4 weeks.

Our little man is 4 weeks old today! I can't believe he's been with us for a little over 3 weeks. Time flies. I've enjoyed my two weeks of playing SAHM a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still ready for a break and don't plan to ever staying home full time, but I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have to be there at 6 a.m. and poor Heath is not looking forward to waking up early to take J to the babysitter's.

We had a busy two weeks. J and I had a lunch date every day, one day we had two lunch dates! Every night Heath, J and I had plans to meet someone for dinner. I co-hosted a baby shower with the fabulous Rachel and a few other girls, worked in the garden, got the house cleaned up (finally), spent some time with my BFF and her little girl, went to the zoo, visited my parents, got my hair done (almost back to blonde) and got in a little too much shopping.

As far as the situation with J and his mom, we haven't heard much. J had his second visit with his birth mom last week. The visit was scheduled from 2:30-3:30. She showed up twenty minutes late. At 3:15, she said "Ok, I'm done". So, she spent 25 minutes out of the one hour she was given. I took it as a sign that she was losing steam already. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with this little guy. She sees him once a week at the most and she didn't even want to use an hour. Unbelieveable. On Tuesday we found out that J's case had been assigned to the Judge that we'd been praying for - he apparently is the judge known for giving birth mom's the least amount of chances - which was such a blessing! We also found out on Tuesday that mom had already called the CW twice to find out about the next visit. I did some emailing and found out that visits will be planned for every other Friday until mom can make some progress. Later in the week I got an email from J's mom's worker asking if I'd be willing to do weekly visits. Feeling protective and a little irritated that she's even asking considering the lack of interest his mom has shown so far - I said no. I told her that I felt that every other week was sufficient until his mom valued the time she was given. Now, I feel that maybe I was overstepping a bit, but I haven't heard back. Our worker said she agreed with me, but we'll see what his says.

This is a pretty boring post and way too much has been going on to even try to catch up.

We're still loving our little guy more each day. It's so fun to watch him grow and change. He weighed in at a whopping 6.9lbs at his 3 week visit so this week he's finally starting to fit some of his newborn clothes. We just feel so blessed. Beka and I talked a long time about everything last night and it's really amazing to look back on the journey that God has taken us on. I've already learned so much, with the most being in the last three weeks. As scared as I am to think about where this will go, I am so excited and cannot help but thank God every minute for this beautiful little boy.

Hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll try to post more this week.

busy.

I've tried to start this post three times. But, *something* keeps diverting my attention. (I wrote that on Monday....It is now Tuesday)

Little man is finally sleeping so I thought I'd hop on here for a quick post.

Things are amazing. Today is my second day of being a SAHM which I quickly decided is NOT.FOR.ME! I'm glad that I'm able to take these two weeks off to spend with J, but it's hard work!

J has another visit with his birth mom tomorrow after her first court hearing. I'm hoping to know a little bit more about her treatment plan and visitation schedule after tomorrow.

We've been doing a much better job of taking it one day at a time and loving J for the blessing he is now. I'll post some of the wisdom I've received from friends and family some other time but it has been tremendously helpful during all of this.

So....since I'm short on time and too tired to write a coherent post - how about some pictures?

First time feeding his "buddy" (that's what he calls J)

J and MiMi (or Lolly). We haven't quite decided on a name for her yet.

Megan and Paige. Megan and I started 'trying' around the same time 2 1/2 years ago and now we have babies 10 days apart!

J's first walk around the neighborhood. Please excuse me - I always look like a greased pig when I get off work.

First time to get his hair washed. I love this pic - he looks like a little man at the barber shop.


J after his first bath. Look at that face! So funny!

First time in his whale tub.

The nursery from the doorway.

From the rocking chair - where I spend many hours at night. This room still needs A LOT of work. I have nothing on the walls.
Oh, and that yellow dresser is an old 50's style dresser we found at an antique store. Don't have a before pic but it was gnarly. It's not the cutest thing - but it was $50 and works.

The cute little Ikea quilt I found.

J's first play date with Miss Paige today.

All right - that's all I got, folks. We're having friends over for dinner tonight so I have to run!

visitation.

Back from the visit. Compared to how the rest of the day went, the visit itself wasn't all that painful.

I was running late. I was rushing to get out of the hospital by noon and I got to the parking lot to find that my car was dead. I hadn't left any lights on, but it was dead.dead.dead.
A friend jumped my car and Heath came to trade me cars to ensure that I didn't make it home only to have a dead battery again.

Then, I was stuck in traffic. There was a fatal wreck on the highway that turned my 25 minute drive home into an hour.

If you know me, you know that I DESPISE being late. I get super stressed out if I think I won't be somewhere 5 minutes early. So, I was stressed to the max sitting still in traffic.

Turns out, that I think it all happened for a reason (duh.). My mindset changed sitting in that traffic from dreading our visit to making it my goal to make it there in time. It's silly, but I was so worried about making it there, I wasn't worried about seeing J's mom or how I'd react to her and J together.

As far as the visit...here is the email I sent to Beth at A'sH when she asked how it went:

"It actually wasn't bad. His mom is already asking about family planning meetings and was going today for a job interview. We're just having a hard time with all of this. I really feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing, but Satan is really working on us. We have let ourselves fall in love with this little guy and I'm not sure how we'll handle it if mom gets him back. It's difficult to know how to pray about it, other than just that we'll be at peace regardless and that J ends up where he will be the safest/happiest/most loved. Otherwise, I feel like we're wishing her to fail so that we can keep her son. Heath texted me today and said "If he gets taken away, I don't know if I can do this. It will hurt too bad". Break.my.heart. Not exactly what I needed to hear minutes before walking in to meet J's mom. Who knows where God will lead us, but it's difficult to imagine putting ourselves into this situation too many times.

So, we're just emotional about all of it right now. I'm trying to relish in the time we have with J without focusing on that 'what ifs'. I need constant reminder that this isn't about US. It's about J. And we're here soley to love him and care for him when he needs it - whether that be for now or forever. But, our hearts our involved and I question that we're in over our heads.

Being post-call and exhausted doesn't help the situation - makes me a little emotionally fragile. I know we'll be fine. We just have to pray that God will change our mindset about our purpose in doing this. So, pray with us that we'll be at peace and be able to enjoy J for whatever time he is with us. The meeting today made me realize that mom is going to work a lot harder to get him back than I had imagined. I think I underestimated her. Although, she is an addict and I'm sure things will change day to day.

Thanks for asking about today. It's crazy how I thought things would be simple and easy once we had a baby in our home - but now is the time that God will really start working on our hearts. "

::EDIT:: You girls are so awesome. Seriously. Words cannot express the encouragement I've gained from your comments. Thank you.

And, I'm feeling better already - I got an extremely encouraging email from Beth at A'sH, and a phone call that have brought me to my senses. I will not let Satan have the satisfaction of stealing our joy. On that note...I have a little guy to go love on :)

weekend recap.

Things are busy. No cute pics in this post. I'm stuck in the PICU on call again. Obviously the last place I want to be right now.

So, how is life with J?

Words cannot describe. I wasn't kidding when I said we were head over heels for the little man already. I'll post more on that later.

Let's recap, shall we? (Note: this may be a tad boring...it's more for my memory than anything. Bear with me.)

Friday: Took J home after a long night in the PICU. While I normally go home and sleep 6-8 hours after a call - that wasn't an option. Luckily the excitement had given me a natural energy boost so I was high on life for the day. J promptly filled his diaper with some nastiness upon arrival to his new home. I changed him on the kitchen floor. Weird, but for some reason that seemed like a reasonable place to do it. The day went well. He slept mostly. I complained a little that he was kind of boring and I wished I could take him to the zoo or for a walk. Apparently you don't do that with 5 day old babes. My mom (who was a life.saver over the weekend) was at the house to help out withing an hour of us getting home. Then, Heath came home and sat on the couch with him in his arms for about 6 hours. No lie.

The night was long. Long, long long. I ended up with about 5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. I felt and looked post-partum (but I still fit into my pre-baby jeans, yay! ;) ) Mom, Heath and I did shifts and I think J was up most of the night. At one point I was so tired I could barely stand and I thrust him onto my sleeping mother saying "I don't know what else to do with him!!!!" in a shrill, hysterical voice.

Saturday: My dad couldn't stay away after all the gushing about how sweet and cuddly J was, so he came up to join us. Against my better judgement (I am a pediatrician ya know...) we took J out to BRU and then to a Mexican restaraunt for lunch. The little guy didn't make a peep. And, he luckily didn't catch the bird flu either!

Saturday night was much smoother. J actually slept for an extended period of time and was a little easier to put down in his crib.

Sunday (my first Mother's Day!!!): The Corbin clan (I call them this because there are a TON of them! 8 kiddos, 2 on the way, and 8 adults) all came to visit. I am so blessed that they have been so supportive and are so happy for us. We just took it easy (as easy as you can with 8 kids running amuck) and ordered pizza. They left around 4 and Heath and I spent the rest of the evening staring at, kissing on and cuddling J. I'm not kidding - I'm pretty sure we avoided even getting up to pee because it would mean putting him down.

Unfortunately, I had to get up bright and early to head back to work Monday morning. My amazing husband took the 9pm - 4am shift, which means the poor man got no sleep, while I got my beauty rest. I woke up at 4, fed and changed J and got ready for work.

So, Heath has gotten to play Mr. Mom for the last two days. A job that he quickly found out is not one he wants to ever take on full time - even though he's a natural at it.

Today was J's newborn visit. He's weighing in at a whopping 6.1kg (OOPS, I mean lbs. We use the crazy metric system around here..), which isn't quite back up to birth weight. He'll be headed back to clinic next week for a weight check.

In other news, I decided to take some time off work. I originally wasn't going to. My reasoning being that since this is a fostering situation, I can't really expect to take time off each time we foster. But, things have been hectic with my parents trying to take time off to help. So, after Sunday, I'll be off until June 1st. It's not long, but I'm so glad I'll get to spend 2 whole weeks at home with little man. Then my friend Sarah will be watching him for 2 weeks until he goes to day care.

I've been amazed at how quickly our families have accepted J as their own. My parents were apprehensive (mainly concerned that Heath and I would get hurt through this process) but little man has them wrapped around his long, skinny fingers as well. Heath's sister was almost in tears several times this weekend because she's so happy for us and is already picturing J growing up with the other kiddos. So, all in all - amazing weekend. Probably the best ever. God is good and I cannot believe we've been choosen to love and care for this peanut. Regardless of it all - I'm loving it.

That's about it. I've got other stuff to post about - i.e. how I'm emotionally dealing with all of this, meeting J's mom tomorrow for the first time, and how Satan is really trying to convince me I'm not cut out for this, etc. But, we'll save that for tomorrow. For now, I'm off to bed since sleeping post call is a thing of the past...

blessed.

This is what I came home to after running errands yesterday.

Seriously, does it get any better?

I can't believe I have a baby in my arms on Mother's day. My heart is so full.

Heath and I are irrevocably (recognize that word, Twilight fans?) in love. I cannot even bear to think that this little guy won't be with us forever and ever. It makes my heart hurt to imagine giving him back. Once again - please pray. It may be months before we find anything out, but we know that we would be devastated if he left us.

Blah.

Needless to say, we've been a bit busy lately. I promise to update on how things are going as soon as I can tear myself away from my little peanut long enough.


Edit:: Happy Mother's Day to all you ladies out there. And, to those of you who are having a hard time today because you're still waiting for God to bless you with a little one - be patient. God is good and He wants to grant you your desires in HIS timing. Trust me, it's worth the wait!

headed home

Headed home with J yesterday at 1:00pm after being at the hospital 31 hours. New mommy glow or post-call grime? You decide.

melt my heart.

Meeting for the first time.

Heath fell in love the second he saw him and I fell in love with my husband all over again.

I knew he'd be an amazing dad, but watching him with J today has made me warm and squishy inside.

I love my boys.

no words...

I just recieved an email that said we were approved and J should be placed with us today!!!

I have no words. I'm so excited and nervous! I'll have a baby on Mother's Day!

Thanks so much and I'll keep you updated! I'm hoping to take him home with me when I leave the hospital at noon today!

Praise God!

not yet.

Still haven't heard anything.

It's 1:12 a.m., I'm on call in the PICU and I think I made a big mistake tonight.

I went and visited the little guy ("J"). I held him for about an hour. Fed him (he's a big eater). Stared at his precious little face (he has the most perfect little lips). And imagined taking him home with me in the morning (I even stuck the car seat in my car this morning before leaving for work).

I'm hooked. I don't know what I'll do if we don't get to take this little guy home. It's so far from anything we've ever done, that I can't quite imagine it really happening - but, at the same time, I can't imagine not getting him either.

Heath and I spend the day making phone calls and sending emails with no reply to either. I have no idea if our case workers have even spoken to each other. I have no clue if J already has a placement in the works. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it.

I mean, how hard can it be? We're certified foster parents, he needs a home - sounds pretty simple. I just hate that he's just sitting in the nursery when he could be at home in Heath's arms right now.

I emailed Beth from A'sH and she is trying to move things along or at least get some information for us. She said we probably shouldn't expect anything to happen Friday.

It just blows my mind how horrible DHS is at communication. Why couldn't we have received a quick phone call or email today telling us the status. They have no idea what it's like to be waiting on this end, obviously. Our entire lives could change at any moment and they don't even feel the need to call and say "It might take a day or two, but we're working on that placement" or even "Looks like another foster family has already been found".

Ugh. That's really all for now. Just needed to vent. Hopefully the next post will be a little more positive.

I'm off to see my new admit - suicidal adolescent...joy!

take a second...

and say a prayer please!

We have a possible placement in the works.

The little guy is in the nursery at the hospital and needs a home.

We are waiting for our foster care worker and his to make things happen.

No word yet, so I'm assuming we won't hear anything until tomorrow.

It's not a guarantee but I think there's a good chance this will work.

So, even though you guys have prayed a hundred prayers for us (and so many more than we deserve), do it again. Will ya? Thanks :)

And, as always, I'll keep you posted.