rollin'

Our little man turned one month old on the 3rd. We've had him for 4 weeks yesterday. I can't believe how quickly time is going. He changes every day and is so alert and active. He has already started rolling over (see the video proof below) and pushing himself across the floor. I think we're going to have an early crawler and walker on our hands!

We took J to my end of the year peds banquet last night. My mom was supposed to watch him but ended up being really sick. Luckily he is quite content in his carseat and just slept through the whole thing. He even slept through the 15 people passing him around at the end! I won the Intern Teaching Award. It's a peer selected award and it was quite an honor to recieve it! I have such an amazing intern class that everyone was very deserving.



In other J news, he was scheduled to have a visit with his mom on Friday. She didn't show. This is good news for us, but his father and grandma did show up. This was the first I'd heard of them since we've had J. I wasn't aware that dad was going to be in the picture at all. I'm not too worried about him getting custody. He's been arrested for child abuse and has a lot of the same issues as mom does. But, I am worried about grandma. I'm not sure if she would be interested in taking him or if DHS would even allow it. I feel secure with him right now, but worried that family is going to start coming out of the woodwork. I'm interested to hear back from my case worker what the story is with why mom didn't show up and how involved dad/grandma will be. We're headed to court on Monday and will hopefully find out about mom's treatment plan and how willing she will be to work on getting J back. Regardless of what her worker says, mom's actions show that she isn't very interested.

just the three of us.

Thanks so much for all the comments. You were right. All of you, for different reasons.

We decided not to go any further. I asked around today and the kiddo really does need quite a bit of care medically, not to mention the mental and emotional aspects of it all.

I think I knew last night that it wasn't the right thing for us, but Heath was game from the second he heard there was a little boy that needed placement. So far, each time we've gotten an "offer" (not sure what other word to use....) Heath has been the one to say "YES!" right away and I'm more level headed. We're both very emotionally driven when it comes to decisions, but thankfully I've learned to step away from the situation, evaluate and then move forward with my emotions in check.

I just appreciate the honesty and prayer you lent us and for not saying that I'm out of my mind even though I'm sure it appeared that way! Part of what I love about blogging is the feedback as well as the clarity that comes with just typing it out.

I can definitely see us moving forward with something like this in the not so distant (i.e. 6 months to a year or two) future but this just wasn't the right time or the right kiddo. Regardless, it's taught me that what I knew or thought I knew for our future family isn't what will necessarily be. I assumed we would have our own children and then adopt one day. That plan changed to adoption and then IVF for bio kids. Now I could see adopting a brood and being perfectly content. Who knows what God has in store, but it's exciting to see it unfold.

insane.

Tell me why Heath and I are seriously contemplating taking home a 2 1/2 year old boy from the hospital that needs placement. Rights will likely be terminated as DHS is already recommending termination. Are we out of our honkey tonk minds?

My mom's opinion (which I highly value): This isn't what we planned and we should probably space them out as if we were actually having children ourselves.

My response: Having J has completely opened us up to the idea of forming our family in a way we'd never imagined. We want to be parents - we don't care what shape, form or color that comes in. We have boat loads of love to give and this child needs it. Sounds pretty simple.

For the record, I do know that it's a crazy, hair brained idea. But, I can't stop thinking about how it would work.

Thoughts? Opinions? Give it to me straight, I can take it.

J says "Girl, you craaaaazy!"

fired up.

*accidentally hit post before I was ready....I get fired up and my fingers have a mind of their own!*

I am totally going to use this blog to vent. If I don't get this out here, I'll end up emailing it and getting myself into trouble!

I got an email forwarded to me from J's case worker that was sent to her by J's mom's worker. She said that we could do every other week visitation for now, but that it is important for us to realize that the goal is to reunify J with his mom and that it is ...get this... his right to see his mother. Which, in my opinion, implies that I was trying to withhold this right from him by suggesting less often visits.

Hold up.

Seriously? I am a pediatrician and pride myself on being child advocate and I'm pretty sure that this child's rights were violated a loooooong time ago. Don't even get me started on his rights. He had the right to be drug free while in utero. He has the right to be loved and cared for and have his best interest at mind. Just because he can't speak doesn't mean that we should assume his best interests are the same as his mother's (I use that term loosely).

Is this woman kidding herself? I know that she's just doing what she's been told by DHS but I cannot believe that an educated person would really believe that being 'reunited' with the birth family is always the best. DHS needs to change it's goal from reunification with the birth family to placing a child in a permanent, loving, SAFE home regardless of who that home is with.

Besides, what kind of message are we sending by putting so much weight on blood relatives? Yes, I'm sure there are plenty cases where just the trauma of being taken from your parents can be tremendous. But, the risks and benefits have to be weighed. The cookie cutter solution is not teaching these parents how to follow the rules long enough to get their kids back.

Whose best interest are we really putting first here? Who does it benefit at this point to have weekly visits? Who is going to advocate for J if Heath and I don't? But, if we stand up for what we think is best for him, we will be accused of having our own interests in mind because we've gotten more attached than we should.

I know it's waaaaay too early in the ball game to be this upset, but this email struck a cord with me. J's mom hasn't done much, good or bad, for me to expect DHS to want anything but reunification - but the culture of placing kids back into less than ideal homes just because they're blood relatives has got to change.

I was talking to my attending today who had a foster son for about 5 months before he was sent back to live with his birth mom in a rehab facility. I can't believe that DHS would take a child out of a stable environment to live at rehab with his birth mother. Is being with his birth mother so important that a child needs to move before she has really proven to have her life straight? Of course she's drug free - she's basically a caged animal who has been temporarily taken out of her poisonous environment! Put her back on the street and give her some time before putting that child back in her arms.

I don't think we can just expect failure either, but give these parents more time to show their colors before uprooting a child again and causing more irreversible damage.

Another friend's dad is a pediatrician who almost got arrested for contempt of court. While going to testify on a case he told the judge "I know you'll do what you're going to regardless, but my opinion is that if you place this child back with this family - the next time I see him, he'll be dead". Unfortunately, it was true. This is obviously the extreme, but it but it happens!

I just feel so powerless. I know that all we can do is pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. We have to pray that J's judge makes the right decisions and that God opens his eyes to what is best for J and only J. We have to pray that J's mom will do what is best for J. We have to pray for a peace about whatever may happen to him.

Sorry for this post - I'm sure it's all over the place and hard to follow. Writing in stream of conciousness is all I can get out right now because the thoughts are flowing so quickly. I really already feel better. I vented to 3 or 4 friends on the phone before even typing this because I wanted to choose my words wisely.

I feel better now.

4 weeks.

Our little man is 4 weeks old today! I can't believe he's been with us for a little over 3 weeks. Time flies. I've enjoyed my two weeks of playing SAHM a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still ready for a break and don't plan to ever staying home full time, but I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have to be there at 6 a.m. and poor Heath is not looking forward to waking up early to take J to the babysitter's.

We had a busy two weeks. J and I had a lunch date every day, one day we had two lunch dates! Every night Heath, J and I had plans to meet someone for dinner. I co-hosted a baby shower with the fabulous Rachel and a few other girls, worked in the garden, got the house cleaned up (finally), spent some time with my BFF and her little girl, went to the zoo, visited my parents, got my hair done (almost back to blonde) and got in a little too much shopping.

As far as the situation with J and his mom, we haven't heard much. J had his second visit with his birth mom last week. The visit was scheduled from 2:30-3:30. She showed up twenty minutes late. At 3:15, she said "Ok, I'm done". So, she spent 25 minutes out of the one hour she was given. I took it as a sign that she was losing steam already. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with this little guy. She sees him once a week at the most and she didn't even want to use an hour. Unbelieveable. On Tuesday we found out that J's case had been assigned to the Judge that we'd been praying for - he apparently is the judge known for giving birth mom's the least amount of chances - which was such a blessing! We also found out on Tuesday that mom had already called the CW twice to find out about the next visit. I did some emailing and found out that visits will be planned for every other Friday until mom can make some progress. Later in the week I got an email from J's mom's worker asking if I'd be willing to do weekly visits. Feeling protective and a little irritated that she's even asking considering the lack of interest his mom has shown so far - I said no. I told her that I felt that every other week was sufficient until his mom valued the time she was given. Now, I feel that maybe I was overstepping a bit, but I haven't heard back. Our worker said she agreed with me, but we'll see what his says.

This is a pretty boring post and way too much has been going on to even try to catch up.

We're still loving our little guy more each day. It's so fun to watch him grow and change. He weighed in at a whopping 6.9lbs at his 3 week visit so this week he's finally starting to fit some of his newborn clothes. We just feel so blessed. Beka and I talked a long time about everything last night and it's really amazing to look back on the journey that God has taken us on. I've already learned so much, with the most being in the last three weeks. As scared as I am to think about where this will go, I am so excited and cannot help but thank God every minute for this beautiful little boy.

Hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll try to post more this week.

busy.

I've tried to start this post three times. But, *something* keeps diverting my attention. (I wrote that on Monday....It is now Tuesday)

Little man is finally sleeping so I thought I'd hop on here for a quick post.

Things are amazing. Today is my second day of being a SAHM which I quickly decided is NOT.FOR.ME! I'm glad that I'm able to take these two weeks off to spend with J, but it's hard work!

J has another visit with his birth mom tomorrow after her first court hearing. I'm hoping to know a little bit more about her treatment plan and visitation schedule after tomorrow.

We've been doing a much better job of taking it one day at a time and loving J for the blessing he is now. I'll post some of the wisdom I've received from friends and family some other time but it has been tremendously helpful during all of this.

So....since I'm short on time and too tired to write a coherent post - how about some pictures?

First time feeding his "buddy" (that's what he calls J)

J and MiMi (or Lolly). We haven't quite decided on a name for her yet.

Megan and Paige. Megan and I started 'trying' around the same time 2 1/2 years ago and now we have babies 10 days apart!

J's first walk around the neighborhood. Please excuse me - I always look like a greased pig when I get off work.

First time to get his hair washed. I love this pic - he looks like a little man at the barber shop.


J after his first bath. Look at that face! So funny!

First time in his whale tub.

The nursery from the doorway.

From the rocking chair - where I spend many hours at night. This room still needs A LOT of work. I have nothing on the walls.
Oh, and that yellow dresser is an old 50's style dresser we found at an antique store. Don't have a before pic but it was gnarly. It's not the cutest thing - but it was $50 and works.

The cute little Ikea quilt I found.

J's first play date with Miss Paige today.

All right - that's all I got, folks. We're having friends over for dinner tonight so I have to run!

visitation.

Back from the visit. Compared to how the rest of the day went, the visit itself wasn't all that painful.

I was running late. I was rushing to get out of the hospital by noon and I got to the parking lot to find that my car was dead. I hadn't left any lights on, but it was dead.dead.dead.
A friend jumped my car and Heath came to trade me cars to ensure that I didn't make it home only to have a dead battery again.

Then, I was stuck in traffic. There was a fatal wreck on the highway that turned my 25 minute drive home into an hour.

If you know me, you know that I DESPISE being late. I get super stressed out if I think I won't be somewhere 5 minutes early. So, I was stressed to the max sitting still in traffic.

Turns out, that I think it all happened for a reason (duh.). My mindset changed sitting in that traffic from dreading our visit to making it my goal to make it there in time. It's silly, but I was so worried about making it there, I wasn't worried about seeing J's mom or how I'd react to her and J together.

As far as the visit...here is the email I sent to Beth at A'sH when she asked how it went:

"It actually wasn't bad. His mom is already asking about family planning meetings and was going today for a job interview. We're just having a hard time with all of this. I really feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing, but Satan is really working on us. We have let ourselves fall in love with this little guy and I'm not sure how we'll handle it if mom gets him back. It's difficult to know how to pray about it, other than just that we'll be at peace regardless and that J ends up where he will be the safest/happiest/most loved. Otherwise, I feel like we're wishing her to fail so that we can keep her son. Heath texted me today and said "If he gets taken away, I don't know if I can do this. It will hurt too bad". Break.my.heart. Not exactly what I needed to hear minutes before walking in to meet J's mom. Who knows where God will lead us, but it's difficult to imagine putting ourselves into this situation too many times.

So, we're just emotional about all of it right now. I'm trying to relish in the time we have with J without focusing on that 'what ifs'. I need constant reminder that this isn't about US. It's about J. And we're here soley to love him and care for him when he needs it - whether that be for now or forever. But, our hearts our involved and I question that we're in over our heads.

Being post-call and exhausted doesn't help the situation - makes me a little emotionally fragile. I know we'll be fine. We just have to pray that God will change our mindset about our purpose in doing this. So, pray with us that we'll be at peace and be able to enjoy J for whatever time he is with us. The meeting today made me realize that mom is going to work a lot harder to get him back than I had imagined. I think I underestimated her. Although, she is an addict and I'm sure things will change day to day.

Thanks for asking about today. It's crazy how I thought things would be simple and easy once we had a baby in our home - but now is the time that God will really start working on our hearts. "

::EDIT:: You girls are so awesome. Seriously. Words cannot express the encouragement I've gained from your comments. Thank you.

And, I'm feeling better already - I got an extremely encouraging email from Beth at A'sH, and a phone call that have brought me to my senses. I will not let Satan have the satisfaction of stealing our joy. On that note...I have a little guy to go love on :)