Tuesday, August 26, 2008

still learning.

warning: this could be long.

Thanks for the prayers. I'm doing okay. Every once in awhile I let my impatience get the best of me.

Not to mention, my lovely Aunt Flo is visiting. She brings not only a reminder that another month has come and gone without anything to show for, but a whole slew of hormones that turn me into a raging, moody, drama queen.

These last few days have been exceptionally tough for me. Friday, I cried at the office, just out of sheer frustration for our situation. We went out with some friends Friday night and every little comment seemed to rub me the wrong way. One of the couples has two kids and the wife was commenting about how lucky I am to not have children. I get to buy things for myself, go wherever I want - whenever I want, go out at night, have friends over at all hours...I'm so lucky! I told her that I did not feel one bit sorry for her and that I would trade her places in a heartbeat. I felt like she was being pretty insensitive at the time, now I know that I was just being hypersensitive.

Saturday I worked an all day ER shift. So, that day was gone in a blur.

Sunday, we got up and went to church. The sermon was over the Armor of God. We took time out of the sermon to specifically pray for that piece of armor that we were lacking. I prayed for God to arm me with the Shield of Faith. I realize that I'm having a hard time letting go and giving our situation fully to Him. I'm such a control freak that it kills me that I cannot fix this. I know that God is testing me. For once, I am having to fully and blindly rely on Him and trust in His perfect plan - with His perfect timing.

Monday was the icing on the cake. I spent another lovely day in Adolescent Clinic and the patient that I had been dreading came in. Another resident saw her, but a 17 year old girl came in after taking 5 pregnancy tests at home. Just for good measure, a sixth test at the office showed those lovely pink lines as well. I had been dreading the day that a young, careless girl came in with an unwanted pregnancy. I'm so thankful that I wasn't the doctor that had to tell her this "bad news". I found out a few minutes before leaving the office yesterday that she was asking for resources on abortion. ::insert tears here::

I also decided yesterday that I couldn't wait until October and we should just apply for IVF financing now. I just knew we would be approved, I could stop praying for this adoption that I'm sure won't happen, focus on IVF and our troubles would be over. Strike two. Luckily, Heath shared in my anger and devastation this time. He finally realized what it felt like to have someone tell you that you cannot have a baby. The one thing standing between us and in vitro is getting approved and once again we were denied. It's mind boggling. We make good money. I know we can afford payments. But, Capital One has decided that we don't get to be pregnant yet.

I spent the car ride home in tears. I asked God to please take this desire to be a mother away from me. Why do I want it so badly if I can't have it? I know with all of my being that God has a wonderful and perfect plan for Heath and I. And that plan includes a beautiful, perfect baby. But, I can't help but be overcome by anger sometimes. It really isn't fair. Normal people don't do this. I thought that I had come to terms with our infertility, but on days like yesterday our reality punches me right between the eyes.

I think I'm doing better today. I know that God has blessed Heath and I than so much more than I can imagine. We are absolutely not deserving of all that He has given us. I have the most amazing friends and family, and blog readers (!), who are willing to listen, pray and love me through it all. And, we're going to make it. I'm sure there will be a lot more tears, a little more anger, and loads of lessons learned in the near future. So, bear with me.


The Bullard's said...

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5 & 6

“But, oh my soul, don’t be discouraged. Don’t be upset. Expect God to act! For I know that I shall again have plenty of reason to praise Him for all that He will do. He is my help! He is my God!” Psalm 42:11

I love you!

Jeremy and Mindy said...

I'm praying for you. I wish I had an answer, but I'm at a loss for words. It seems like you are doing the right thing, just keeping trusting Him. He doesn't promise it will be easy, but that He will help you. {{hugs}}

mrs.leah.maria said...

Oh Erin, I can't bear all of these slaps in the face that you've endured. I'm praying for you dear.

Two of a Kind said...

Love you, Erin. You are such an amazing woman. I am proud of you.

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Erin. I'm praying for you.

Kristal said...

I don't know what to say other than to tell you that I'm always hear to listen and that I'm praying for you and Heath.

kari said...

Erin, I wish I knew what to tell you. Please know that you and Heath are in my prayers.

Moni said...

Erin, I hate that you are going thru this, and feeling discouraged right now. I pray that God gives you the desires of your heart! like now! =) I pray for a strong faith for you, and a peaceful heart. ::hugs:: I wish we lived closer, so we could hang out.

etxwife said...

Oh Erin, your post brought me to tears. I am praying for you, girl. ((hugs))