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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

i can't even come up with a witty title...

I don't consider myself a cryer. But, here I am at the computer typing this blog with tears dried to my cheeks and a snotty nose.

Life just isn't fair, is it?

I just found out that we weren't able to get pre-approval for the IVF loan. I don't even know what to think right now. I know that it probably has a lot to do with the fact that we just bought a house, but that doesn't make me feel any better. What does that mean? We try again in 2 months? 6 months? 2 years? I know IVF is still possible, but I wanted a baby a year and a half ago. I just can't wait. I don't have a choice, but I don't want to wait. Who are they to tell me I can't have a baby right now?? People who can't afford babies have them every day, but I can't have one because I don't have $20,000 laying around??

The reality of all of this just started sinking in since my appt last week. We will not get pg without IVF. That's it. No more "trying" on my "fertile" days. No more counting down the days til I can take a pg test. It just doesn't seem fair. Up until last week, I feel like I'd been romanticizing the idea of IVF. Oh, it will be so cool. The possibility of twins. Yay! But, it isn't cool. It's painful. And expensive. And unfair.

I'm sorry, I'm just hurt right now. I really felt like things were coming together. We were scheduled to start IVF at the end of July/early August. But, now I have to call them and tell them we weren't approved. I'm waiting until the lump dissolves from my throat before I call. I don't think Priscilla wants to hear me wailing into the phone.

One of my favorite quotes is from the top of Rachel's blog. She is pregnant now through IVF, so it's gone, but it will be my mantra to get me through this.

"God has a plan for you...and one day that plan will call you mommy".

15 comments:

Kristal said...

Oh Erin, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how your heart is breaking right now. :( I know it sounds so trite, but just try to keep your head up. And God does have a plan.

Sea Squared said...

**BIG HUG**
I'm so sorry honey! :( I got all teary at my computer at work reading this. As always, my prayers are with you.

marital.bless said...

E - your favorite quote, is just as applicable to Rachel as it is to you. I don't know why God's plan includes trials for those who deal with IF, but it undoubtedly does end with you being parents.

I'm so sorry my dear, so sorry.

Mrs. Dimple said...

Erin, it's Brittany (from the Nest). I'm sorry you got bad news today. There is definitely a plan - you just never know how/why things happen but I'm sure there is a happy ending in your future. ((hugs))

Andrea & Kevin said...

Ugh, this hurts my heart to hear. I'm so sorry. Keep the faith and know that this WILL work out for you guys--there is a big blessing just around the corner.

Erin said...

::hug::

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. My heart is broken for you. I really hope that God guides you to a place of comfort. Don't give up! It'll happen someday.

My hubby and I are having trouble too. Maybe there's someone at your church you can talk to? That's what I am doing because my faith has been so shaken.

Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about the loan and I will keep you in my prayers.

::hugs::

mom said...

Erin,
Like mother, like daughter. Here I am sitting at the computer crying my eyes out, my heart breaking. This is something that I want to fix and make better for you but it is so out of my control. There is NOTHING I can do or say to make you feel better. I feel so helpless. God does have a plan. Relax,Enjoy your life with your wonderful husband and it will happen.

Theresa said...

Praying for you...

kari said...

I'm so sorry. Go does have a plan, and my prayers are with you.

KariandTom

Jenny said...

Erin..I'm sorry to hear your news. I truly believe it's God's plan. Perhaps he wants you to get settled a bit more. Don't give up, he won't give up on you.

Barbara said...

I am so so so sorry... we originally were denied our home equity loan (for adoption.. then used for IVF) because of DH's massive but deferred student loans.. it was HORRIBLE... I felt like we had no other options, like we were doomed. We did eventually find another way, and praise God we did!

I have to believe there will be another way for you.. if I had it sitting around I'd loan it to you :-)

I'm so sorry...

Barbara said...

OOPs! this is MaydayGirl :-) I'm on my mom's computer so here I show up as her and I'm too lazy to log out :-)

But that was me up above.

Jeremy and Mindy said...

Erin, I'm so sorry :) God has a plan and as difficult as it is right now, it will work out. My heart is breaking for you. {{{hugs girl}}}

Leslie G said...

Erin- I think about you all the time. And I pray for you all the time. All things are possible- keep trusting and believe that whatever happens in your life is God's will for your life! All things are possible through Him.

coco le'shea said...

i'm so sorry dear friend. wish i could make it better for you.