knowing my role...

[I almost didn't post this. I'm not sure why, but I was going to keep these feelings to myself. But you all have been so amazing in offering prayer and support that I decided to go ahead and post]

I've really been struggling with what my role is supposed to be in M's life. I cannot stop thinking about her. I had a long talk with one of the other residents, Kyle, last night who is on the team taking care of M. Apparently there has been a lot of discussion about where she'll end up when she's healthy enough to be discharged from the hospital. Kyle is an amazing guy, strong Christian and has a huge heart. I told him a little bit about our IF struggles and our desire to adopt.

I have had 3 people in the last few days, who know nothing about Heath and I's situation mention, half-jokingly, that I should adopt M. I'm just trying to sort out the feelings I'm having. I'm not sure if I'm having these thoughts because I care about her, and I need to get used to feeling like this about many patients to come in the next few years, or if God is trying to tell me something. Last night, as I was praying for M, and asking God to just pour His love onto her and use me in whatever way He can, I had this vivid image of sitting on my couch with her curled up in my lap. What does that mean??

Surely He can't want me to adopt this little girl? I feel like she would need someone who could be with her all day every day to love on her and give her all the attention she needs. With me working 80 hours a week, I doubt I could give that to her. Obviously there is a high likelihood for behavioral and psychological problems in her future. I know that He would give Heath and I the tools needed to parent her, but it would be so hard.

Maybe my role is smaller than that. Maybe I'm supposed to shower her with love while she's in the hospital. And that's it. I'm fully aware that I won't be able to swoop in and save all of the kiddos that cross my path, and it probably won't get easier to deal with the emotions when they do. Maybe M. will just be that kid that I always think about and pray about. One of those patients that makes a huge impact on my life and the way I practice medicine.

Please just say a little prayer for me. Pray for clarification in what my role is in M's life. Heath and I have only talked about this a little bit. He knows that I've grown attached, but since we're on completely different schedules right now, we haven't gotten to talk about it as much as we'd like to. That's another reason I almost didn't post this.

On another note, we discussed our fertility options a little bit this last weekend. We're trying to decide if we should wait on IVF until we're a little more financially secure and try another route. I'm not quite ready to talk about the other route on here (it isn't adopting M, by the way), but please say another prayer for Heath and I that God will lead us in the direction he wants us to take. A few of the decisions are hard for Heath and some for Me, but I just pray that we'll come to one that works the best for both of us. Thanks!