visitation.

Back from the visit. Compared to how the rest of the day went, the visit itself wasn't all that painful.

I was running late. I was rushing to get out of the hospital by noon and I got to the parking lot to find that my car was dead. I hadn't left any lights on, but it was dead.dead.dead.
A friend jumped my car and Heath came to trade me cars to ensure that I didn't make it home only to have a dead battery again.

Then, I was stuck in traffic. There was a fatal wreck on the highway that turned my 25 minute drive home into an hour.

If you know me, you know that I DESPISE being late. I get super stressed out if I think I won't be somewhere 5 minutes early. So, I was stressed to the max sitting still in traffic.

Turns out, that I think it all happened for a reason (duh.). My mindset changed sitting in that traffic from dreading our visit to making it my goal to make it there in time. It's silly, but I was so worried about making it there, I wasn't worried about seeing J's mom or how I'd react to her and J together.

As far as the visit...here is the email I sent to Beth at A'sH when she asked how it went:

"It actually wasn't bad. His mom is already asking about family planning meetings and was going today for a job interview. We're just having a hard time with all of this. I really feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing, but Satan is really working on us. We have let ourselves fall in love with this little guy and I'm not sure how we'll handle it if mom gets him back. It's difficult to know how to pray about it, other than just that we'll be at peace regardless and that J ends up where he will be the safest/happiest/most loved. Otherwise, I feel like we're wishing her to fail so that we can keep her son. Heath texted me today and said "If he gets taken away, I don't know if I can do this. It will hurt too bad". Break.my.heart. Not exactly what I needed to hear minutes before walking in to meet J's mom. Who knows where God will lead us, but it's difficult to imagine putting ourselves into this situation too many times.

So, we're just emotional about all of it right now. I'm trying to relish in the time we have with J without focusing on that 'what ifs'. I need constant reminder that this isn't about US. It's about J. And we're here soley to love him and care for him when he needs it - whether that be for now or forever. But, our hearts our involved and I question that we're in over our heads.

Being post-call and exhausted doesn't help the situation - makes me a little emotionally fragile. I know we'll be fine. We just have to pray that God will change our mindset about our purpose in doing this. So, pray with us that we'll be at peace and be able to enjoy J for whatever time he is with us. The meeting today made me realize that mom is going to work a lot harder to get him back than I had imagined. I think I underestimated her. Although, she is an addict and I'm sure things will change day to day.

Thanks for asking about today. It's crazy how I thought things would be simple and easy once we had a baby in our home - but now is the time that God will really start working on our hearts. "

::EDIT:: You girls are so awesome. Seriously. Words cannot express the encouragement I've gained from your comments. Thank you.

And, I'm feeling better already - I got an extremely encouraging email from Beth at A'sH, and a phone call that have brought me to my senses. I will not let Satan have the satisfaction of stealing our joy. On that note...I have a little guy to go love on :)