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Sunday, September 28, 2008

chipped away.

I've been tagged by a few people.... I'll get to them soon, promise.

I feel like my "bad" days are coming more often. This weekend was a little rough (I say that a lot, don't I?). I feel like I barely recover from a blow and then get knocked over with another.

A had the baby. We never really heard anything. I actually didn't find out she had the baby until about 3 days later. Please pray that this baby completely changes her. I hope that this baby girl was all it took for her to do a 360 and get her life together.

I just found out that a good friend is pregnant. She emailed me and said she knew that I'd been having a rough time but she wanted me to hear it from her, which I really appreciate. She also said that she told me by email so that I could have time to process it and so that she could avoid getting her feelings hurt because she knew I wouldn't be as happy as she wanted. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to tell me and I hate that for her. Just because I can't have that, doesn't make me any less happy for her, but it definitely wasn't easy to hear. I love her and just pray that I can be strong and happy for her. I don't want to hurt her or make her feel that she can't be joyful over being pregnant.

I fell asleep crying last night. Praying that God would protect my heart, telling Him that I'm angry and hurt, and that I was sorry - but that was really all I had for Him. I feel like I'm being slowly chipped away. It's getting harder and harder to put on a happy face and go about my life like nothing is wrong. I am sick of watching everyone else experience this when it is something I want with every ounce of myself. Every time I saw a pregnant woman today, a dad holding his baby boy or mom walking through the mall with her little girl - it was like taking a bullet.

I feel so alone. Luckily I have amazing friends, a wonderful sister and a mom who would do anything for me. But, I know they don't know what to say when I call them crying. What is there to say? I can't even talk to Heath about it. Anytime he sees me upset about it he shuts me out -- he can't help but feel that it's his fault I'm in so much pain. No matter how many times I tell him that HE is the man I'm going to be with forever, and HE is the man that God wanted me to experience this with, he worries that I'll decide it isn't worth it to stick around. I never, never think about why we can't get pregnant - just that we can't.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like something has to give soon. Just last week I was saying that I was finally at peace with all of this. That this must be where God wanted me to be. I just felt okay with everything. I knew that we'd have a baby and I was okay with not knowing how or when. And then, this weekend happened. Now I just want to give up. I want to not want it.

This is a random, whiny post. It's okay if you don't even comment, really. I appreciate all of your comments, but sometimes saying nothing is okay too. I know that God has a plan, I know that it will all happen in time. But, I just need a place to vent and be angry for awhile.

18 comments:

Not Martha said...

My heart is breaking for you. I have watched one of my best friends and my brother and his wife go through this same thing.
I never knew what to say to them, and I really don't know what to say to you either-no words can make it better, and anyone who has not experienced the pain of infertility cannot truly understand.
I guess I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I hope that you can continue to keep the faith, even if it seems like God has forgotten you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Two of a Kind said...

I don't know what to say to you except I understand. I was there too many times and it is impossible to describe the pain. I think you are doing a great job of dealing with the situation and I am very proud of you.

Katie said...

I am a stranger to you but please know that I am praying for you.

Jeremy and Mindy said...

{{{hugs}}}

Erin said...

I'm sorry you are having more bad days lately. Just know that you aren't alone at all. I know its hard for Heath to talk to you about it, but the two of you will get a baby. Somehow, some way, everything will work out. and I know when that day comes, Heath and you will be the best parents ever. {{{big hug}}}

Michelle and Gary said...

Erin- I could have written your post. Tears are streaming down my face as I read your words. I just want you to know you are not alone-- there are so many of us who are right here with you. I know how hard the bad days are and you will be in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Big hugs!

Karen said...

I am so sorry Erin that you are in so much pain. I only know how you feel because we too have been going through infertility for 2 1/2 years. It's such a hard and difficult thing to go through and only you know how it feels. I pray to God that he reveals his plan for you soon. Hang in there.

nestie:karenandjeff

HBee said...

I'm sorry for hard times... Praying for blessings to come your way.

filipinobambino said...

Man oh man, I'm so sorry this weekend was rough for you. I know there's not much to say, but know that I'm thinking of you. You are being lifted up in prayers (even by us stranger friends) when you feel like you can't pray.

Sea Squared said...

*Hugs* Sweetie.

Melissa said...

I'm new to your blog but feel deeply for the season you are in. While I haven't walked this road myself, I have a dear friend who is going through a very similar set of circumstances as you. My prayers are with and for you today. May God grant peace to your sweet spirit.

tohearn14 said...

You dont know me, but I hope I can be of some encouragement. My manager who is 39 years old tried to get pregnant and carry a full term baby for 4+ years. She had more than 2 misscarriages, lots of fertilization drugs, etc for many years. Her and her husband longed for a baby, just like you and yours. Last year, they had finally decided to move forward with adoption (through an agency) and had just turned in their "scrapbook". About a week after that she went to her family doctor b/c she wasnt feeling well. The Dr. wanted to run a blood test, come to find out she was 8 weeks preggo! This was a complete miracle,b/c she was not taking ANY fertility shots (her obgyn had said they couldnt get preggo on their own.) She was beside herself, but also very scared, as she had previously lost a baby at 10 weeks. After lots of prayer, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 6/11/08. I truly believe that when her mind was content with knowing that a baby was coming soon (b/c they had moved forward with adoption) she was able to conceive. I dont know all of the details of your circumstances, but I do know that God has a plan for your life (Jer. 29:11) and will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). Blessings.

mrs.leah.maria said...

You should know me well enough by now, to know that I'm sitting here bawling and praying for you as usual.

It is not a surprise that you are feeling under attack when you just so fully resigned yourself to God's will just last week. Nothing pisses him off more than when our faith is strong, that's when we are the most likely targets.

Know that you are not alone in this Erin. Even outside of the amazing support group you have in your friends and family, I am praying for you and Heath daily.

You don't always have to be strong in your own strength and to acknowledge that you're not is by no means admitting weakness, just that you are human.

Lisa said...

I have no words of wisdom or advice to share. I just wanted to say that I'm here, reading and praying for you.

theberrys said...

Hi Erin,

You don't know me, I have just recently been introduced to your blog. I want you to know you are not alone in your journey. I too have been trying to conceive for 1 and half years. I have PCOS and probably will not conceive without IVF. We too do not have the finances right now for that. I am an NICU nurse in Tulsa. So I see it everyday just like you do. I see babies born to drug moms and babies born to people who you know aren't going to care for them. I too have problems speaking to my husband as well. He is so positive and is sure that we will have a baby. He gets so upset with me when I am negative. It's hard not to be negative when you have the facts and the knowledge. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this very cruel and unfair journey.

Bluebird said...

I will pray for you and your husband. I can't imagine what it would feel like to not be able to talk to my husband about something that causes me so much pain without causing him pain.

I think you are such a strong woman. As much as I love my husband I truly think I would struggle to not place blame somewhere.

God will truly honor your love and commitment to one another. I wish you all the greatest blessings this world has to offer.

Robin said...

hi,
i stumbled upon your blog.... i too, have taken my fair share of 'bullets'...we tried for 8 years and finally after taking Clomid, we were able to concieve. It was quite a journey to get there. Among the blessings were people encouraging it was all in Gods timing, and as i really sought Him to comfort me, He gave me particular verses through scripture that soothed my soul deeply....gave me hope for my weary heart and empty arms and would relieve the feeling of feeling forgotten by God. I will remember you in my prayers, your heartache brings me right back to what i remember living through. Its not easy, but Jesus Christ is the strength for the road each of us find ourselves on. God bless~ Robin

love, me said...

You don't know me but I found your blog today through some random blog surfing.
Your post could have been my own. If I had the guts to get through writing it, which I don't.
My husband and I have been trying for 2.5 years. And meanwhile, it seems like everyone I know has had a baby or is currently pregnant. And my BFF is pregnant with her third. Seriously, I skip her calls so that I can prepare myself to talk to her. Isn't that awful?
But if you haven't been there, then you can't possibly understand how devastating it can be to not be able to make it happen. I often wonder how it is that teenagers can accidentally do it and after 2 years of concerted effort, I can't even get close?
I'll be praying for you and your husband.