to adopt or not to adopt?

Lately the thought of adoption has been laying very heavily on my heart. I've been searching the internet for charity programs, grants, any kind of assistance I can find. It doesn't quite make sense to me why God has given me such a desire for adoption, considering it's pricetag is double that of IVF, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it. I've spent time daily thinking about the baby boy that could have been ours. We were this close to bringing that baby home with us. I think about how different our lives would be. I constantly wish that it would have turned out differently, but at the same time, pray for the little boy and his mother, knowing that she made the right choice to raise him herself.

I guess I'm just not really sure where to go from here. Obviously we're forced to wait on IVF due to financing. I just don't know if we should start to pursue adoption. Set up a home visit, request information from agencies... I have have this overwhelming feeling that adoption is right for us, but I don't know how or why. We certainly wouldn't be able to get financing for $30,ooo.

I'm just praying for clarity - some kind of understanding as to why God is opening us up to the idea of adoption more than we already were. I thought that after my appt with Dr. H, it would be obvious to us that IVF is the next step, but now I'm not so sure. Until then, I'll keep praying and see which road God takes us down.

Any advice on where to start from anyone who's gone through this or knows anything about adoption?

happy feet.

Heath and I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance for the last two seasons and we are ob.sessesed. Every year they have amazingly talented dancers, and with the first show of the season last night, this year seems to take the cake. I recognized this guy from the previews as a dancer that my mom, sister and I saw on the 3rd Street Promonade in Santa Monica. He was incredible and I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. I took a few pics and when I saw him on the show I immediately recognized him. Whether or not you like dance, you should watch this video and check out the show, it will blow you away!



Here is a pic from my trip to Ca:

happiness.

O.M.G.

If you don't watch Grey's Anatomy, you should go buy all 4 seasons and catch up now. Tonight's season finale made it all worth it.

I'm so happy.

It was pure genious.

I won't say much more...don't want to be a spoiler for those of you who haven't watched it yet.

Go.watch.NOW!

i've been tagged.

My lovely friend Beka tagged me. So, here are 7 things you might not know about me.

1. Beka said this, but I also despise odd numbers. 5 is okay because it's in the middle of 10. But I hate all other odd numbers. It used to drive my friends crazy because my car stereo had numbers for the volume and I had to change it immediately if they put it on an odd number. Same with the t.v. volume.

2. I was an extra in Miss Congeniality. A week after graduating from high school, two of my friends and I went down to San Antonio for an *Nsync concert (don't laugh...it was cool then). Our hotel was right by the Alamo, so right after we got settled in, we decided to go sight seeing. They just happened to be shooting the talent scene in front of the Alamo and we snuck into the crowd. You can actually see us in the movie. So, that was my 15 seconds of fame.

3. Willie Nelson is my cousin. Actually he's my grandpa's cousin, which would make him my 3rd cousin? I'm not really impressed by him, but I've met quite a few people who are really excited to learn that he's my relative.

4. I got a red hot stuck up my nose when I was little. My parents left me alone in the living room watching tv (probably MTV) eating red hots. My mom heard me screaming and came into the living room to find me with red snot running down my nose. I denied it, of course. But, after searching in my nasal cavity for awhile to no avail, they took me to the Dr. He wasn't able to get it out either. By then, I had snotted out all the hot candy coating, so he decided to just let it melt in there.

5. I can jiggle my eyeballs back and forth really fast. I don't know how I do it, or how I discovered this amazing talent. But, I can.

6. I mis-pronounce words all the time. Like the fancy word for appetizers...I thought it was pronounced "whores - de- vores". My friends still like to tell that story.

7. I cannot stand to be held down. If I know that I can't move my appendages, I start to freak out. When I was younger my friends thought it was funny to tackle me on the trampoline and hold my arms and legs down. I literally go postal trying to get free. Ugh, it makes me feel all squirmy just thinking about it. Don't get any ideas, ya hear?

Now, I tag Leah and CeeCee!

speechless.

I just realized that I might not have anything to blog about for awhile. The house drama is (thankfully) over. Nothing to speak of on the fertility front for awhile. Hm. I might have to actually come up with things to blog about instead of just writing about the craziness in my life.

Yep. I got nothing.

random thoughts with erin.

I laid in bed this morning unable to sleep. At 4:42 I had thoughts swirling through my head. That could by why I couldn't sleep. Or the fact that Belle stepped on my face. Either way, I did a lot of thinking. And here are some of my random thoughts. And they're actually not so random, since they mostly deal with me wanting to be pregnant...but just go with it. (I'll apologize now because this could be long).

1.) Do you ever feel like you're just sitting around waiting for something big to happen? That's exactly how I feel right now. I thought it was because of the house stuff....but no, we've got the house, we're settled and I'm still waiting. Maybe it's because I'll be graduating from med school soon and starting residency, but I have a feeling when that's over, I'll still be waiting. I think I'm waiting for a pregnancy. Until I'm holding my baby in my arms, I'll feel incomplete. Like I'm not fulfilling part of who I am. I've always said I wanted to be three things "when I grew up": a wife, a mother, and a doctor. Well, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. But something's missing.

I want a baby. (duh!) And it makes me sick that someone is able to tell me that I can't have one. I was having a really bad day when I posted that last post. And, if you know me, I act all tough like things don't bother me until WHAM! I just break down. Which is what happened. I felt better about 20 minutes after I posted that. I just needed some time to sit alone and ugly cry. I mean, really ugly cry. My biggest problem now is that I am not a patient person. I used to pray for patience...until a good friend told me you're not supposed to do that. Maybe that's why my patience (or lack there of) is being tested right now. I just want a baby, darnit! And I'll take it any way I can get it. Adoption. Yes, please. IVF. Bring it on. Naturally. Let's do it. (pun kinda intended). So, I'm just trying to keep my faith. I do know that God has a plan. And I know one day this will all make sense. But, that doesn't make it any easier on days when you feel like your hopes are being taken away from you. So, just be patient with me as I learn to be patient.

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that adoption should be something we really want and not just another means to the end. But, it is something we really want. H and I have always said we wanted to adopt. We don't care how, or in what order, we get our children. We just want them.


2.) People are awesome. Thank you so much for all of the prayers and well wishes. Most of the people who read my blog don't even know me in real life, and it feels really good to know people care. And, at the risk of sounding selfish, keep the prayers comin'. I could still use a few :)

3.) In order to lighten the mood around here a little...I have a lot of pictures I promised to post, and some that I didn't promise to post. So, bring on Foto Friday! Drumroll please...

Moving Day! Excuse my nasty-lookin' self.

This is where we now live. We went from living 3 miles from Downtown to having twin cowboys riding horses down our street. Kinda looks like a commercial, doesn't it?

Just a sneak peak of the living room so far.


And, the back porch.


And, under the armoir. Random? yes. This is where Sophie hid for 3 hours during the thunderstorm the other night. It was hi-lar-i-ous.

Belle's funny too. Yesterday she was sleeping in the bathtub. Silly dog!

Let's not forget our home away from home in Lawton. Resort de Greenhaw.


We spent a lot of time in the hammock. No, I'm not naked.


But, this is the other side of Lawton. I'm not sure what's funnier, the sign or the man in the all white suit.


Probably the sign, f'real.


And, you can't go to Lawton without a trip to Meers.


Ah, the famous Meers Burger. 7" inches of longhorn-beefy goodness.


Seconds, please!


Hi, lunch.


And, kickball on Cinco de Mayo. You have to have tequila and Coronas!

That's all. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! We have a lot of stuff planned and we're going to have a blast!

i can't even come up with a witty title...

I don't consider myself a cryer. But, here I am at the computer typing this blog with tears dried to my cheeks and a snotty nose.

Life just isn't fair, is it?

I just found out that we weren't able to get pre-approval for the IVF loan. I don't even know what to think right now. I know that it probably has a lot to do with the fact that we just bought a house, but that doesn't make me feel any better. What does that mean? We try again in 2 months? 6 months? 2 years? I know IVF is still possible, but I wanted a baby a year and a half ago. I just can't wait. I don't have a choice, but I don't want to wait. Who are they to tell me I can't have a baby right now?? People who can't afford babies have them every day, but I can't have one because I don't have $20,000 laying around??

The reality of all of this just started sinking in since my appt last week. We will not get pg without IVF. That's it. No more "trying" on my "fertile" days. No more counting down the days til I can take a pg test. It just doesn't seem fair. Up until last week, I feel like I'd been romanticizing the idea of IVF. Oh, it will be so cool. The possibility of twins. Yay! But, it isn't cool. It's painful. And expensive. And unfair.

I'm sorry, I'm just hurt right now. I really felt like things were coming together. We were scheduled to start IVF at the end of July/early August. But, now I have to call them and tell them we weren't approved. I'm waiting until the lump dissolves from my throat before I call. I don't think Priscilla wants to hear me wailing into the phone.

One of my favorite quotes is from the top of Rachel's blog. She is pregnant now through IVF, so it's gone, but it will be my mantra to get me through this.

"God has a plan for you...and one day that plan will call you mommy".

moms are swell.

Since today is Mother's Day, I thought I'd just write a little post to my mother and tell her how wonderful she is.

You know I love you, Mom. You are truly my best friend. I love that I can talk to you about anything. At any time. And you're always there to listen. Thank you so much for all that you do for Heath and I. I know that he feels blessed to have such a wonderful mom-in-law. I know both of us our counting down the days, weeks, months and years until you and dad move up to the city. Thank you for always being so supportive of every decision, and mistake, that I've made through the years. I only hope that I will be the mother that you have been...luckily I've got a good example to follow. Happy Mother's Day and I can't wait for all the adventures we'll share in the future!

And, to my other mom, Annette, since I just found out today that you read this too: I love you! I really couldn't have married into a better family. Thank you for everything you do for Heath and I and for all the yummy meals you've cooked us at Casa De Corbin! I wish you guys were closer because we don't see you even close to as much as we'd like. You've only been a mother to me for the last 4 years, but I'm looking forward to many, many more Mother's Days with you. I love you and thank you for everything...especially your son :)

is it over yet?

Wow. Where to start?

Let's see. We closed on our lovely old house on Wednesday and moved out Thursday. We did not close on the new house Thursday but the builder let us move our stuff in. I'll post some lovely pics from moving day when I get to my computer. We spent the weekend in Lawton with my family at Resort de Greenhaw, as I like to call it. Pics to come from that adventure as well. I headed back to the city Monday with Heath to get Power of Attorny so that I could sign for him at closing, then I sent him back on his way to Chicago. I've since been homeless staying with friends and family and just found out about an hour ago that we're closing on our house TODAY! Praise God! I was just hoping for the end of the week at best!

My wonderful sister is coming up from Dallas to stay with me for the rest of the week. I'll be using her mad decorating skills to help with the new pad, but I'm also thankful I won't be sleeping in the new house alone tonight. Ahhh, tonight! I'm so excited I'll be in my new house TONIGHT!

And....finally some developments on the fertility front. I had my first appointment with the RE today. Courtney went with me and it was so good to have her there for moral support. It went really well and I really liked Dr. H. He was extremely personable and spent tons of time talking to me. Dr. H said that with Heath's morphology being 0%, there is very very little chance we could ever get pregnant naturally. He's also extremely confident that my reproductive system is functioning quite well. So, our three options are:

1.) Do IUI (intra-uterine insemination) for a few cycles and then IVF. But, Dr. H has never seen anyone with 0% morph get pg through IU and the chances of it happening are as low as 2%. So, basically even though IUI is cheaper, in the long run we'd end up doing IVF anyway.
2.) Do IVF with ICSI now.
3.) Use donor sperm. This is definitely not an option for us now.

So, as soon as we close on the house, I'm going to start working on the financing for IVF. I'm a little worried about the timing considering we just took out a mortgage and we're also planning on taking a personal loan. But, we'll see what we can do. If all goes well, we'll be starting IVF in July!

So, today's been a big day! I feel like today is the start of a whole new chapter in our lives and I'm really excited about it. As much as this last month and a half has been really tough, it's also been a really good experience. Yesterday, I couldn't help but be joyful thinking about how blessed we are. I've had people coming out of the woodwork to offer up their homes, their beds and their time to help us out during this experience. I always knew I was surrounded by amazing people, but these last few days I've really had to sit down and thank God tremendously for the angels He's put in our life.