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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

visitation.

Back from the visit. Compared to how the rest of the day went, the visit itself wasn't all that painful.

I was running late. I was rushing to get out of the hospital by noon and I got to the parking lot to find that my car was dead. I hadn't left any lights on, but it was dead.dead.dead.
A friend jumped my car and Heath came to trade me cars to ensure that I didn't make it home only to have a dead battery again.

Then, I was stuck in traffic. There was a fatal wreck on the highway that turned my 25 minute drive home into an hour.

If you know me, you know that I DESPISE being late. I get super stressed out if I think I won't be somewhere 5 minutes early. So, I was stressed to the max sitting still in traffic.

Turns out, that I think it all happened for a reason (duh.). My mindset changed sitting in that traffic from dreading our visit to making it my goal to make it there in time. It's silly, but I was so worried about making it there, I wasn't worried about seeing J's mom or how I'd react to her and J together.

As far as the visit...here is the email I sent to Beth at A'sH when she asked how it went:

"It actually wasn't bad. His mom is already asking about family planning meetings and was going today for a job interview. We're just having a hard time with all of this. I really feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing, but Satan is really working on us. We have let ourselves fall in love with this little guy and I'm not sure how we'll handle it if mom gets him back. It's difficult to know how to pray about it, other than just that we'll be at peace regardless and that J ends up where he will be the safest/happiest/most loved. Otherwise, I feel like we're wishing her to fail so that we can keep her son. Heath texted me today and said "If he gets taken away, I don't know if I can do this. It will hurt too bad". Break.my.heart. Not exactly what I needed to hear minutes before walking in to meet J's mom. Who knows where God will lead us, but it's difficult to imagine putting ourselves into this situation too many times.

So, we're just emotional about all of it right now. I'm trying to relish in the time we have with J without focusing on that 'what ifs'. I need constant reminder that this isn't about US. It's about J. And we're here soley to love him and care for him when he needs it - whether that be for now or forever. But, our hearts our involved and I question that we're in over our heads.

Being post-call and exhausted doesn't help the situation - makes me a little emotionally fragile. I know we'll be fine. We just have to pray that God will change our mindset about our purpose in doing this. So, pray with us that we'll be at peace and be able to enjoy J for whatever time he is with us. The meeting today made me realize that mom is going to work a lot harder to get him back than I had imagined. I think I underestimated her. Although, she is an addict and I'm sure things will change day to day.

Thanks for asking about today. It's crazy how I thought things would be simple and easy once we had a baby in our home - but now is the time that God will really start working on our hearts. "

::EDIT:: You girls are so awesome. Seriously. Words cannot express the encouragement I've gained from your comments. Thank you.

And, I'm feeling better already - I got an extremely encouraging email from Beth at A'sH, and a phone call that have brought me to my senses. I will not let Satan have the satisfaction of stealing our joy. On that note...I have a little guy to go love on :)

16 comments:

Julia said...

wow, lots to ponder. take it a day at a time and try to remember to breathe. i cannot imagine your emotions but hang in there!

Molly said...

Girly, we need to get together and I know you've got tons of time on your hands, right? It's just so hard, this time, not knowing what's going to happen. I know what you are going through and I know at the same time that I don't know completely. Please let me know if you need anything.

I am praying for you and that sweet baby boy!

Two of a Kind said...

Oh gosh, Erin - I hate to see you struggling with this. You guys are in our prayers. The unknown is really scary, I know!

Jenn said...

Erin, this may or may not help. Just take one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. You put little J first and everything will work out the way it it supposed to. Enjoy every minute you have with him and don't fret over being late. You are the reason he is feeling the love this world has to offer.

Meredith said...

I am so impressed with you guys and your take on things...and that's coming from someone who deals with foster parents every day!

I think that in an ideal world, baby J would have some sort of involvement (ranging anywhere from visits to letters and photos) from both you AND bio mom in the long term--regardless of who he ends up with permanently.

But aside from all that, praise God for the wonderful work you're doing in Baby J's life! He is truly blessed to have parents that genuinely love and care about him as much as the two of you do!

Kristy said...

I have arrived at your blog through Moly's, so sorry for lirking but as I know there is a reason for everything we go through that being said I had to comment on this post because you could have ripped out a page of my journal and glue sticked it on your post and pretty close to word for word what I was saying a year in half-two years ago. Hang in there it is the hardest thing to go through, know that God knows what is going to happen but I know that doesn't make it easier. i will never forget calling my husband during the first visit with birth mom and saying I can't do this, we are going to have to leave the country with our baby if they say he's going back, of course I was completly emotional and not in my right mind but this was heart wrenching, and believe me you never forget the emotions you are going through, you sound like your in a good frame of mind doing this for him and cherishing the moment sometimes you have to keep repeating that to yourself even when you don't feel like it you are such a blessing to that baby hang in there feel free to email me if you ever want if you have any questions or just want to vent I have been there.

Jeremy and Mindy said...

Hey erin, wow, you are just facing so much, I am praying for you, for peace with whatever and however this turns out. {{hugs}}

mrs.leah.maria said...

Erin, I'm just praying for you girl. Every night.

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through nor will I tell you what or how to do anything. Just know that prayers are always with you and what great ppl you for falling in love with such a great little boy.

kim henning said...

hey erin - just to say i am so incredibly proud of you and see God's hand at work in your life. you have shown amazing growth and becoming a woman of great faith.
just remember to trust --- it is so hard when we think we know how it should end or what good plan would be--isn't that ludicrous that we think we can plan better than God? remember God had j's days planned long before he was born - and that included his time w/ you and heath. he also through this is working baby's best good, your best good, and birthmom's --- weaving all those facets together so that it works for good for everyone. remember isaac and abraham - how hard it must have been for abraham to walk that journey knowing ultimately he would have to place isaac on altar before God - but trusting that God had promised to give him a son and make a great nation through him... so God must somehow work out the details even though Abraham had to be prepared to actually sacrifice isaac... God has a plan for you and Heath, baby J, and birthmom -- you are right in the center of God's will right now -- awesome! we love you!
mother hen

Amber said...

You and your husband are amazingly strong and have such an incredible bond with each other that can not be broken by anyone. You are both so very selfless to be foster parents and to love and care for this precious baby. Some how, some way the man upstairs has a plan for all of us. Just always remember all you have been through with this process and how truly strong your faith in Him is. Hang in there and my prayers are with you.

Cortney said...

I know that God will give you the strength you need if a time comes where you have to give him back to his mom. And the amount of love you have for J can only multiple for the many other babies that you might be called to help. I pray that God will give you peace and love and joy that is beyond any you could ever imagine.

Kristal said...

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I just don't. All I know is that you guys are incredible for doing what you're doing and that I pray for you, Heath, and J all the time.

noahandlylasmommi said...

Praying for you guys.

kari said...

I've been on vacation, but I'm so happy for you and Heath. Take it one day at a time. I'm praying for you!

Mel said...

Wow...what a difficult situation! It is a strange concept to wish that you get to keep the baby and the birthmom won't.

I hope for the BEST thing for J. Thinking of you three.