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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

the sun'll come out

I am still in shock that this happened to me...

I felt like I had done a really good job at playing it cool today. I joked, I laughed, I only thought about A and the baby a few dozen times throughout the morning. But as I was leaving noon conference today, I was approached by a fellow resident with a furrowed brow.

"I have to talk to you about something very serious", he said. We're not friends, I mean, not really. We chat, we have spent a few hours in clinic together, but I had no idea why he would want to talk to me about something serious.

So, he goes on to tell me that "we weren't expecting this at all....we weren't planning it" .....
"but, my wife just found out she's pregnant". Suck. That was my first reaction. But, of course I congratulated him. Then... I can't even believe it as I type it...he proceeds to tell me that after hours of discussing it, they don't want it. AND, he wants me to help him find a place to have an abortion. SERIOUSLY? Why me? Of all people? On this day?

I calmly told him that I was the very last person he should ask about this as my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for ALMOST TWO YEARS and have had TWO failed adoptions. I told him that he had to stop talking or I would get very emotional on him. He kept talking. Guys just don't get it sometimes.

Thankfully I had to stop off along the way to get something and told him I'd see him later. Then, I.lost.it. Like, bawled my eyes out, couldn't talk, mascara running down my face. Lost it. I called my chief resident and told her I had to talk to her. I didn't think I could make it to clinic. How was I supposed to work? I mean, not only do I not agree with the decision he's making...it was just awful timing for me (because you know how it always comes back to me..I'm selfish like that).

Eventually, I calmed myself down enough to go to clinic. But, honestly, my breakdown probably didn't have that much do to with him. I just felt really hopeless today. I feel bad even typing that. I mean, I obviously still have hope. I know God will bring us a baby. But, I feel like our only avenue of getting a baby soon was this adoption. And now that door is closing. I know IVF is in our future. But, I feel like it's in our distant future.

This blog has become such a downer. I thought to myself yesterday that I was going to post pictures and something fun, and now you get this. So, to my 100 subscribers...stick around. I'll put my big girl panties on soon and entertain you a bit. But today is an angry day. Right after my encounter today, I asked "Why me? Why did you let him ask me? Protect me from these things, You know I'm fragile".

So, I'm now on my 3rd Corona. I know that's not a good way to deal with it. And, I promise I'm not an alcoholic, but a beer or eight just sounded good. So, Heath is on his way home with Bar-B-Que and beer and we plan on having a little fiesta tonight.

Tomorrow I'll be better. I always am.

27 comments:

kari said...

Oh Erin, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you, lots of prayers for you.

Julia said...

Oh, Erin. This sucks. It sucks a big fatty one, and I'm so sorry. Don't feel bad about venting on this blog....you are honest, and that is refreshing. Hang in there, it really will get better. I think the big girl panties are already in use anyway:)

Leslie G said...

I really wish I could rush down to OKC to give you a hug and drink a glass of wine with you!
And, your blog is not a downer. Look at it this way- when the day comes that you are blessed a beautiful little one, you will look back and realize how crazy, difficult and unfulfilling life can sometimes be- and realize that the prize was really worth the wait.

Sea Squared said...

Oh gosh Erin, I'm terribly sorry. I know people always say this but I'm a firm believer - everything happens for a reason. You are so strong and I admire that. Stay strong girl - I know HE has a plan for you eventho right now it seems like his plan stinks. It will get better, I just know it. *HUGS*

LeeAnn said...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry that he had to tell you that.
**hugs**

Moni said...

Omg! My heart just broke for you! I am REALLY sorry that this happened to you. That always seems to happen to me, right when i'm down I get kicked. When it rains it pours doesn't it? Or not. "When it pours HE reigns" I know God is going to pull you thru this. I pray for a blessing for you and your hubby VERY soon!! ::hugs:: moni

Jeremy and Mindy said...

Sorry Erin {{{{hugs}}}}
Your blog is NOT a downer. I read it everyday just keeping track of your progress, and I'm praying that God's will be done in your life. I truly believe in the providence of God and He allows all things into our life. One of my favorite verses, Delight thyself in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Hang in there dear.

abby said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile now and just have to tell you that you are one of the strongest and bravest people I have ever come across. In your situation it would be so easy to just give up completely but you keep on truckin' and keep the faith. It's inspiring. It seems so unfair, but like pp, I believe God has a plan and a reason for everything. I'm praying for you!

Agatha said...

I think it shows what an open & caring person you must be that he felt he could come to you with this problem.

I find it REALLY odd that they (him, as a Dr) wouldn't know where or how to get an abortion - almost worrying. It seems like a cruel twist of fate to have him ask you about it.

However, it's great that you were so professional about it all.

filipinobambino said...

Ugh. Oh my goodness. I can't believe you had to experience that yesterday. Yowch. Your blog is so not a downer, and I REALLY appreciate how open you are with all of us stranger friends. I'll be praying for you.

Kristal said...

Oh my gosh Erin. Heartbreak after heartbreak for you. I am so so sorry. I wish so badly that you were closer to me so I could bring over a bottle of wine and we could pop in a fun girly movie to get your mind off things. :(

And don't apologize for your blog being a downer. It's the perfect place to vent, and we are all here for you, supporting you!

Lisa said...

Erin, I am so sorry! I mean what are the chances of this guy choosing to talk to you about this. Hange in there and vent away.

mrs.leah.maria said...

Erin, that man is lucky you did not slap his mouth for saying such a thing to you, especially when you told him that he should no longer keep speaking to you about it, regardless of the fact that you gave him a very specific reason not to!

I started crying as soon as I read this, I just don't understand how your being assaulted fits in. Because that's exactly how I see it, you are being assaulted by these situations, they go against and hurt every sensibility that you have.

Your blog is not a downer, you are just using it in a way you didn't realize you would when you first started it. We wouldn't be here if we didn't care about you, whether you're funny or entertaining or not.

I hope you enjoyed your fiesta for what it was, remember what Job went through.

Mrs. Dimple said...

Erin... So sorry to hear you had such a crappy day. All of your "fans" (yeah, all 100 of us! ;-) care about you through the good AND bad days. It's going to be such an awesome day when your little one comes along, you've sure earned it. ((hug))

Lindsey said...

Wow, what an ass that guy is!! I don't think your blog is a downer at all. I am so sorry you have to deal with these things. It doesn't seem fair at all. I think your big girl panties are already on as well...you seem to be handling this pretty well, all things considered.

Cathy and Marshall said...

My heart is breaking for you - but I know you will become a mommy! Your honesty on your blog is refreshing; don't ever worry about it being a downer. I'm praying for a child for you!!

The Bullard's said...

If I would have been there I would have raged on him for you...I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously counting down the days until you come and visit. Love you.

Patrick & Sarah said...

You know, it amazes me how many people just. don't. get it. Even when you tell them your situation. I'm sorry that this jerk caused you to have a meltdown...but it's needed at times to just take some pressure off. I like to think on Psalms 52:9 which states: "I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good..." I also have a friend who has been going through some of the same things as you for almost 10 years and they just got their little baby girl a few weeks ago. Her blog is a great read...let me know if you're interested and I'll send it to you. Hang in there girl!:)
P.S. I heart your blog. It's not too negative and is a fab read.

RachelShingleton said...

What a moron! I can't believe he KEPT TALKING! You have every right to have slapped him silly.

Anyway, rest assured that your blog is not a downer. You are being honest and transparent. I think it's important to be honest about how we're really feeling and doing. Don't bottle it up -- vent away!

Andrea and/or Kevin said...

I hate this for you... Keep the faith, lady. I think about you guys so much!

Bluebird said...

This is the first time I've every visited your blog...but I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and your husband.

T-Wan said...

You know I've never bene to your blog before but the title of the post is correct "the sun'll come out" when you least expect it so keep the faith and hang in there. God's will and his plan will be revealed to you all in due time.

Giving you a big hug.

GnomeSweetGnome said...

Sorry to hear how crappy things have been for you lately. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. And for a chance to perk up your blog a bit, you've been tagged! Check my latest post for the details.

Abby said...

Tag, you're it!!!! Check my blog for details!

LC said...

I am so sorry Erin! What a crappy day :( Big hugs.

Also...it really is a small world! Where do you live and how do you know Jamie? Oklahoma City?

Rachel said...

oh my gosh... what a HARD thing to deal with.

Can't they give YOU the baby?!?

prepinparadise said...

Oh my gosh, that sucks. We have been trying to conceive for just 7 months, so I can only imagine how difficult things are for you. A friend of mine tried for 4 years before finally becoming pregnant, so don't lose hope!