the sun'll come out

I am still in shock that this happened to me...

I felt like I had done a really good job at playing it cool today. I joked, I laughed, I only thought about A and the baby a few dozen times throughout the morning. But as I was leaving noon conference today, I was approached by a fellow resident with a furrowed brow.

"I have to talk to you about something very serious", he said. We're not friends, I mean, not really. We chat, we have spent a few hours in clinic together, but I had no idea why he would want to talk to me about something serious.

So, he goes on to tell me that "we weren't expecting this at all....we weren't planning it" .....
"but, my wife just found out she's pregnant". Suck. That was my first reaction. But, of course I congratulated him. Then... I can't even believe it as I type it...he proceeds to tell me that after hours of discussing it, they don't want it. AND, he wants me to help him find a place to have an abortion. SERIOUSLY? Why me? Of all people? On this day?

I calmly told him that I was the very last person he should ask about this as my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for ALMOST TWO YEARS and have had TWO failed adoptions. I told him that he had to stop talking or I would get very emotional on him. He kept talking. Guys just don't get it sometimes.

Thankfully I had to stop off along the way to get something and told him I'd see him later. Then, I.lost.it. Like, bawled my eyes out, couldn't talk, mascara running down my face. Lost it. I called my chief resident and told her I had to talk to her. I didn't think I could make it to clinic. How was I supposed to work? I mean, not only do I not agree with the decision he's making...it was just awful timing for me (because you know how it always comes back to me..I'm selfish like that).

Eventually, I calmed myself down enough to go to clinic. But, honestly, my breakdown probably didn't have that much do to with him. I just felt really hopeless today. I feel bad even typing that. I mean, I obviously still have hope. I know God will bring us a baby. But, I feel like our only avenue of getting a baby soon was this adoption. And now that door is closing. I know IVF is in our future. But, I feel like it's in our distant future.

This blog has become such a downer. I thought to myself yesterday that I was going to post pictures and something fun, and now you get this. So, to my 100 subscribers...stick around. I'll put my big girl panties on soon and entertain you a bit. But today is an angry day. Right after my encounter today, I asked "Why me? Why did you let him ask me? Protect me from these things, You know I'm fragile".

So, I'm now on my 3rd Corona. I know that's not a good way to deal with it. And, I promise I'm not an alcoholic, but a beer or eight just sounded good. So, Heath is on his way home with Bar-B-Que and beer and we plan on having a little fiesta tonight.

Tomorrow I'll be better. I always am.