The Grinch and other random musings.

[Brace yourself -- this could be lengthy]

As you may have noticed by my lack of yule-themed posts, I was a major Grinch this year. No tree, no cards and no Christmas cheer. [Merry belated Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, ect.] I can think of a variety of excuses: I worked through Thanksgiving so it never really felt like Christmas, the weather didn't suit the holiday-- but I think it all comes back to one reason. It's a central theme on this blog. I'm sure you can guess it.

The holidays are just reminder that another year has come and gone with out a baby - in my arms or in my belly. I can't help but think about how this could be our second Christmas with a baby if we'd gotten pregnant when we started 'trying'. I won't dwell too much on that -- same song, different verse. But, I have been thinking that it's about time that Heath and I are a little more pro-active for Baby Hunt 2009 [that's what I'll call it now ;) ]. It seems like all of these opportunities are just a few steps away...but we never take that next step to put things in motion. Between failed adoptions, IVF financing, the cost of agency adoptions -- it all seems out of our reach. So, rather than sit and wait for something to fall in our laps, I think it's time to take some action.

I want to go ahead and have a home study and become approved foster parents. I'm not sure where I think this will take us, but I just feel led to do it. I'm not quite sure where Heath stands on it. If you know us, you know that I usually make decision for 'us' and he's none the wiser. I mentioned it, but we've yet to have a serious conversation about it.

You might be wondering (but you probably aren't) what brought me to make this decision. I'm going to tell you whether you care of not. You're reading this, so I assume you care. I worked last Saturday in the ER. When I came in for my shift, there was a beautiful little girl - probably 2 months old - that was waiting for the police to take her to the shelter. Apparently her parents (I use that term loosely) had gotten drunk, started fighting, and she was stuck in the middle. The story was that dad dropped her and then fell on top of her, but the bruises told a different story. It broke my heart knowing that she would be spending the night in a shelter. I held her for about an hour. The nurses chipped in and bought her a nice warm long sleeved onsie from the gift shop to replace the thin, stained Halloween onsie she came in wearing. I literally begged the police officer to just let me take her. I'm a doctor. I'm clean. I'll love on her and take good care of her, I promise. It's better than the shelter. But, of course they had no choice but to take her.

I couldn't help but think how easy it could have been if we'd already had our home study done and were licensed to foster. Hold up - before you start thinking that I was delusional in thinking that I could whisk this baby away and keep her, it wasn't like that. I knew good and well that she would quickly go back to her parents. It wasn't about keeping her to be mine. It was about loving on her for 24 hours or longer so that she wouldn't have to spend the night in a shelter. So, for the first time - it wasn't about me, and a baby for Heath and I - it was just about being a temporary shelter and loving parent to this baby when she needed it. And, I wondered if I could do that for other babies. In the meantime. Until God has a baby for us for keeps. I feel like I'm in a profession where I will, obviously, come across this a lot.

And, of course, I know it could be a difficult situation for someone who wants a baby as badly as we do. It could be a string of heartache as we grow attached and each baby is taken from us to be given back to a parent who surely couldn't love her like we do. But, when I was holding that little girl, it didn't feel like I wanted her to keep. I just wanted to protect her.

Not real sure how that will turn out. It seems to be a trend where if I blog about something, it never comes true. Maybe I should worry about that. But, either way, I'll keep you posted.