We moved!

But not too far.

www.waitingonforever.com. Be sure to update your google readers!

I decided that I wasn't comfortable with having so many pics of J on the blog. So, from now on, the pics of our little man will be password protected. I didn't want to make the whole blog private because I love getting to share our story with so many people, but still wanted to maintain some privacy.

I know that I tend to stop following some blogs when they move but I hope I don't lose any of you! This is such an exciting time in our lives and I've been so blessed to have shared it with you all. Your prayers, support and shared excitement for us means the world!

Finally a father.

Wow, what a difference a year can make.

Happy father's day, my sweet husband. I am amazed at the journey that we've been on this last year, especially the last six weeks. I love being a mommy with you by my side.

Seeing you as a daddy has made me fall in love with you all over again. J had you wrapped around his tiny finger the second you laid eyes on him.


You're so attentive to him. You make him smile and coo like no one else. You've gotten quite good at changing those poopy diapers even though you swore you wouldn't touch them. Your reflexes have saved you several times from the stream of pee that usually hits me in the face. I love how excited you get talking about football games, hair cuts, fishing trips and picking out future girlfriends. Just like any proud daddy, you can't wait to show him off and brag to family, friends and strangers.


God chose YOU to be J's father. And what a lucky boy he is for that!

Just like I could never have imagined we would be here with this beautiful little boy in our arms today, I have no idea where our journey to parenthood will take us. But, I take comfort in knowing that regardless of where our babies come from: the 'ol fashioned way, a test tube or petri dish, a phone call from a stranger or me stealing babies from the nursery - I know that you will and can love them all with every inch of yourself. I know you share the same fears that I do, but I thank you for being my rock through this amazing, painful and beautiful journey. You never hold back - you love J with everything that you have. You remind me to have faith and relish in the joy of right now and because of that I am a better mother to him.

Happy father's day, Heath. And here's to many, many more!



And, to my own dad: I love you dearly. Just like with Heath and I, this little guy has stolen your heart as well. I love seeing you in this new role as grandpa - you're already a pro at it. I am forever grateful for the support you gave me whether that came in the form of hugs, money or horses :). Happy Father's day, Pops - I love you!

newborn pics

Busy. Will update soon!

For now - feast your eyes on these.

rollin'

Our little man turned one month old on the 3rd. We've had him for 4 weeks yesterday. I can't believe how quickly time is going. He changes every day and is so alert and active. He has already started rolling over (see the video proof below) and pushing himself across the floor. I think we're going to have an early crawler and walker on our hands!

We took J to my end of the year peds banquet last night. My mom was supposed to watch him but ended up being really sick. Luckily he is quite content in his carseat and just slept through the whole thing. He even slept through the 15 people passing him around at the end! I won the Intern Teaching Award. It's a peer selected award and it was quite an honor to recieve it! I have such an amazing intern class that everyone was very deserving.



In other J news, he was scheduled to have a visit with his mom on Friday. She didn't show. This is good news for us, but his father and grandma did show up. This was the first I'd heard of them since we've had J. I wasn't aware that dad was going to be in the picture at all. I'm not too worried about him getting custody. He's been arrested for child abuse and has a lot of the same issues as mom does. But, I am worried about grandma. I'm not sure if she would be interested in taking him or if DHS would even allow it. I feel secure with him right now, but worried that family is going to start coming out of the woodwork. I'm interested to hear back from my case worker what the story is with why mom didn't show up and how involved dad/grandma will be. We're headed to court on Monday and will hopefully find out about mom's treatment plan and how willing she will be to work on getting J back. Regardless of what her worker says, mom's actions show that she isn't very interested.

just the three of us.

Thanks so much for all the comments. You were right. All of you, for different reasons.

We decided not to go any further. I asked around today and the kiddo really does need quite a bit of care medically, not to mention the mental and emotional aspects of it all.

I think I knew last night that it wasn't the right thing for us, but Heath was game from the second he heard there was a little boy that needed placement. So far, each time we've gotten an "offer" (not sure what other word to use....) Heath has been the one to say "YES!" right away and I'm more level headed. We're both very emotionally driven when it comes to decisions, but thankfully I've learned to step away from the situation, evaluate and then move forward with my emotions in check.

I just appreciate the honesty and prayer you lent us and for not saying that I'm out of my mind even though I'm sure it appeared that way! Part of what I love about blogging is the feedback as well as the clarity that comes with just typing it out.

I can definitely see us moving forward with something like this in the not so distant (i.e. 6 months to a year or two) future but this just wasn't the right time or the right kiddo. Regardless, it's taught me that what I knew or thought I knew for our future family isn't what will necessarily be. I assumed we would have our own children and then adopt one day. That plan changed to adoption and then IVF for bio kids. Now I could see adopting a brood and being perfectly content. Who knows what God has in store, but it's exciting to see it unfold.

insane.

Tell me why Heath and I are seriously contemplating taking home a 2 1/2 year old boy from the hospital that needs placement. Rights will likely be terminated as DHS is already recommending termination. Are we out of our honkey tonk minds?

My mom's opinion (which I highly value): This isn't what we planned and we should probably space them out as if we were actually having children ourselves.

My response: Having J has completely opened us up to the idea of forming our family in a way we'd never imagined. We want to be parents - we don't care what shape, form or color that comes in. We have boat loads of love to give and this child needs it. Sounds pretty simple.

For the record, I do know that it's a crazy, hair brained idea. But, I can't stop thinking about how it would work.

Thoughts? Opinions? Give it to me straight, I can take it.

J says "Girl, you craaaaazy!"

fired up.

*accidentally hit post before I was ready....I get fired up and my fingers have a mind of their own!*

I am totally going to use this blog to vent. If I don't get this out here, I'll end up emailing it and getting myself into trouble!

I got an email forwarded to me from J's case worker that was sent to her by J's mom's worker. She said that we could do every other week visitation for now, but that it is important for us to realize that the goal is to reunify J with his mom and that it is ...get this... his right to see his mother. Which, in my opinion, implies that I was trying to withhold this right from him by suggesting less often visits.

Hold up.

Seriously? I am a pediatrician and pride myself on being child advocate and I'm pretty sure that this child's rights were violated a loooooong time ago. Don't even get me started on his rights. He had the right to be drug free while in utero. He has the right to be loved and cared for and have his best interest at mind. Just because he can't speak doesn't mean that we should assume his best interests are the same as his mother's (I use that term loosely).

Is this woman kidding herself? I know that she's just doing what she's been told by DHS but I cannot believe that an educated person would really believe that being 'reunited' with the birth family is always the best. DHS needs to change it's goal from reunification with the birth family to placing a child in a permanent, loving, SAFE home regardless of who that home is with.

Besides, what kind of message are we sending by putting so much weight on blood relatives? Yes, I'm sure there are plenty cases where just the trauma of being taken from your parents can be tremendous. But, the risks and benefits have to be weighed. The cookie cutter solution is not teaching these parents how to follow the rules long enough to get their kids back.

Whose best interest are we really putting first here? Who does it benefit at this point to have weekly visits? Who is going to advocate for J if Heath and I don't? But, if we stand up for what we think is best for him, we will be accused of having our own interests in mind because we've gotten more attached than we should.

I know it's waaaaay too early in the ball game to be this upset, but this email struck a cord with me. J's mom hasn't done much, good or bad, for me to expect DHS to want anything but reunification - but the culture of placing kids back into less than ideal homes just because they're blood relatives has got to change.

I was talking to my attending today who had a foster son for about 5 months before he was sent back to live with his birth mom in a rehab facility. I can't believe that DHS would take a child out of a stable environment to live at rehab with his birth mother. Is being with his birth mother so important that a child needs to move before she has really proven to have her life straight? Of course she's drug free - she's basically a caged animal who has been temporarily taken out of her poisonous environment! Put her back on the street and give her some time before putting that child back in her arms.

I don't think we can just expect failure either, but give these parents more time to show their colors before uprooting a child again and causing more irreversible damage.

Another friend's dad is a pediatrician who almost got arrested for contempt of court. While going to testify on a case he told the judge "I know you'll do what you're going to regardless, but my opinion is that if you place this child back with this family - the next time I see him, he'll be dead". Unfortunately, it was true. This is obviously the extreme, but it but it happens!

I just feel so powerless. I know that all we can do is pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. We have to pray that J's judge makes the right decisions and that God opens his eyes to what is best for J and only J. We have to pray that J's mom will do what is best for J. We have to pray for a peace about whatever may happen to him.

Sorry for this post - I'm sure it's all over the place and hard to follow. Writing in stream of conciousness is all I can get out right now because the thoughts are flowing so quickly. I really already feel better. I vented to 3 or 4 friends on the phone before even typing this because I wanted to choose my words wisely.

I feel better now.