranger or me stealing babies from the nursery - I know that you will and can love them all with every inch of yourself. I know you share the same fears that I do, but I thank you for being my rock through this amazing, painful and beautiful journey. You never hold back - you love J with everything that you have. You remind me to have faith and relish in the joy of right now and because of that I am a better mother to him.

Happy father's day, Heath. And here's to many, many more!



And, to my own dad: I love you dearly. Just like with Heath and I, this little guy has stolen your heart as well. I love seeing you in this new role as grandpa - you're already a pro at it. I am forever grateful for the support you gave me whether that came in the form of hugs, money or horses :). Happy Father's day, Pops - I love you!

newborn pics

Busy. Will update soon!

For now - feast your eyes on these.

rollin'

Our little man turned one month old on the 3rd. We've had him for 4 weeks yesterday. I can't believe how quickly time is going. He changes every day and is so alert and active. He has already started rolling over (see the video proof below) and pushing himself across the floor. I think we're going to have an early crawler and walker on our hands!

We took J to my end of the year peds banquet last night. My mom was supposed to watch him but ended up being really sick. Luckily he is quite content in his carseat and just slept through the whole thing. He even slept through the 15 people passing him around at the end! I won the Intern Teaching Award. It's a peer selected award and it was quite an honor to recieve it! I have such an amazing intern class that everyone was very deserving.



In other J news, he was scheduled to have a visit with his mom on Friday. She didn't show. This is good news for us, but his father and grandma did show up. This was the first I'd heard of them since we've had J. I wasn't aware that dad was going to be in the picture at all. I'm not too worried about him getting custody. He's been arrested for child abuse and has a lot of the same issues as mom does. But, I am worried about grandma. I'm not sure if she would be interested in taking him or if DHS would even allow it. I feel secure with him right now, but worried that family is going to start coming out of the woodwork. I'm interested to hear back from my case worker what the story is with why mom didn't show up and how involved dad/grandma will be. We're headed to court on Monday and will hopefully find out about mom's treatment plan and how willing she will be to work on getting J back. Regardless of what her worker says, mom's actions show that she isn't very interested.

just the three of us.

Thanks so much for all the comments. You were right. All of you, for different reasons.

We decided not to go any further. I asked around today and the kiddo really does need quite a bit of care medically, not to mention the mental and emotional aspects of it all.

I think I knew last night that it wasn't the right thing for us, but Heath was game from the second he heard there was a little boy that needed placement. So far, each time we've gotten an "offer" (not sure what other word to use....) Heath has been the one to say "YES!" right away and I'm more level headed. We're both very emotionally driven when it comes to decisions, but thankfully I've learned to step away from the situation, evaluate and then move forward with my emotions in check.

I just appreciate the honesty and prayer you lent us and for not saying that I'm out of my mind even though I'm sure it appeared that way! Part of what I love about blogging is the feedback as well as the clarity that comes with just typing it out.

I can definitely see us moving forward with something like this in the not so distant (i.e. 6 months to a year or two) future but this just wasn't the right time or the right kiddo. Regardless, it's taught me that what I knew or thought I knew for our future family isn't what will necessarily be. I assumed we would have our own children and then adopt one day. That plan changed to adoption and then IVF for bio kids. Now I could see adopting a brood and being perfectly content. Who knows what God has in store, but it's exciting to see it unfold.

insane.

Tell me why Heath and I are seriously contemplating taking home a 2 1/2 year old boy from the hospital that needs placement. Rights will likely be terminated as DHS is already recommending termination. Are we out of our honkey tonk minds?

My mom's opinion (which I highly value): This isn't what we planned and we should probably space them out as if we were actually having children ourselves.

My response: Having J has completely opened us up to the idea of forming our family in a way we'd never imagined. We want to be parents - we don't care what shape, form or color that comes in. We have boat loads of love to give and this child needs it. Sounds pretty simple.

For the record, I do know that it's a crazy, hair brained idea. But, I can't stop thinking about how it would work.

Thoughts? Opinions? Give it to me straight, I can take it.

J says "Girl, you craaaaazy!"

fired up.

*accidentally hit post before I was ready....I get fired up and my fingers have a mind of their own!*

I am totally going to use this blog to vent. If I don't get this out here, I'll end up emailing it and getting myself into trouble!

I got an email forwarded to me from J's case worker that was sent to her by J's mom's worker. She said that we could do every other week visitation for now, but that it is important for us to realize that the goal is to reunify J with his mom and that it is ...get this... his right to see his mother. Which, in my opinion, implies that I was trying to withhold this right from him by suggesting less often visits.

Hold up.

Seriously? I am a pediatrician and pride myself on being child advocate and I'm pretty sure that this child's rights were violated a loooooong time ago. Don't even get me started on his rights. He had the right to be drug free while in utero. He has the right to be loved and cared for and have his best interest at mind. Just because he can't speak doesn't mean that we should assume his best interests are the same as his mother's (I use that term loosely).

Is this woman kidding herself? I know that she's just doing what she's been told by DHS but I cannot believe that an educated person would really believe that being 'reunited' with the birth family is always the best. DHS needs to change it's goal from reunification with the birth family to placing a child in a permanent, loving, SAFE home regardless of who that home is with.

Besides, what kind of message are we sending by putting so much weight on blood relatives? Yes, I'm sure there are plenty cases where just the trauma of being taken from your parents can be tremendous. But, the risks and benefits have to be weighed. The cookie cutter solution is not teaching these parents how to follow the rules long enough to get their kids back.

Whose best interest are we really putting first here? Who does it benefit at this point to have weekly visits? Who is going to advocate for J if Heath and I don't? But, if we stand up for what we think is best for him, we will be accused of having our own interests in mind because we've gotten more attached than we should.

I know it's waaaaay too early in the ball game to be this upset, but this email struck a cord with me. J's mom hasn't done much, good or bad, for me to expect DHS to want anything but reunification - but the culture of placing kids back into less than ideal homes just because they're blood relatives has got to change.

I was talking to my attending today who had a foster son for about 5 months before he was sent back to live with his birth mom in a rehab facility. I can't believe that DHS would take a child out of a stable environment to live at rehab with his birth mother. Is being with his birth mother so important that a child needs to move before she has really proven to have her life straight? Of course she's drug free - she's basically a caged animal who has been temporarily taken out of her poisonous environment! Put her back on the street and give her some time before putting that child back in her arms.

I don't think we can just expect failure either, but give these parents more time to show their colors before uprooting a child again and causing more irreversible damage.

Another friend's dad is a pediatrician who almost got arrested for contempt of court. While going to testify on a case he told the judge "I know you'll do what you're going to regardless, but my opinion is that if you place this child back with this family - the next time I see him, he'll be dead". Unfortunately, it was true. This is obviously the extreme, but it but it happens!

I just feel so powerless. I know that all we can do is pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. We have to pray that J's judge makes the right decisions and that God opens his eyes to what is best for J and only J. We have to pray that J's mom will do what is best for J. We have to pray for a peace about whatever may happen to him.

Sorry for this post - I'm sure it's all over the place and hard to follow. Writing in stream of conciousness is all I can get out right now because the thoughts are flowing so quickly. I really already feel better. I vented to 3 or 4 friends on the phone before even typing this because I wanted to choose my words wisely.

I feel better now.

4 weeks.

Our little man is 4 weeks old today! I can't believe he's been with us for a little over 3 weeks. Time flies. I've enjoyed my two weeks of playing SAHM a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still ready for a break and don't plan to ever staying home full time, but I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have to be there at 6 a.m. and poor Heath is not looking forward to waking up early to take J to the babysitter's.

We had a busy two weeks. J and I had a lunch date every day, one day we had two lunch dates! Every night Heath, J and I had plans to meet someone for dinner. I co-hosted a baby shower with the fabulous Rachel and a few other girls, worked in the garden, got the house cleaned up (finally), spent some time with my BFF and her little girl, went to the zoo, visited my parents, got my hair done (almost back to blonde) and got in a little too much shopping.

As far as the situation with J and his mom, we haven't heard much. J had his second visit with his birth mom last week. The visit was scheduled from 2:30-3:30. She showed up twenty minutes late. At 3:15, she said "Ok, I'm done". So, she spent 25 minutes out of the one hour she was given. I took it as a sign that she was losing steam already. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with this little guy. She sees him once a week at the most and she didn't even want to use an hour. Unbelieveable. On Tuesday we found out that J's case had been assigned to the Judge that we'd been praying for - he apparently is the judge known for giving birth mom's the least amount of chances - which was such a blessing! We also found out on Tuesday that mom had already called the CW twice to find out about the next visit. I did some emailing and found out that visits will be planned for every other Friday until mom can make some progress. Later in the week I got an email from J's mom's worker asking if I'd be willing to do weekly visits. Feeling protective and a little irritated that she's even asking considering the lack of interest his mom has shown so far - I said no. I told her that I felt that every other week was sufficient until his mom valued the time she was given. Now, I feel that maybe I was overstepping a bit, but I haven't heard back. Our worker said she agreed with me, but we'll see what his says.

This is a pretty boring post and way too much has been going on to even try to catch up.

We're still loving our little guy more each day. It's so fun to watch him grow and change. He weighed in at a whopping 6.9lbs at his 3 week visit so this week he's finally starting to fit some of his newborn clothes. We just feel so blessed. Beka and I talked a long time about everything last night and it's really amazing to look back on the journey that God has taken us on. I've already learned so much, with the most being in the last three weeks. As scared as I am to think about where this will go, I am so excited and cannot help but thank God every minute for this beautiful little boy.

Hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll try to post more this week.

busy.

I've tried to start this post three times. But, *something* keeps diverting my attention. (I wrote that on Monday....It is now Tuesday)

Little man is finally sleeping so I thought I'd hop on here for a quick post.

Things are amazing. Today is my second day of being a SAHM which I quickly decided is NOT.FOR.ME! I'm glad that I'm able to take these two weeks off to spend with J, but it's hard work!

J has another visit with his birth mom tomorrow after her first court hearing. I'm hoping to know a little bit more about her treatment plan and visitation schedule after tomorrow.

We've been doing a much better job of taking it one day at a time and loving J for the blessing he is now. I'll post some of the wisdom I've received from friends and family some other time but it has been tremendously helpful during all of this.

So....since I'm short on time and too tired to write a coherent post - how about some pictures?

First time feeding his "buddy" (that's what he calls J)

J and MiMi (or Lolly). We haven't quite decided on a name for her yet.

Megan and Paige. Megan and I started 'trying' around the same time 2 1/2 years ago and now we have babies 10 days apart!

J's first walk around the neighborhood. Please excuse me - I always look like a greased pig when I get off work.

First time to get his hair washed. I love this pic - he looks like a little man at the barber shop.


J after his first bath. Look at that face! So funny!

First time in his whale tub.

The nursery from the doorway.

From the rocking chair - where I spend many hours at night. This room still needs A LOT of work. I have nothing on the walls.
Oh, and that yellow dresser is an old 50's style dresser we found at an antique store. Don't have a before pic but it was gnarly. It's not the cutest thing - but it was $50 and works.

The cute little Ikea quilt I found.

J's first play date with Miss Paige today.

All right - that's all I got, folks. We're having friends over for dinner tonight so I have to run!

visitation.

Back from the visit. Compared to how the rest of the day went, the visit itself wasn't all that painful.

I was running late. I was rushing to get out of the hospital by noon and I got to the parking lot to find that my car was dead. I hadn't left any lights on, but it was dead.dead.dead.
A friend jumped my car and Heath came to trade me cars to ensure that I didn't make it home only to have a dead battery again.

Then, I was stuck in traffic. There was a fatal wreck on the highway that turned my 25 minute drive home into an hour.

If you know me, you know that I DESPISE being late. I get super stressed out if I think I won't be somewhere 5 minutes early. So, I was stressed to the max sitting still in traffic.

Turns out, that I think it all happened for a reason (duh.). My mindset changed sitting in that traffic from dreading our visit to making it my goal to make it there in time. It's silly, but I was so worried about making it there, I wasn't worried about seeing J's mom or how I'd react to her and J together.

As far as the visit...here is the email I sent to Beth at A'sH when she asked how it went:

"It actually wasn't bad. His mom is already asking about family planning meetings and was going today for a job interview. We're just having a hard time with all of this. I really feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing, but Satan is really working on us. We have let ourselves fall in love with this little guy and I'm not sure how we'll handle it if mom gets him back. It's difficult to know how to pray about it, other than just that we'll be at peace regardless and that J ends up where he will be the safest/happiest/most loved. Otherwise, I feel like we're wishing her to fail so that we can keep her son. Heath texted me today and said "If he gets taken away, I don't know if I can do this. It will hurt too bad". Break.my.heart. Not exactly what I needed to hear minutes before walking in to meet J's mom. Who knows where God will lead us, but it's difficult to imagine putting ourselves into this situation too many times.

So, we're just emotional about all of it right now. I'm trying to relish in the time we have with J without focusing on that 'what ifs'. I need constant reminder that this isn't about US. It's about J. And we're here soley to love him and care for him when he needs it - whether that be for now or forever. But, our hearts our involved and I question that we're in over our heads.

Being post-call and exhausted doesn't help the situation - makes me a little emotionally fragile. I know we'll be fine. We just have to pray that God will change our mindset about our purpose in doing this. So, pray with us that we'll be at peace and be able to enjoy J for whatever time he is with us. The meeting today made me realize that mom is going to work a lot harder to get him back than I had imagined. I think I underestimated her. Although, she is an addict and I'm sure things will change day to day.

Thanks for asking about today. It's crazy how I thought things would be simple and easy once we had a baby in our home - but now is the time that God will really start working on our hearts. "

::EDIT:: You girls are so awesome. Seriously. Words cannot express the encouragement I've gained from your comments. Thank you.

And, I'm feeling better already - I got an extremely encouraging email from Beth at A'sH, and a phone call that have brought me to my senses. I will not let Satan have the satisfaction of stealing our joy. On that note...I have a little guy to go love on :)

weekend recap.

Things are busy. No cute pics in this post. I'm stuck in the PICU on call again. Obviously the last place I want to be right now.

So, how is life with J?

Words cannot describe. I wasn't kidding when I said we were head over heels for the little man already. I'll post more on that later.

Let's recap, shall we? (Note: this may be a tad boring...it's more for my memory than anything. Bear with me.)

Friday: Took J home after a long night in the PICU. While I normally go home and sleep 6-8 hours after a call - that wasn't an option. Luckily the excitement had given me a natural energy boost so I was high on life for the day. J promptly filled his diaper with some nastiness upon arrival to his new home. I changed him on the kitchen floor. Weird, but for some reason that seemed like a reasonable place to do it. The day went well. He slept mostly. I complained a little that he was kind of boring and I wished I could take him to the zoo or for a walk. Apparently you don't do that with 5 day old babes. My mom (who was a life.saver over the weekend) was at the house to help out withing an hour of us getting home. Then, Heath came home and sat on the couch with him in his arms for about 6 hours. No lie.

The night was long. Long, long long. I ended up with about 5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. I felt and looked post-partum (but I still fit into my pre-baby jeans, yay! ;) ) Mom, Heath and I did shifts and I think J was up most of the night. At one point I was so tired I could barely stand and I thrust him onto my sleeping mother saying "I don't know what else to do with him!!!!" in a shrill, hysterical voice.

Saturday: My dad couldn't stay away after all the gushing about how sweet and cuddly J was, so he came up to join us. Against my better judgement (I am a pediatrician ya know...) we took J out to BRU and then to a Mexican restaraunt for lunch. The little guy didn't make a peep. And, he luckily didn't catch the bird flu either!

Saturday night was much smoother. J actually slept for an extended period of time and was a little easier to put down in his crib.

Sunday (my first Mother's Day!!!): The Corbin clan (I call them this because there are a TON of them! 8 kiddos, 2 on the way, and 8 adults) all came to visit. I am so blessed that they have been so supportive and are so happy for us. We just took it easy (as easy as you can with 8 kids running amuck) and ordered pizza. They left around 4 and Heath and I spent the rest of the evening staring at, kissing on and cuddling J. I'm not kidding - I'm pretty sure we avoided even getting up to pee because it would mean putting him down.

Unfortunately, I had to get up bright and early to head back to work Monday morning. My amazing husband took the 9pm - 4am shift, which means the poor man got no sleep, while I got my beauty rest. I woke up at 4, fed and changed J and got ready for work.

So, Heath has gotten to play Mr. Mom for the last two days. A job that he quickly found out is not one he wants to ever take on full time - even though he's a natural at it.

Today was J's newborn visit. He's weighing in at a whopping 6.1kg (OOPS, I mean lbs. We use the crazy metric system around here..), which isn't quite back up to birth weight. He'll be headed back to clinic next week for a weight check.

In other news, I decided to take some time off work. I originally wasn't going to. My reasoning being that since this is a fostering situation, I can't really expect to take time off each time we foster. But, things have been hectic with my parents trying to take time off to help. So, after Sunday, I'll be off until June 1st. It's not long, but I'm so glad I'll get to spend 2 whole weeks at home with little man. Then my friend Sarah will be watching him for 2 weeks until he goes to day care.

I've been amazed at how quickly our families have accepted J as their own. My parents were apprehensive (mainly concerned that Heath and I would get hurt through this process) but little man has them wrapped around his long, skinny fingers as well. Heath's sister was almost in tears several times this weekend because she's so happy for us and is already picturing J growing up with the other kiddos. So, all in all - amazing weekend. Probably the best ever. God is good and I cannot believe we've been choosen to love and care for this peanut. Regardless of it all - I'm loving it.

That's about it. I've got other stuff to post about - i.e. how I'm emotionally dealing with all of this, meeting J's mom tomorrow for the first time, and how Satan is really trying to convince me I'm not cut out for this, etc. But, we'll save that for tomorrow. For now, I'm off to bed since sleeping post call is a thing of the past...

blessed.

This is what I came home to after running errands yesterday.

Seriously, does it get any better?

I can't believe I have a baby in my arms on Mother's day. My heart is so full.

Heath and I are irrevocably (recognize that word, Twilight fans?) in love. I cannot even bear to think that this little guy won't be with us forever and ever. It makes my heart hurt to imagine giving him back. Once again - please pray. It may be months before we find anything out, but we know that we would be devastated if he left us.

Blah.

Needless to say, we've been a bit busy lately. I promise to update on how things are going as soon as I can tear myself away from my little peanut long enough.


Edit:: Happy Mother's Day to all you ladies out there. And, to those of you who are having a hard time today because you're still waiting for God to bless you with a little one - be patient. God is good and He wants to grant you your desires in HIS timing. Trust me, it's worth the wait!

headed home

Headed home with J yesterday at 1:00pm after being at the hospital 31 hours. New mommy glow or post-call grime? You decide.

melt my heart.

Meeting for the first time.

Heath fell in love the second he saw him and I fell in love with my husband all over again.

I knew he'd be an amazing dad, but watching him with J today has made me warm and squishy inside.

I love my boys.

no words...

I just recieved an email that said we were approved and J should be placed with us today!!!

I have no words. I'm so excited and nervous! I'll have a baby on Mother's Day!

Thanks so much and I'll keep you updated! I'm hoping to take him home with me when I leave the hospital at noon today!

Praise God!

not yet.

Still haven't heard anything.

It's 1:12 a.m., I'm on call in the PICU and I think I made a big mistake tonight.

I went and visited the little guy ("J"). I held him for about an hour. Fed him (he's a big eater). Stared at his precious little face (he has the most perfect little lips). And imagined taking him home with me in the morning (I even stuck the car seat in my car this morning before leaving for work).

I'm hooked. I don't know what I'll do if we don't get to take this little guy home. It's so far from anything we've ever done, that I can't quite imagine it really happening - but, at the same time, I can't imagine not getting him either.

Heath and I spend the day making phone calls and sending emails with no reply to either. I have no idea if our case workers have even spoken to each other. I have no clue if J already has a placement in the works. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it.

I mean, how hard can it be? We're certified foster parents, he needs a home - sounds pretty simple. I just hate that he's just sitting in the nursery when he could be at home in Heath's arms right now.

I emailed Beth from A'sH and she is trying to move things along or at least get some information for us. She said we probably shouldn't expect anything to happen Friday.

It just blows my mind how horrible DHS is at communication. Why couldn't we have received a quick phone call or email today telling us the status. They have no idea what it's like to be waiting on this end, obviously. Our entire lives could change at any moment and they don't even feel the need to call and say "It might take a day or two, but we're working on that placement" or even "Looks like another foster family has already been found".

Ugh. That's really all for now. Just needed to vent. Hopefully the next post will be a little more positive.

I'm off to see my new admit - suicidal adolescent...joy!

take a second...

and say a prayer please!

We have a possible placement in the works.

The little guy is in the nursery at the hospital and needs a home.

We are waiting for our foster care worker and his to make things happen.

No word yet, so I'm assuming we won't hear anything until tomorrow.

It's not a guarantee but I think there's a good chance this will work.

So, even though you guys have prayed a hundred prayers for us (and so many more than we deserve), do it again. Will ya? Thanks :)

And, as always, I'll keep you posted.

Oink, Oink!

This swine flu craze is killing me! I worked in the ER last night and cannot count how many people came in just to be checked. It didn't help that a few of my attending docs were in on the pandemonium.

I don't get it. It's just the flu, people! Am I missing something? As far as I know, the people who have lost their lives* are people who were in a fragile medical state and would have likely had a poor outcome if they had gotten the regular flu. So, that means most of us, including you - reader out there, are not at risk of having a serious illness with this flu.

I'm just not buying it. Maybe I'll eat my words when I'm quarantined in my bed - but for now, I think I'll see if I can take advantage of cheap flights to Mexico** ;)

*By no means am I saying that the lives lost aren't tragic - they are!
**I do not endorse any non-urgent traveling to Mexico.

strike one.

We got our first call today. We said no. It's hard to even type that. I can't believe we said no to taking a baby. I feel a little guilty.

2 1/2 weeks old Native American boy with some minor health issues.

My knee jerk reaction was to say yes, leave work right away and bring the little guy home with me. There were reasons to hesitate, but I figured we could work all that out later. I instantly imagined waking up in the middle of the night for feedings, rushing to get the right size of diapers on the way home, snuggling with a little one on my chest while I watch 90210 tonight ;) But, this is a child! Not a top from Target that I can return tomorrow if it doesn't fit quite right. Unfortunately we had to think quick. We knew that every minute it took us to make a decision, another family could have been found for him.

Heath and I tried to weigh the pros and cons through G chat while I left intermittently to see patients and he got phone calls from the case worker. In the end, we decided that this wasn't a good fit for us. For a few reasons. We were told in our parenting classes to avoid Native American babies if our intent was to adopt. Often times, families will foster a child for years just to have the tribe take the baby from them when parental rights are terminated. Also, while we have a day care set up, we don't have a plan on what to do with a baby that is under 6 weeks and can't go to day care. While I would love to take some "maternity leave" , I a) can't give them 12 hours notice that I'll be off for 4 weeks and b) can't take off for a month each time we get a placement.

I can't help but feel a little selfish. I mean, if we're going to be so choosy about which baby we take, who are we trying to benefit here? And, I know that becoming foster parents is mostly selfish on our part. We're doing it because we want a baby. Being a loving family to a baby who needs one is just a perk to the job. But, I also know that we have to be patient and wait for the baby that is right for us. We could be picking up our forever baby next time we get a phone call. And, while fostering is a "trial period", I don't want to be so nonchalant about it that picking up and dropping off babies becomes as common as the laundry.

So, while we had some excitement today, and we feel like we're getting closer and closer every day - today, we wait.

My week off so far.

We went to Lawton to visit my parents. My sister who I miss dearly was in town for the weekend. We drove out to the Witchita Mts, saw some Buffali (I think that should be the plural for buffalo) and then explored Medicine Park a bit. Here are some pics.

Not sure why the lizard got so much love, but we couldn't wait to take our pics with him. I want one for my own backyard. And how adorable is that little house? There were tons of these cute little cottages built up the side of the mountain. I'll take one, please.

I headed back to Lawton on Monday to spend the day with Mom and Sis. We went antiquing and enjoyed some girlie time.

This evening I headed to the OKC Festival of Arts with my friend Natalie. We ate waaaaay too much food (upside-down pizza and cheesecake on a stick are my faves) and walked through the Myriad Gardens. I tried to be a fancy photographer and try out the Macro setting on my new point and shoot. Not too bad for a beginner.

Keeping myself busy hasn't kept my mind totally off baby stuff. But it has helped. We signed our contract with DHS yesterday and now we are officially waiting! Yay! We were told we could get a call as soon as Friday. We were also warned that we would be offered kids who were not in our requested age range (0-3months) and not to be afraid to say no. So, we're expecting to get a few offers before we bite.

I leave tomorrow for Dallas to see some of my favorite people in the world. The plan is to stay until Sunday for Miss Gracie's first birthday, but if I get a call for a baby, I'm hightailin' it back home and won't be too bummed about it.

still waiting.

Is anyone still with me? This blog totally sucks. Where the heck have I been?

Unfortunately I haven't been blogging because there really isn't much to blog about. I get asked "when are you going to get a baby?" so much in real life that I can't bear to come home and type about it.

We're waiting. Story of our life. It's become a common theme around here. And what's worse is that we're not even officially waiting yet. DHS still doesn't have our home study. I got called about two weeks ago that the reader (who 'reads' the contract after it's complete) needed a new copy of my driver's license. I faxed it right away. I find out the following Tuesday that she still hadn't mailed off the contract to DHS. Fast forward to today, and our social worker has been out of the office all week. Last she checked (one week ago) she still didn't have our home study on her desk. I have no idea if it's lost in the mail of if it's sitting there waiting on her to return on Monday. If it is...then we'll be waiting.

It's frustrating, to say the least. We rushed around for weeks trying to get the homestudy complete - all the i's dotted and t's crossed. Just for it to sit on a desk for a week. A week that we could have had a placement! Beth at A'sH keeps telling me to be patient, that God has the perfect little one just for us. But I'm sick of being patient! It's hard to be patient when you feel like you're sooooo close!

Plus, I took a week of vacation this coming week. I can't tell you how many times I imagined being home all next week with a baby. It's going to be hard when the end of next week comes and goes and no baby! I'm still hoping that doesn't happen.

But, to keep my mind off the waiting, I have a jam-packed week ahead!
...my sister is in town from San Antonio for the weekend. So, lots of sisterly bonding time ahead!
...dinner and drinks at McNellie's with some amazing friends that are in town from North Carolina
...Heading to D-town for my sweet Gracie Ann's one year birthday. Has it really been a year already??
...Spending some time with Miss Emily while down in Dallas. Celebrating her last finals ever at the Glass Cactus!
...And, lucky me - it's employee appreciation for Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. My sister just so happens to be a manager at UO, which means super sales for me and lots of shopping in Dallas!

retreat.

My dear friend and fellow intern, Gina, posted a recap of our intern retreat on her blog. The videos are pretty humorous and thankfully she didn't post any pictures from late in the evening. check it out. Yes, that is me stumbling around in the canoe.


No word on a baby. Still waiting.

giraffe.

My latest purchase:

by OiOi

I love it! Isn't it such a cute diaper bag? I think I want a baby now just so I can carry this adorable thing around!

Papers are in. Home study complete. Contract signed. Now, we wait.

waiting.

Just for you, Rachel. :)

I've been a bad blogger lately. No excuses.

We signed our contract on Wednesday. Now we wait. I'm used to waiting. So, I think I can manage that. DHS hasn't received our packet yet. They should have it early next week and hopefully they have a little one just for us!

Also, please be in prayer for us and a birth mom who now has my phone number. My friend, Misty, is a family medicine resident. She called me today to say that one of her clinic patients is 13 weeks pregnant. Misty spent an hour and a half today discussing options other than abortion with this mom. She was originally considering abortion, but thankfully has not gone through with it. She's unsure if she'll be able to carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up, but also knows that she doesn't want this baby. She has about two weeks to make a decision and please be in prayer that she does not choose to go through with this abortion. Regardless of her final decision, and if it involves us, I want her to maintain this pregnancy and choose life. I really haven't given it too much thought - we've definitely been down this road before. But, I also know that God is bringing these people into our lives repeatedly for a reason. Three (and a half) independent adoption opportunities so far - one day, one of them is going to go through.

In other news, I spent the evening last night in a cabin with my intern class. We all got Thursday and Friday off of work so we could spend the evening bonding. We had a blast! I'm exhausted and have been completely worthless today. I'll have to post some pics whenever they start to pop up on Facebook - and a hilarious video. It was 24 hours of canoeing, paddle boats, hooka, tons of food, hiking, drinking games and LOTS of laughing.

Plans for Saturday...
cuddle my husband and work on the nursery. It currently looks like this:
Which is a HUGE improvement if you remember what it did look like.

Posting that picture reminded me that I hadn't blogged about our shower. It was amazing! We are so very, very blessed to have so many friends and family who are understanding and supportive of our unique situation. I could cry just thinking about how much I love these people in our life. We are more than prepared for a little bundle to join us any day. That crib is crammed full of things. The night of the shower, I just sat on the floor. Folding tiny onesies and wash cloths and trying to really let it sink in that this is happening. Do I really have a nursery? And a crib? And (amazing) stoller? Insanity. I love it.

p.s.

In response to a comment below.

No, I did not get the dresser. We went back to Rink last weekend and everything I had taken pics of was gone! I didn't realize they had such high turn over! I realized that the dresser probably would have been too short to use as a changing table anyway. I'm on the look out for something else and it will be even more fabulous than that perfect, beautiful yellow one. Tear...

The crib bedding is from Carousel Bedding. I just ordered a plain white bumper and crib skirt. I think it looks good and it will be versatile.

Ok, back to work. Sick babies need me.

white out.

My bedding just arrived :) I'm sure my sister appreciates that I decided to buy all white bedding rather than have her make it. I figured that after purchasing quality white fabric, mailing it to her, having her buy the rest of the supplies, labor and mailing it back - it was worth the money to buy. Not to mention, she didn't know what a bumper was - which made me nervous for the final product!

We put the crib together Wednesday night and I'll try to get the room cleaned out enough for a picture. I work all day Saturday and Sunday so I'm not expecting to get much done. But, trust me, it's nothing to see. Hopefully Sarah will have the curtains done soon (hint, hint, Sister!).

Have a fabulous weekend!

tired.

I really should update more often. It would save me some trouble. I'll try to do better.

So, after the post before last, I found out that we would, in fact, be ready to take a little one once we signed our contract. We don't even have to finish our DHS classes!

The only thing that could get in the way is our fingerprints.

Wouldn't you know that I found out a few days later...that would be yesterday - that my fingerprints got rejected. Not because I'm a wanted criminal, but because I have sweaty little fingers (gross, I know) that won't pick up ink very well.

After emailing our case worker and Beth (A'sH) a few times, I find out that fingerprints usually get rejected three or more times before the Bureau of Investigation (OSBI) approves them. This seems to be the huge rate-limiting step in the whole process. I decided to give OSBI a call this morning and they inform me that they won't do my fingerprints themselves until they've been rejected at least two times. That would mean I'd have to wait another month just to find out if repeat prints were rejected before being able to have them done at OSBI.

In comes Heath to save the day! Thank goodness for my husband being a pain in the butt (not mine) sometimes! He spent all day yesterday emailing our State Representatives and Senators about how awful this process is and giving suggestions about streamlining. Some of the fancy pants political guys actually emailed back. So, Heath called OSBI today after I did and threw around the name of one of his new BFF senators and all of a sudden it's okay for me to come in and get my prints done right away!

So, get my prints done I did! And they got approved by OSBI. Now we just have to wait for the FBI to approve them. And, since I got that tiny incident involving a reindeer, a loaded gun and a six pack expunged from my record - I should be good to go! (p.s. that was a joke).

In the last week we've gone from baby in June, to baby at the end of the month, to baby in who knows when, and then back to baby at the end of the month-ish. It's exhausting!

So, second home study tonight. Just to go over our questionnaire and then our contract should be ready to sign in a week or so! Our crib came in today. I'm exhausted from working so much and taking these painfully long and boring classes. And, now I must go cook dinner and make myself presentable.

End scene.

i love...

Your desire to always learn, I could use some of that
You are determined to do things yourself, where as I would just pay someone
Although I'm stubborn and not very willing, you make me open my eyes to things that I had decided long ago didn't belong in my life.
You are a pretty good driver. Sometimes. There, I said it.
You lose 15 lbs after running twice. Nevermind, that's something I dis-like about you!
All of my girlfriends are always asking about my hot husband. :)
You make me laugh. And you laugh at me. We're silly, and I love it.
You want to be a parent as much as I do. And you're okay with us doing it in a non-conventional way. I know that I'm so lucky to have found someone who is open to the idea of loving a child who isn't biologically theirs.
You are going to be an amazing father. I get giddy just thinking about watching you with a baby. I know I will see you in a whole new way and I can't wait.

I love you.

Happy three years, minus three days anniversary.

easy peasy.

30 minutes. That's how long the contractor was here. She was young, cute and totally someone I'd want to be friends with. She handed us about 2,364 questions to fill out (rather than spending hours asking us and then typing our response) and said that she'd probably have our contract ready to sign in 3 weeks or so!

Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm pretty sure we were told that once our classes were complete (March 30th) and our contract was signed we could have a placement at any time. Seriously???

I'll be emailing Beth at A'sH tomorrow to clarify before I start dancing around my living room - I'll let you know the verdict.

So, the big question that everyone keeps asking is "how the heck are you going to deal with giving a baby back after loving on it for x amount of time?"

I HAVE NO IDEA! All I know is that I feel, with 100% certainty, that this is what we're supposed to be doing right now. I am scared to death to think of having to give a baby back. Tears are sneaking up on me just typing about it. I don't know why God has chosen us to do this. It certainly isn't how I ever imagined I would build a family. But, I have faith that, if this is what God has had planned for us all along, He will give us the tools to deal. It's scary, and I hope that we don't have to say goodbye to many little ones before we find our forever baby, but I know its a possibility.

As scared as I am - I am giddy with excitement about what this means for us. I talked to my friend Kisha today. She said that just reading my last post, she could see the smile on my face. And, she's right. I feel so at peace, so full - and it's amazing! I really am happy. And, now that I think about it, it's been awhile.

That's all for now. I've got a questionnaire to knock out.

p.s. I'm totally going back to Rink to pick up that yellow dresser this weekend. It better be there - it's meant to be :)

wow.

It's been awhile, huh?

Where to start?

1. I'm in the NICU this month. Working 6a.m. to 4p.m. six days a week. Suck. But, this is my one and only month without call all year - which just happens to work out perfectly because...

2. We have started taking our DHS parenting classes. Our first class was last night. We'll be going Monday and Thursday from 6p - 9p. Which means on Mondays and Thursdays, I wake up at 4:30 and won't get home until almost 10. Kill me now.

3. I picked out fabric for the curtains. My lovely sister will be sewing them (quickly, I hope) and then making the crib bedding. I decided to go with this for the curtains:

It's a little more 'tangerine' in person.

I think it will look good with browns and neutrals. And I'll do all white bedding so that I can change it up a bit. I have some cute prints for the walls (like the months from this cute little calendar from Orange Beautiful) and ideas. We'll see how it comes together. I have tons to do, but...

4. I did buy a crib today! Eek! My first real baby purchase. I didn't go all out. Just a dark, cherry Jenny Lind crib. It's simple. I like it. It will be here in a week or so. A million other things to buy but...

5. My lovely friends at work are throwing me a baby shower! I was dead set against not having a shower, but they were pretty adament. And, once I gave it some thought, I realized that we do need a lot - and would totally appreciate some help. I'm still not sold on the idea of registering, but we'll see.

6. My fabulous, handsome husband sent me some beautiful flowers to work today. I think I'll keep him.


7. I'm lusting over a dresser we saw at The Rink - the most amazing antique store everrrr.

How amazing would that look in the nursery? Must.have. And only $169!

This one is also pretty fab. I'm a major fan of the robin's egg blue, but love the lines of the yellow one.


And, since I love the color. I think I need this lamp for our office too.


8. I kind of lied to you earlier when I implied that I hadn't bought anything baby-related yet. I'm a big fan of Etsy, so I had to support my peeps and purchase a few things...

Like this cute wipe case.

And this cute, applique onesie.

Okay, I think that's enough catching up for now. I need to go clean the house because...

oh, I forgot to mention - OUR FIRST HOME STUDY IS TOMORROW!

We're crazy nervous, but so excited that things are moving along!

I'll post more soon. I have tons of emotions about all of this happening and want to post about it when I have the time.

Is this really happening?

happy

Valentine's Day

My brother and sister-in-law just left. We had a blast hanging out with the family and some friends last night.

No big plans for today - just spending a relaxing weekend with my main squeeze.

We'll be working on the 'nursery' and putting the crib together. Then it's off to find fabric for the bedding. My sister will be making it for us - she's so fab.

Whether you go out for a night on the town, stay in and snuggle, or watch a good movie alone - I hope you have a lovely day.

::k spade::

obsessed.

I've done it again. I've found something new to spend all my time obsessing over - searching for and saving pictures, buying scraps of paper and fabric.

The nursery.

It all started last night on Rate My Space. I was just looking for some cute gender neutral nursery ideas. Now I can't stop.

Of course, we still haven't made a dent in that room I showed you below, but I have grand plans for it when we do! Here are a few ideas. (most from Rate My Space, but I didn't record who they belonged to).

::Cute and colorful::


I love the Martha Stewart paper flowers. I love the crazy patterned curtains. I really love that over-sized chair -- I'll add that to my wish list.

I like the colors in the pic, but I also thought something like this would be cute::

stolen from a scrapbook page here.

I think the shades of turqoise and lime green are adorable - and could definitely work for a boy or a girl.

::blue/brown paisley::



Those curtains are fabulous. Although I'm kind of over the blue/brown thing, I think this look could work for a boy or girl too - add some frilly pink for a girl or keep it butch (butch paisley? is that possible?) for a boy.

What do you think? Am I off to a good start or off base completely? Do you have any cute gender neutral ideas?

My brother & sister-in-law are coming up this weekend and brining their crib! I'm so excited to set it up and start working on the room. Maybe having a piece of furniture to add to the room will help motivate us to clean it out...or not.


::EDIT::
I just realized I never posted about our visit on Monday. It went really well. Very quick, much quicker than I expected. I found out early Monday from Beth at A'sH that I needed to baby proof the house. So, I left work early and rushed to Walmart to get outlet covers and cabinet locks. Turns out, I didn't really have to rush - we have plenty of time. But, now we have a nice start on it. The walk through was really brief. CW basically wanted to know where the baby would sleep (I showed her the disaster nursery! Eek!) and make sure we were clean and suitable. I think we passed :)

She's given us an estimated placement of May. I'm hoping we can push it up a few weeks because I'm off the last two weeks of April. We start taking our DHS classes on March 2nd. It works out perfectly that I get off at 4:00 every day in March and have no calls! So, we will take our classes from 6-9 every Monday and Thursday for the entire month!

I can't believe this is all happening! It hasn't sunk in that we will have a baby in our arms by this summer! How crazy is that? CW kept mentioning that we need to be prepared for several placements before we are able to adopt. It could be our 2nd baby and it could be our 7th that makes it's permanent home in the Corbin house. I'm not sure how we'll handle it if it turns out to be the second scenario - but I have faith that God will give us the tools we need to do it. I'm praying that our first match is 'the one', but we'll see!

Ok, this turned into a long update...that's all for now :)

Weekend.

Plans

01. Off Friday - spent several hours at the SS administration office to get a new card.
02. Fingerprints at the jail...again.
03. Dinner with the husband at Iguana Mexican Grill - our new favorito place. I'm jonesin' for a Coral snake margarita.
04. On call on Saturday - 30 straight hours of catchin' babies.
05. Chili cook off Corbin style.
06. Cleaning frenzy on Sunday because......


We have a house visit! Our case worker (we have a case worker now, btw...makes it feel more legit) called yesterday to set up a visit. This isn't our official home study - just a walk through.


Guess I should start working on this:


That would be our future nursery. I don't think we could fit a baby in there right now if we wanted to.