Friday, May 16, 2008

random thoughts with erin.

I laid in bed this morning unable to sleep. At 4:42 I had thoughts swirling through my head. That could by why I couldn't sleep. Or the fact that Belle stepped on my face. Either way, I did a lot of thinking. And here are some of my random thoughts. And they're actually not so random, since they mostly deal with me wanting to be pregnant...but just go with it. (I'll apologize now because this could be long).

1.) Do you ever feel like you're just sitting around waiting for something big to happen? That's exactly how I feel right now. I thought it was because of the house stuff....but no, we've got the house, we're settled and I'm still waiting. Maybe it's because I'll be graduating from med school soon and starting residency, but I have a feeling when that's over, I'll still be waiting. I think I'm waiting for a pregnancy. Until I'm holding my baby in my arms, I'll feel incomplete. Like I'm not fulfilling part of who I am. I've always said I wanted to be three things "when I grew up": a wife, a mother, and a doctor. Well, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. But something's missing.

I want a baby. (duh!) And it makes me sick that someone is able to tell me that I can't have one. I was having a really bad day when I posted that last post. And, if you know me, I act all tough like things don't bother me until WHAM! I just break down. Which is what happened. I felt better about 20 minutes after I posted that. I just needed some time to sit alone and ugly cry. I mean, really ugly cry. My biggest problem now is that I am not a patient person. I used to pray for patience...until a good friend told me you're not supposed to do that. Maybe that's why my patience (or lack there of) is being tested right now. I just want a baby, darnit! And I'll take it any way I can get it. Adoption. Yes, please. IVF. Bring it on. Naturally. Let's do it. (pun kinda intended). So, I'm just trying to keep my faith. I do know that God has a plan. And I know one day this will all make sense. But, that doesn't make it any easier on days when you feel like your hopes are being taken away from you. So, just be patient with me as I learn to be patient.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that adoption should be something we really want and not just another means to the end. But, it is something we really want. H and I have always said we wanted to adopt. We don't care how, or in what order, we get our children. We just want them.

2.) People are awesome. Thank you so much for all of the prayers and well wishes. Most of the people who read my blog don't even know me in real life, and it feels really good to know people care. And, at the risk of sounding selfish, keep the prayers comin'. I could still use a few :)

3.) In order to lighten the mood around here a little...I have a lot of pictures I promised to post, and some that I didn't promise to post. So, bring on Foto Friday! Drumroll please...

Moving Day! Excuse my nasty-lookin' self.

This is where we now live. We went from living 3 miles from Downtown to having twin cowboys riding horses down our street. Kinda looks like a commercial, doesn't it?

Just a sneak peak of the living room so far.

And, the back porch.

And, under the armoir. Random? yes. This is where Sophie hid for 3 hours during the thunderstorm the other night. It was hi-lar-i-ous.

Belle's funny too. Yesterday she was sleeping in the bathtub. Silly dog!

Let's not forget our home away from home in Lawton. Resort de Greenhaw.

We spent a lot of time in the hammock. No, I'm not naked.

But, this is the other side of Lawton. I'm not sure what's funnier, the sign or the man in the all white suit.

Probably the sign, f'real.

And, you can't go to Lawton without a trip to Meers.

Ah, the famous Meers Burger. 7" inches of longhorn-beefy goodness.

Seconds, please!

Hi, lunch.

And, kickball on Cinco de Mayo. You have to have tequila and Coronas!

That's all. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! We have a lot of stuff planned and we're going to have a blast!


mrs.leah.maria said...

There is no shame in confusion, you've been dealt a blow. This is when the faith meets the mettle.

Your house is gorgeous, and I can't pinpoint my envy on anyone thing from the living room, to the fireplace, to the back patio, to the horse back riders who feel completely comfortable riding in your neighborhood!!!

You are adorable and I really hope to meet you IRL some day.

coco le'shea said...

love, love, love the pics :) that one of belle is soo funny!

your strong will and perseverance in the face of adversity is who you are and part of why we all love you. i mean look at everything you've already accomplished, none of that was just given to you, you're a fighter!

anyways, i love you and know there's not really anything i could say to make you feel better. my mom always quoted to me "this too, shall pass" and it always does.

Sea Squared said...

What doesn't break us only makes us stronger. It may be hard, and you may struggle, but keep your head up, and everything will turn out for the best. Just know that everything happens for a reason.

I love the pics! I want more - you're such a tease. Your house is da bomb. (yes, I just said da bomb...)

Jeremy and Mindy said...

Hey Erin...
Glad things are better for you today. Your casa is awesome, and you are lookin' cute as always. I'm praying things will continue to get better for you. I pray for a baby for you real soon.

kari said...

Your home is beautiful. I can't wait to see more pictures. I've been thinking of you and your last post a lot, lots of prayers coming your way.


Leslie G said...

You and your hubby are gorgeous. I just got home from Dillon's and saw a girl who looked just like you- seriously, she probably thought I was psycho 'cause I kept staring at her and thinking "ho face..." =) Ha!

Cathy and Marshall said...

ChioCutie :) I haven't been on the Nest that much lately because we've been busy househunting, but whenever I read your posts you seem like such a nice person!! I am definitely praying for you two...some way everything will work out for you guys. Congrats on your new house - I am jealous at how good you can decorate!! I'm definitely looking to your D&R bio for inspiration. :) Take care! -cvannahmen (on the nest)