love.

Here are some fabulous items in my wish list on anthropologie.com. Someone has a birthday coming up ::wink, wink::

Love this whole outfit. It's crooked, that bothers me. But deal with it.

Shoes from the outfit above. Aren't they delish?

I must have this dress. It would be nice for work with a little cami or sexxxy without.

I'll take this too, please. thankyouverymuch.

Cute and cozy. Two things that I luuurve.

I will have this purse. Thank goodness for sister's discount :)

Not really my style, but too adorable to pass up.

There, that made me feel better. How about you?

keep 'em coming.

My friend Sarah called last night to let us know that she had spoken to BM's (we'll call her A now, we found out her name last night) sister. A brought up adoption again and asked for our contact info. So, she knows our first names and my cell phone number.

She's due in two weeks apparently and has done absolutely nothing to prepare for a baby. She says she still not made a decision either way, but she has not thought about a name, hasn't bought a crib, car seat, nothing!

I fell asleep praying about it and woke up thinking about it. I have a feeling the next few days are going to be verrrrry long. I'm trying to find the perfect balance between optimism and realism. I'm guarding my heart (or trying to) but at the same time vividly picturing baby showers, taking her up to work to meet everyone, falling asleep on the couch with her on my chest, rushing out for a car seat and crib in the next few weeks...

I've allowed my mind to go way farther with this than I was planning. Last night I just prayed that God would prepare us for whatever decision was made. I would like to say that our chances are 50/50 at this point, but I'm sure that's being a little generous on our behalf.

I'm planning on calling my uncle, the judge, today and asking for a few names of good lawyers. Until this point I've been afraid to start getting things lined up, but now I feel like I need to at least lay a little ground work.

So, I'm asking for it again. Lots of prayers. I know you've already been doing it, but please specifically pray for A as she makes the toughest decision of her life and that God would continue to guard our hearts and prepare us for His plan.

Be on the look out for a shopping related post later this afternoon. I'm in the need for some distractions today and I prescribed myself a little retail therapy.

obstacles.

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
-Alfred D. Souza

Design Crush

seriously?

another day in adolescent clinic.

another 16 year old with a positive pregnancy test.

another girl asking about abortion.

still learning.

warning: this could be long.

Thanks for the prayers. I'm doing okay. Every once in awhile I let my impatience get the best of me.

Not to mention, my lovely Aunt Flo is visiting. She brings not only a reminder that another month has come and gone without anything to show for, but a whole slew of hormones that turn me into a raging, moody, drama queen.

These last few days have been exceptionally tough for me. Friday, I cried at the office, just out of sheer frustration for our situation. We went out with some friends Friday night and every little comment seemed to rub me the wrong way. One of the couples has two kids and the wife was commenting about how lucky I am to not have children. I get to buy things for myself, go wherever I want - whenever I want, go out at night, have friends over at all hours...I'm so lucky! I told her that I did not feel one bit sorry for her and that I would trade her places in a heartbeat. I felt like she was being pretty insensitive at the time, now I know that I was just being hypersensitive.

Saturday I worked an all day ER shift. So, that day was gone in a blur.

Sunday, we got up and went to church. The sermon was over the Armor of God. We took time out of the sermon to specifically pray for that piece of armor that we were lacking. I prayed for God to arm me with the Shield of Faith. I realize that I'm having a hard time letting go and giving our situation fully to Him. I'm such a control freak that it kills me that I cannot fix this. I know that God is testing me. For once, I am having to fully and blindly rely on Him and trust in His perfect plan - with His perfect timing.

Monday was the icing on the cake. I spent another lovely day in Adolescent Clinic and the patient that I had been dreading came in. Another resident saw her, but a 17 year old girl came in after taking 5 pregnancy tests at home. Just for good measure, a sixth test at the office showed those lovely pink lines as well. I had been dreading the day that a young, careless girl came in with an unwanted pregnancy. I'm so thankful that I wasn't the doctor that had to tell her this "bad news". I found out a few minutes before leaving the office yesterday that she was asking for resources on abortion. ::insert tears here::

I also decided yesterday that I couldn't wait until October and we should just apply for IVF financing now. I just knew we would be approved, I could stop praying for this adoption that I'm sure won't happen, focus on IVF and our troubles would be over. Strike two. Luckily, Heath shared in my anger and devastation this time. He finally realized what it felt like to have someone tell you that you cannot have a baby. The one thing standing between us and in vitro is getting approved and once again we were denied. It's mind boggling. We make good money. I know we can afford payments. But, Capital One has decided that we don't get to be pregnant yet.

I spent the car ride home in tears. I asked God to please take this desire to be a mother away from me. Why do I want it so badly if I can't have it? I know with all of my being that God has a wonderful and perfect plan for Heath and I. And that plan includes a beautiful, perfect baby. But, I can't help but be overcome by anger sometimes. It really isn't fair. Normal people don't do this. I thought that I had come to terms with our infertility, but on days like yesterday our reality punches me right between the eyes.

I think I'm doing better today. I know that God has blessed Heath and I than so much more than I can imagine. We are absolutely not deserving of all that He has given us. I have the most amazing friends and family, and blog readers (!), who are willing to listen, pray and love me through it all. And, we're going to make it. I'm sure there will be a lot more tears, a little more anger, and loads of lessons learned in the near future. So, bear with me.

.

It just isn't fair.

Today's a rough day. So was Friday.

I wish I knew how to fix it.

waiting game.

Still nothing.

But... Heath got a new job on Friday! I'm so proud of him. We are both really excited. Not only does this new job mean no traveling for my hubs, it also comes with a pretty substantial pay raise. So substantial in fact, that we can now easily afford the monthly payment for IVF and actually be able to afford a baby (or two)! You may recall in my last post that I had been having some hesitation about trying for financing in a few months. Mainly because, while we could afford the payments, it would stretch us pretty thin. Now, we could make the payments and not even notice the large dent it would make in our pockets.

Isn't that amazing? I don't know why, but I'm always blown away each time God provides exactly what my heart desires. I had given up on the idea of doing IVF anytime in the near future. I was ready to put all of my eggs, so to speak, in the basket of adoption. I certainly wasn't expecting Heath to find a new job any time soon, or that it would mean a pay raise.

So, for now, we're just planning on trying to financing again in October. I'm not sure what we'll do if that turns out like it did last time - I can't let myself go there. But, at least we have something to look forward to in case this adoption doesn't work out. I still want and pray for that constantly, but I feel like the blow won't be quite as hard if we have a 'back-up' plan.

We're completely open to however God wants to bring a baby into our lives. Please keep praying that it will be revealed to us soon. Thank you.

No news is good news?

Isn't that what they say? In that case, I guess things are going well.

Sarah saw BM's sister Tuesday to let her know that we are very excited about adopting her baby and are willing to meet with her. BM's sister said she thinks BM is somewhere in the middle of the decision process, but she'll let us know when she makes some kind of decision.

We also found out that she is due in September (not even 2 months away! Eeek!) and not October.

I don't have a very good feeling about this. I feel really great about going through with it, but I don't feel like she is going to choose adoption. Maybe it's just self-preservation. And, maybe my 'feeling's don't mean much as far as the outcome anyway. I mean, I thought for sure I'd be bringing a little newborn boy home from Arkansas in February, and we saw how that turned out.

I did ask some non-legal advice from a lawyer Nestie. I found out that the process of private adoption is quite a bit more extensive than I had thought. We'll be finding a lawyer in OKC as soon as we get any word from BM. Then, it's home visits, background checks and, I'm sure, mounds of paperwork. The whole process can take up to a year, but usually a judge will grant temporary custody until the paperwork is complete.

For now, all we can do it wait. If she chooses to meet with us, I know the waiting will only be more difficult. It's hard to not get my hopes up, yet try to mentally prepare for the fact that we could be parents in less than two months.

Hope floats.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But, I've noticed when people say that, the hopes are usually already up there.

With that being said, I'll tell you about our newest development on the "I need a baby right this second" front.

My wonderful friend, Sarah (whom you might remember from the "We almost adopted a newborn baby boy" escapade) has come through once again. And, in the form of another baby. Several months ago, we had Sarah and her husband, Tim over for dinner and she mentioned that Tim's brother's wife's sister (confused yet?) was pregnant and is not fit to be a mother. At the time, adoption had been mentioned but Baby's Mama (we'll call her BM...not bowel movement..from this point on) was very fickle and although everyone was encouraging her to put the baby up for adoption, wasn't a reliable prospect.

Fast forward to today and Sarah calls me to say that BM is now about 6 months pregnant and seriously talking about adoption. Tim's sister-in-law/BM's sister told her that Sarah and Tim have some good friends (us!) who really want a baby and would love to adopt.

So...she wants to meet us.

Crazy, huh?

Of course I told Sarah that we would love to meet her, but I think that the meeting should be as neutral and anonymous as possible. Sarah is going to be talking with BM's sister tomorrow and find out where BM is now in terms of the whole adoption thing.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. I can't say the same for Heath. He's already asked me a few times what we'd name her (it's a girl, by the way)I know that we are no where near being close to adopting this baby, but it doesn't keep me from praying praying praying that things work out. So, I ask that you PLEASE do the same!

BM is due in the middle of October. Which is when we decided we would try again for IVF financing. Lately I've had second thoughts about IVF being the right thing for us right now. It would be $300-400 dollars a month in loan payments FOR SEVEN YEARS on top of the staggering cost of raising a baby. While we are more than financially set to handle such payments, I have wondered if it was something we wanted to take on right now. So, I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately about where we were going with all of this.

Who knows... maybe this is it. Maybe it's just another bump in the road on our way to becoming parents. But, I sat in my Pediatric noon conference today, unable to listen to the speaker with this overwhelming urge that I just want to be a mom. And then I get a call from Sarah on the way home.

So, as you can probably tell from this post....my hopes are up and I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for a lot of heartache again. But, I can't help but think this could be it. We'll see.

So I lied.

I guess I won't be blogging more now that I'm on an easier rotation. In fact, I haven't blogged at all. Instead, I've been obsessed with reading blogs. I have added more blogs to my google reader (which if you don't have...you should) in the last week than I can count.

If I can pry myself away from my little laptop long enough to do anything, I should be doing dictation that is still leftover from my month on the wards. But, reading blogs is so much more interesting that dictating.

I did have a good weekend off last weekend. My favorite part was laying out by the pool. My porcelin skin missed the feel of the sun beaming down. Since I've been stuck in the hospital for a month, I wasn't used to the heat, let alone the triple digit temps we've been having. So, I left the weekend a little sunburnt and a little hungover, but thoroughly relaxed.

This weekend will unfortunately be spent in the ER. I work both Saturday and Sunday. Maybe I'll see something interesting I can blog about. Until then, I've got nothing.

Oh, I did order the console table from Target I've been eyeing. It's an identical knock-off of this Pottery Barn one, and I love it! It was my first, first paycheck purchase!

Don't send out the search teams yet...

Just when you were starting to worry...

I'm back! Last month proved to be pretty time-intensive. I racked in at least 76 hours a week, with one week's hours soaring to a whopping 84 hours. But, as I mentioned before, I loved every second of it! I'm finally getting used to answering when someone calls me doctor, getting used to getting pages all day, waking up at 4:00 a.m. and hitting the sack at 9:30.

Don't fret, this month will be chock full of posts because I'm now working from 8:30 to 4:30! Although the hours will be heaven, I'm not quite looking forward to this month. You see, I'm on adolescent clinic. Which translates to: rude teenagers with acne and STDs. I'm not a fan of clinic in the first place, and I don't particularly care for patients above the age of 10...so, not a good combination for me. I'm hoping the life that I'll actually get to enjoy outside of work will make up for the misery I'll endure while I'm at work. I've already been sitting at clinic since 8:30, it is now 11:45, and have yet to see a patient, because with a clinic full of teenagers, more than half of them are 'no shows'.

Taking full advantage of my new-found freedom, I've already got a full weekend planned. Heath leaves tonight to head to Dallas with a bunch of rowdy guys for a weekend-long bachelor party. I plan on spending the evening cleaning the house, spending my first paycheck (which I got yesterday!!!) and enjoying a few drinks with a friend. Saturday, I'll be getting rowdy as well for my dear friend's Bachelorette party. Sunday will be a day of recovery and relaxing with my parents. My wonderful parents have agreed to come up to the city on Saturday and stay at my house with the dogs so that I can enjoy a much needed night/early morning out on the town.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend as much as I'm hoping too. And, look forward to hearing a lot (probably too much) from me in the very near future.