chipped away.

I've been tagged by a few people.... I'll get to them soon, promise.

I feel like my "bad" days are coming more often. This weekend was a little rough (I say that a lot, don't I?). I feel like I barely recover from a blow and then get knocked over with another.

A had the baby. We never really heard anything. I actually didn't find out she had the baby until about 3 days later. Please pray that this baby completely changes her. I hope that this baby girl was all it took for her to do a 360 and get her life together.

I just found out that a good friend is pregnant. She emailed me and said she knew that I'd been having a rough time but she wanted me to hear it from her, which I really appreciate. She also said that she told me by email so that I could have time to process it and so that she could avoid getting her feelings hurt because she knew I wouldn't be as happy as she wanted. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to tell me and I hate that for her. Just because I can't have that, doesn't make me any less happy for her, but it definitely wasn't easy to hear. I love her and just pray that I can be strong and happy for her. I don't want to hurt her or make her feel that she can't be joyful over being pregnant.

I fell asleep crying last night. Praying that God would protect my heart, telling Him that I'm angry and hurt, and that I was sorry - but that was really all I had for Him. I feel like I'm being slowly chipped away. It's getting harder and harder to put on a happy face and go about my life like nothing is wrong. I am sick of watching everyone else experience this when it is something I want with every ounce of myself. Every time I saw a pregnant woman today, a dad holding his baby boy or mom walking through the mall with her little girl - it was like taking a bullet.

I feel so alone. Luckily I have amazing friends, a wonderful sister and a mom who would do anything for me. But, I know they don't know what to say when I call them crying. What is there to say? I can't even talk to Heath about it. Anytime he sees me upset about it he shuts me out -- he can't help but feel that it's his fault I'm in so much pain. No matter how many times I tell him that HE is the man I'm going to be with forever, and HE is the man that God wanted me to experience this with, he worries that I'll decide it isn't worth it to stick around. I never, never think about why we can't get pregnant - just that we can't.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like something has to give soon. Just last week I was saying that I was finally at peace with all of this. That this must be where God wanted me to be. I just felt okay with everything. I knew that we'd have a baby and I was okay with not knowing how or when. And then, this weekend happened. Now I just want to give up. I want to not want it.

This is a random, whiny post. It's okay if you don't even comment, really. I appreciate all of your comments, but sometimes saying nothing is okay too. I know that God has a plan, I know that it will all happen in time. But, I just need a place to vent and be angry for awhile.

playing catch up.

I've been a bad blogger lately. sorry. Not much to blog about really. So, here is about a month's worth of pictures.

And, happy birthday to me today!

We went out to eat with all the interns for the Sept. birthdays. Cheesecake Factory, yum!

Shots for the girls. Christa, Sarah, me.

Pre-Birthday Dinner shot of me and the husband.

These pics are out of order. But this is Meredith and I after we polished off our pitchers.

Graham Colton/Jewel concert.

Some med school friends were in town so we had a girl's night. When we got to the bar, the bartender informed us that we had 15 minutes of happy hour left. So, we were each going to order two beers. He then told us that pitchers were cheaper and I said "Ok, we'll take 4!". So, we each had our own!

First OU game with Tim and Sarah.

Boomer Sooner!

It started POURING at half time and we ran back to the truck in the monsoon.

Me and the wonderful Mr. Graham Colton.

That's all for now. Hope everyone had as good of a weekend as I did!

black is the new black?

So, I asked for chocolate brown. and got this. but it's growing on me.

Me and my fabulous sister at my birthday dinner.

Whadya think?

Major picture post coming atcha.

the sun'll come out

I am still in shock that this happened to me...

I felt like I had done a really good job at playing it cool today. I joked, I laughed, I only thought about A and the baby a few dozen times throughout the morning. But as I was leaving noon conference today, I was approached by a fellow resident with a furrowed brow.

"I have to talk to you about something very serious", he said. We're not friends, I mean, not really. We chat, we have spent a few hours in clinic together, but I had no idea why he would want to talk to me about something serious.

So, he goes on to tell me that "we weren't expecting this at all....we weren't planning it" .....
"but, my wife just found out she's pregnant". Suck. That was my first reaction. But, of course I congratulated him. Then... I can't even believe it as I type it...he proceeds to tell me that after hours of discussing it, they don't want it. AND, he wants me to help him find a place to have an abortion. SERIOUSLY? Why me? Of all people? On this day?

I calmly told him that I was the very last person he should ask about this as my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for ALMOST TWO YEARS and have had TWO failed adoptions. I told him that he had to stop talking or I would get very emotional on him. He kept talking. Guys just don't get it sometimes.

Thankfully I had to stop off along the way to get something and told him I'd see him later. Then, I.lost.it. Like, bawled my eyes out, couldn't talk, mascara running down my face. Lost it. I called my chief resident and told her I had to talk to her. I didn't think I could make it to clinic. How was I supposed to work? I mean, not only do I not agree with the decision he's making...it was just awful timing for me (because you know how it always comes back to me..I'm selfish like that).

Eventually, I calmed myself down enough to go to clinic. But, honestly, my breakdown probably didn't have that much do to with him. I just felt really hopeless today. I feel bad even typing that. I mean, I obviously still have hope. I know God will bring us a baby. But, I feel like our only avenue of getting a baby soon was this adoption. And now that door is closing. I know IVF is in our future. But, I feel like it's in our distant future.

This blog has become such a downer. I thought to myself yesterday that I was going to post pictures and something fun, and now you get this. So, to my 100 subscribers...stick around. I'll put my big girl panties on soon and entertain you a bit. But today is an angry day. Right after my encounter today, I asked "Why me? Why did you let him ask me? Protect me from these things, You know I'm fragile".

So, I'm now on my 3rd Corona. I know that's not a good way to deal with it. And, I promise I'm not an alcoholic, but a beer or eight just sounded good. So, Heath is on his way home with Bar-B-Que and beer and we plan on having a little fiesta tonight.

Tomorrow I'll be better. I always am.

not looking good.

I've been doing a decent job of just waiting from a phone call from Sarah or A to give us an idea of where things were headed. But, Sarah called yesterday about something completely unrelated and I had to ask if she'd heard from A's sister lately. She hadn't, but said she'd give her a call.

She just called me back to say that she had spoken to A's sister, who said she hadn't talked to A much. As far as she knows, she hasnt made a decision yet, but A asked her if she could borrow her Pack 'n Play. So, it sounds like she's planning to keep the baby. Unless she is getting a puppy and wants to use the pack 'n play as a dog crate. But, that's doubtful. Apparently there's more to the story and A's sister didn't have time to elaborate. So, I should be finding out a little more later.

I'm trying to maintain my composure. On one hand, I expected this and thought I would be prepared to handle the disappointment. On the other, I was secretly planning my mad dash to the store for diapers and such.

If you know me, you know I'm already wanting to plan my next move so that I don't feel the pain from this blow. But, I'm trying to be still and wait. The thought of fostering through DHS and hopefully adopting thereafter has been on my mind a lot. It seems that the situation presents itself almost daily lately. See...there I go already...

I know it could still go either way, and I'm praying that this takes another direction than the one it appears to be going. But for now, it's not looking good.

the name game.

For all of you pregnant mothers out there still in search of a unique, but beautiful baby name: search no more!

I came across the Holy Grail of unique baby names in the ER this weekend. Here are a few of the little gems:

Ganaria (say it out loud...do it.)

Clitoria - this is Ganaria's mother. Seriously.

Joy in the time of sorrow (yes, that is a first name, a BOY's first name)

Elvis

Yourmajesty (could you imagine marrying this guy...ugh.)

Two brothers : Money & Million.

Three brothers: Mister, Sir and Duke

Fortuneit

Sunshine

Elwee (the THIRD! Two other people named their children this...)

Queenkaren

Jack Daniels

Liam (pronounced "yum" after his father William)

DeeWee

Desmccq (pronounced "Des", obvs)

Satin Deer

Thyme (pronounced "Timmy")

Thunder

Demon

Little Angel

Unique (not as unique as the other ones I've seen, dear)

D'nasty Foley (as in foley catheter...yes, they are nasty)

Dickinya (O.M.G)

Here's a middle name in case you're stuck on those too: Tvfvhvtke. Yeah, you got me on that one.

There are pages upon pages of names of kids with crazy names that have come into the Children's ER over several years. While I couldn't help but laugh out loud at several of these creative (?) names, I felt bad for the poor children who suffered because of them. I mean, how do you think little Ganaria did in high school? And, I've got dibs on D'nasty...so don't you beeches take it, ya hear?

100.

I offically have 100 subscribers on Google Reader as of today. I am quite suprised. When I started this blog I didn't think anyone but my momma would read it. I find it hard to believe that so many are reading since that my last few posts have had less than 5 comments. Where are all of you people? Say something, de-lurk, introduce yourselves!

p.s.

Another little obsession...

Gossip Girl. O.M.G. The season premier is tonight and 7:00 cannot get here soon enough!

If you haven't watched it, I suggest you clear your schedule for an hour tonight and hop on the GG (no, not Gilmore Girls. That is so 2004) train with me.

It's a little naughty, but I am a little hooked.

my own 'savior'.

It's been a busy weekend. I'll post a weekend update later.

But, first, I wanted to talk about the sermon at church on Sunday. We read Romans 8: 1-13. Each of us has a spot deep in the center of our hearts that we choose to fill with whatever we desire. The preacher asked what was in our hearts. The answer was easy: what do you obsess about the most? I think anyone who knows me knows my obsession. A baby. I am overwhelmed by thoughts of a baby. I don't think I go more than 30 minutes (and that's pushing it) a day without wondering how, when and where I'll get a baby.

So, instead of spending my energy focusing on Him, I'm consumed with being a mother. I have allowed this to be my "savior" instead of God. Instead of seeking Him, I am spending hours daily seeking my own desires.

Throughout this journey thus far, I have seen my desire for Him and my walk with Him grow exponentially, but I also notice that my first and last thought each day is of a baby. He has continued to bless us and I know that He will always do so. But, my purpose is to please Him. Not the other way around.

In my last post, I talked about having faith that God would bring us a baby in His perfect timing. And, I still believe that's true. But, in order to have faith that He will do that, I need to seek him first. If I would devote the time and energy I spend thinking about a baby on my walk with Christ, everything else would fall into place.

My eyes were really opened on Sunday. I know the change won't happen overnight, but I want to make a conscious effort to seek Him throughout the day and let Him take care of the rest.