{A Day in the Life}

don't forget...

2009-07-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder to add www.waitingonforever.com to your readers!

We moved!

2009-06-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

But not too far.

www.waitingonforever.com. Be sure to update your google readers!

I decided that I wasn't comfortable with having so many pics of J on the blog. So, from now on, the pics of our little man will be password protected. I didn't want to make the whole blog private because I love getting to share our story with so many people, but still wanted to maintain some privacy.

I know that I tend to stop following some blogs when they move but I hope I don't lose any of you! This is such an exciting time in our lives and I've been so blessed to have shared it with you all. Your prayers, support and shared excitement for us means the world!

Finally a father.

2009-06-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a difference a year can make.

Happy father's day, my sweet husband. I am amazed at the journey that we've been on this last year, especially the last six weeks. I love being a mommy with you by my side.

Seeing you as a daddy has made me fall in love with you all over again. J had you wrapped around his tiny finger the second you laid eyes on him.

You're so attentive to him. You make him smile and coo like no one else. You've gotten quite good at changing those poopy diapers even though you swore you wouldn't touch them. Your reflexes have saved you several times from the stream of pee that usually hits me in the face. I love how excited you get talking about football games, hair cuts, fishing trips and picking out future girlfriends. Just like any proud daddy, you can't wait to show him off and brag to family, friends and strangers.

God chose YOU to be J's father. And what a lucky boy he is for that!

Just like I could never have imagined we would be here with this beautiful little boy in our arms today, I have no idea where our journey to parenthood will take us. But, I take comfort in knowing that regardless of where our babies come from: the 'ol fashioned way, a test tube or petri dish, a phone call from a stranger or me stealing babies from the nursery - I know that you will and can love them all with every inch of yourself. I know you share the same fears that I do, but I thank you for being my rock through this amazing, painful and beautiful journey. You never hold back - you love J with everything that you have. You remind me to have faith and relish in the joy of right now and because of that I am a better mother to him.

Happy father's day, Heath. And here's to many, many more!

And, to my own dad: I love you dearly. Just like with Heath and I, this little guy has stolen your heart as well. I love seeing you in this new role as grandpa - you're already a pro at it. I am forever grateful for the support you gave me whether that came in the form of hugs, money or horses :). Happy Father's day, Pops - I love you!

newborn pics

2009-06-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Busy. Will update soon!

For now - feast your eyes on these.

rollin'

2009-06-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

Our little man turned one month old on the 3rd. We've had him for 4 weeks yesterday. I can't believe how quickly time is going. He changes every day and is so alert and active. He has already started rolling over (see the video proof below) and pushing himself across the floor. I think we're going to have an early crawler and walker on our hands!

We took J to my end of the year peds banquet last night. My mom was supposed to watch him but ended up being really sick. Luckily he is quite content in his carseat and just slept through the whole thing. He even slept through the 15 people passing him around at the end! I won the Intern Teaching Award. It's a peer selected award and it was quite an honor to recieve it! I have such an amazing intern class that everyone was very deserving.

In other J news, he was scheduled to have a visit with his mom on Friday. She didn't show. This is good news for us, but his father and grandma did show up. This was the first I'd heard of them since we've had J. I wasn't aware that dad was going to be in the picture at all. I'm not too worried about him getting custody. He's been arrested for child abuse and has a lot of the same issues as mom does. But, I am worried about grandma. I'm not sure if she would be interested in taking him or if DHS would even allow it. I feel secure with him right now, but worried that family is going to start coming out of the woodwork. I'm interested to hear back from my case worker what the story is with why mom didn't show up and how involved dad/grandma will be. We're headed to court on Monday and will hopefully find out about mom's treatment plan and how willing she will be to work on getting J back. Regardless of what her worker says, mom's actions show that she isn't very interested.

just the three of us.

2009-06-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for all the comments. You were right. All of you, for different reasons.

We decided not to go any further. I asked around today and the kiddo really does need quite a bit of care medically, not to mention the mental and emotional aspects of it all.

I think I knew last night that it wasn't the right thing for us, but Heath was game from the second he heard there was a little boy that needed placement. So far, each time we've gotten an "offer" (not sure what other word to use....) Heath has been the one to say "YES!" right away and I'm more level headed. We're both very emotionally driven when it comes to decisions, but thankfully I've learned to step away from the situation, evaluate and then move forward with my emotions in check.

I just appreciate the honesty and prayer you lent us and for not saying that I'm out of my mind even though I'm sure it appeared that way! Part of what I love about blogging is the feedback as well as the clarity that comes with just typing it out.

I can definitely see us moving forward with something like this in the not so distant (i.e. 6 months to a year or two) future but this just wasn't the right time or the right kiddo. Regardless, it's taught me that what I knew or thought I knew for our future family isn't what will necessarily be. I assumed we would have our own children and then adopt one day. That plan changed to adoption and then IVF for bio kids. Now I could see adopting a brood and being perfectly content. Who knows what God has in store, but it's exciting to see it unfold.

insane.

2009-06-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

Tell me why Heath and I are seriously contemplating taking home a 2 1/2 year old boy from the hospital that needs placement. Rights will likely be terminated as DHS is already recommending termination. Are we out of our honkey tonk minds?

My mom's opinion (which I highly value): This isn't what we planned and we should probably space them out as if we were actually having children ourselves.

My response: Having J has completely opened us up to the idea of forming our family in a way we'd never imagined. We want to be parents - we don't care what shape, form or color that comes in. We have boat loads of love to give and this child needs it. Sounds pretty simple.

For the record, I do know that it's a crazy, hair brained idea. But, I can't stop thinking about how it would work.

Thoughts? Opinions? Give it to me straight, I can take it.

J says "Girl, you craaaaazy!"

fired up.

2009-06-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

*accidentally hit post before I was ready....I get fired up and my fingers have a mind of their own!*

I am totally going to use this blog to vent. If I don't get this out here, I'll end up emailing it and getting myself into trouble!

I got an email forwarded to me from J's case worker that was sent to her by J's mom's worker. She said that we could do every other week visitation for now, but that it is important for us to realize that the goal is to reunify J with his mom and that it is ...get this... his right to see his mother. Which, in my opinion, implies that I was trying to withhold this right from him by suggesting less often visits.

Hold up.

Seriously? I am a pediatrician and pride myself on being child advocate and I'm pretty sure that this child's rights were violated a loooooong time ago. Don't even get me started on his rights. He had the right to be drug free while in utero. He has the right to be loved and cared for and have his best interest at mind. Just because he can't speak doesn't mean that we should assume his best interests are the same as his mother's (I use that term loosely).

Is this woman kidding herself? I know that she's just doing what she's been told by DHS but I cannot believe that an educated person would really believe that being 'reunited' with the birth family is always the best. DHS needs to change it's goal from reunification with the birth family to placing a child in a permanent, loving, SAFE home regardless of who that home is with.

Besides, what kind of message are we sending by putting so much weight on blood relatives? Yes, I'm sure there are plenty cases where just the trauma of being taken from your parents can be tremendous. But, the risks and benefits have to be weighed. The cookie cutter solution is not teaching these parents how to follow the rules long enough to get their kids back.

Whose best interest are we really putting first here? Who does it benefit at this point to have weekly visits? Who is going to advocate for J if Heath and I don't? But, if we stand up for what we think is best for him, we will be accused of having our own interests in mind because we've gotten more attached than we should.

I know it's waaaaay too early in the ball game to be this upset, but this email struck a cord with me. J's mom hasn't done much, good or bad, for me to expect DHS to want anything but reunification - but the culture of placing kids back into less than ideal homes just because they're blood relatives has got to change.

I was talking to my attending today who had a foster son for about 5 months before he was sent back to live with his birth mom in a rehab facility. I can't believe that DHS would take a child out of a stable environment to live at rehab with his birth mother. Is being with his birth mother so important that a child needs to move before she has really proven to have her life straight? Of course she's drug free - she's basically a caged animal who has been temporarily taken out of her poisonous environment! Put her back on the street and give her some time before putting that child back in her arms.

I don't think we can just expect failure either, but give these parents more time to show their colors before uprooting a child again and causing more irreversible damage.

Another friend's dad is a pediatrician who almost got arrested for contempt of court. While going to testify on a case he told the judge "I know you'll do what you're going to regardless, but my opinion is that if you place this child back with this family - the next time I see him, he'll be dead". Unfortunately, it was true. This is obviously the extreme, but it but it happens!

I just feel so powerless. I know that all we can do is pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. We have to pray that J's judge makes the right decisions and that God opens his eyes to what is best for J and only J. We have to pray that J's mom will do what is best for J. We have to pray for a peace about whatever may happen to him.

Sorry for this post - I'm sure it's all over the place and hard to follow. Writing in stream of conciousness is all I can get out right now because the thoughts are flowing so quickly. I really already feel better. I vented to 3 or 4 friends on the phone before even typing this because I wanted to choose my words wisely.

I feel better now.

4 weeks.

2009-05-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

Our little man is 4 weeks old today! I can't believe he's been with us for a little over 3 weeks. Time flies. I've enjoyed my two weeks of playing SAHM a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still ready for a break and don't plan to ever staying home full time, but I'm NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have to be there at 6 a.m. and poor Heath is not looking forward to waking up early to take J to the babysitter's.

We had a busy two weeks. J and I had a lunch date every day, one day we had two lunch dates! Every night Heath, J and I had plans to meet someone for dinner. I co-hosted a baby shower with the fabulous Rachel and a few other girls, worked in the garden, got the house cleaned up (finally), spent some time with my BFF and her little girl, went to the zoo, visited my parents, got my hair done (almost back to blonde) and got in a little too much shopping.

As far as the situation with J and his mom, we haven't heard much. J had his second visit with his birth mom last week. The visit was scheduled from 2:30-3:30. She showed up twenty minutes late. At 3:15, she said "Ok, I'm done". So, she spent 25 minutes out of the one hour she was given. I took it as a sign that she was losing steam already. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with this little guy. She sees him once a week at the most and she didn't even want to use an hour. Unbelieveable. On Tuesday we found out that J's case had been assigned to the Judge that we'd been praying for - he apparently is the judge known for giving birth mom's the least amount of chances - which was such a blessing! We also found out on Tuesday that mom had already called the CW twice to find out about the next visit. I did some emailing and found out that visits will be planned for every other Friday until mom can make some progress. Later in the week I got an email from J's mom's worker asking if I'd be willing to do weekly visits. Feeling protective and a little irritated that she's even asking considering the lack of interest his mom has shown so far - I said no. I told her that I felt that every other week was sufficient until his mom valued the time she was given. Now, I feel that maybe I was overstepping a bit, but I haven't heard back. Our worker said she agreed with me, but we'll see what his says.

This is a pretty boring post and way too much has been going on to even try to catch up.

We're still loving our little guy more each day. It's so fun to watch him grow and change. He weighed in at a whopping 6.9lbs at his 3 week visit so this week he's finally starting to fit some of his newborn clothes. We just feel so blessed. Beka and I talked a long time about everything last night and it's really amazing to look back on the journey that God has taken us on. I've already learned so much, with the most being in the last three weeks. As scared as I am to think about where this will go, I am so excited and cannot help but thank God every minute for this beautiful little boy.

Hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll try to post more this week.

busy.

2009-05-18T16:10:00.001-07:00

I've tried to start this post three times. But, *something* keeps diverting my attention. (I wrote that on Monday....It is now Tuesday)

Little man is finally sleeping so I thought I'd hop on here for a quick post.

Things are amazing. Today is my second day of being a SAHM which I quickly decided is NOT.FOR.ME! I'm glad that I'm able to take these two weeks off to spend with J, but it's hard work!

J has another visit with his birth mom tomorrow after her first court hearing. I'm hoping to know a little bit more about her treatment plan and visitation schedule after tomorrow.

We've been doing a much better job of taking it one day at a time and loving J for the blessing he is now. I'll post some of the wisdom I've received from friends and family some other time but it has been tremendously helpful during all of this.

So....since I'm short on time and too tired to write a coherent post - how about some pictures?

First time feeding his "buddy" (that's what he calls J)

J and MiMi (or Lolly). We haven't quite decided on a name for her yet.

Megan and Paige. Megan and I started 'trying' around the same time 2 1/2 years ago and now we have babies 10 days apart!

J's first walk around the neighborhood. Please excuse me - I always look like a greased pig when I get off work.

First time to get his hair washed. I love this pic - he looks like a little man at the barber shop.

J after his first bath. Look at that face! So funny!

First time in his whale tub.

The nursery from the doorway.

From the rocking chair - where I spend many hours at night. This room still needs A LOT of work. I have nothing on the walls.
Oh, and that yellow dresser is an old 50's style dresser we found at an antique store. Don't have a before pic but it was gnarly. It's not the cutest thing - but it was $50 and works.

The cute little Ikea quilt I found.

J's first play date with Miss Paige today.

All right - that's all I got, folks. We're having friends over for dinner tonight so I have to run!

visitation.

2009-05-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Back from the visit. Compared to how the rest of the day went, the visit itself wasn't all that painful.

I was running late. I was rushing to get out of the hospital by noon and I got to the parking lot to find that my car was dead. I hadn't left any lights on, but it was dead.dead.dead.
A friend jumped my car and Heath came to trade me cars to ensure that I didn't make it home only to have a dead battery again.

Then, I was stuck in traffic. There was a fatal wreck on the highway that turned my 25 minute drive home into an hour.

If you know me, you know that I DESPISE being late. I get super stressed out if I think I won't be somewhere 5 minutes early. So, I was stressed to the max sitting still in traffic.

Turns out, that I think it all happened for a reason (duh.). My mindset changed sitting in that traffic from dreading our visit to making it my goal to make it there in time. It's silly, but I was so worried about making it there, I wasn't worried about seeing J's mom or how I'd react to her and J together.

As far as the visit...here is the email I sent to Beth at A'sH when she asked how it went:

"It actually wasn't bad. His mom is already asking about family planning meetings and was going today for a job interview. We're just having a hard time with all of this. I really feel like this is what we're supposed to be doing, but Satan is really working on us. We have let ourselves fall in love with this little guy and I'm not sure how we'll handle it if mom gets him back. It's difficult to know how to pray about it, other than just that we'll be at peace regardless and that J ends up where he will be the safest/happiest/most loved. Otherwise, I feel like we're wishing her to fail so that we can keep her son. Heath texted me today and said "If he gets taken away, I don't know if I can do this. It will hurt too bad". Break.my.heart. Not exactly what I needed to hear minutes before walking in to meet J's mom. Who knows where God will lead us, but it's difficult to imagine putting ourselves into this situation too many times.

So, we're just emotional about all of it right now. I'm trying to relish in the time we have with J without focusing on that 'what ifs'. I need constant reminder that this isn't about US. It's about J. And we're here soley to love him and care for him when he needs it - whether that be for now or forever. But, our hearts our involved and I question that we're in over our heads.

Being post-call and exhausted doesn't help the situation - makes me a little emotionally fragile. I know we'll be fine. We just have to pray that God will change our mindset about our purpose in doing this. So, pray with us that we'll be at peace and be able to enjoy J for whatever time he is with us. The meeting today made me realize that mom is going to work a lot harder to get him back than I had imagined. I think I underestimated her. Although, she is an addict and I'm sure things will change day to day.

Thanks for asking about today. It's crazy how I thought things would be simple and easy once we had a baby in our home - but now is the time that God will really start working on our hearts. "

::EDIT:: You girls are so awesome. Seriously. Words cannot express the encouragement I've gained from your comments. Thank you.

And, I'm feeling better already - I got an extremely encouraging email from Beth at A'sH, and a phone call that have brought me to my senses. I will not let Satan have the satisfaction of stealing our joy. On that note...I have a little guy to go love on :)

weekend recap.

2009-05-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

Things are busy. No cute pics in this post. I'm stuck in the PICU on call again. Obviously the last place I want to be right now.

So, how is life with J?

Words cannot describe. I wasn't kidding when I said we were head over heels for the little man already. I'll post more on that later.

Let's recap, shall we? (Note: this may be a tad boring...it's more for my memory than anything. Bear with me.)

Friday: Took J home after a long night in the PICU. While I normally go home and sleep 6-8 hours after a call - that wasn't an option. Luckily the excitement had given me a natural energy boost so I was high on life for the day. J promptly filled his diaper with some nastiness upon arrival to his new home. I changed him on the kitchen floor. Weird, but for some reason that seemed like a reasonable place to do it. The day went well. He slept mostly. I complained a little that he was kind of boring and I wished I could take him to the zoo or for a walk. Apparently you don't do that with 5 day old babes. My mom (who was a life.saver over the weekend) was at the house to help out withing an hour of us getting home. Then, Heath came home and sat on the couch with him in his arms for about 6 hours. No lie.

The night was long. Long, long long. I ended up with about 5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. I felt and looked post-partum (but I still fit into my pre-baby jeans, yay! ;) ) Mom, Heath and I did shifts and I think J was up most of the night. At one point I was so tired I could barely stand and I thrust him onto my sleeping mother saying "I don't know what else to do with him!!!!" in a shrill, hysterical voice.

Saturday: My dad couldn't stay away after all the gushing about how sweet and cuddly J was, so he came up to join us. Against my better judgement (I am a pediatrician ya know...) we took J out to BRU and then to a Mexican restaraunt for lunch. The little guy didn't make a peep. And, he luckily didn't catch the bird flu either!

Saturday night was much smoother. J actually slept for an extended period of time and was a little easier to put down in his crib.

Sunday (my first Mother's Day!!!): The Corbin clan (I call them this because there are a TON of them! 8 kiddos, 2 on the way, and 8 adults) all came to visit. I am so blessed that they have been so supportive and are so happy for us. We just took it easy (as easy as you can with 8 kids running amuck) and ordered pizza. They left around 4 and Heath and I spent the rest of the evening staring at, kissing on and cuddling J. I'm not kidding - I'm pretty sure we avoided even getting up to pee because it would mean putting him down.

Unfortunately, I had to get up bright and early to head back to work Monday morning. My amazing husband took the 9pm - 4am shift, which means the poor man got no sleep, while I got my beauty rest. I woke up at 4, fed and changed J and got ready for work.

So, Heath has gotten to play Mr. Mom for the last two days. A job that he quickly found out is not one he wants to ever take on full time - even though he's a natural at it.

Today was J's newborn visit. He's weighing in at a whopping 6.1kg (OOPS, I mean lbs. We use the crazy metric system around here..), which isn't quite back up to birth weight. He'll be headed back to clinic next week for a weight check.

In other news, I decided to take some time off work. I originally wasn't going to. My reasoning being that since this is a fostering situation, I can't really expect to take time off each time we foster. But, things have been hectic with my parents trying to take time off to help. So, after Sunday, I'll be off until June 1st. It's not long, but I'm so glad I'll get to spend 2 whole weeks at home with little man. Then my friend Sarah will be watching him for 2 weeks until he goes to day care.

I've been amazed at how quickly our families have accepted J as their own. My parents were apprehensive (mainly concerned that Heath and I would get hurt through this process) but little man has them wrapped around his long, skinny fingers as well. Heath's sister was almost in tears several times this weekend because she's so happy for us and is already picturing J growing up with the other kiddos. So, all in all - amazing weekend. Probably the best ever. God is good and I cannot believe we've been choosen to love and care for this peanut. Regardless of it all - I'm loving it.

That's about it. I've got other stuff to post about - i.e. how I'm emotionally dealing with all of this, meeting J's mom tomorrow for the first time, and how Satan is really trying to convince me I'm not cut out for this, etc. But, we'll save that for tomorrow. For now, I'm off to bed since sleeping post call is a thing of the past...

blessed.

2009-05-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

This is what I came home to after running errands yesterday.

Seriously, does it get any better?

I can't believe I have a baby in my arms on Mother's day. My heart is so full.

Heath and I are irrevocably (recognize that word, Twilight fans?) in love. I cannot even bear to think that this little guy won't be with us forever and ever. It makes my heart hurt to imagine giving him back. Once again - please pray. It may be months before we find anything out, but we know that we would be devastated if he left us.

Blah.

Needless to say, we've been a bit busy lately. I promise to update on how things are going as soon as I can tear myself away from my little peanut long enough.

Edit:: Happy Mother's Day to all you ladies out there. And, to those of you who are having a hard time today because you're still waiting for God to bless you with a little one - be patient. God is good and He wants to grant you your desires in HIS timing. Trust me, it's worth the wait!

headed home

2009-05-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

Headed home with J yesterday at 1:00pm after being at the hospital 31 hours. New mommy glow or post-call grime? You decide.

melt my heart.

2009-05-08T18:07:00.001-07:00

Meeting for the first time.

Heath fell in love the second he saw him and I fell in love with my husband all over again.

I knew he'd be an amazing dad, but watching him with J today has made me warm and squishy inside.

I love my boys.

no words...

2009-05-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

I just recieved an email that said we were approved and J should be placed with us today!!!

I have no words. I'm so excited and nervous! I'll have a baby on Mother's Day!

Thanks so much and I'll keep you updated! I'm hoping to take him home with me when I leave the hospital at noon today!

Praise God!

not yet.

2009-05-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

Still haven't heard anything.

It's 1:12 a.m., I'm on call in the PICU and I think I made a big mistake tonight.

I went and visited the little guy ("J"). I held him for about an hour. Fed him (he's a big eater). Stared at his precious little face (he has the most perfect little lips). And imagined taking him home with me in the morning (I even stuck the car seat in my car this morning before leaving for work).

I'm hooked. I don't know what I'll do if we don't get to take this little guy home. It's so far from anything we've ever done, that I can't quite imagine it really happening - but, at the same time, I can't imagine not getting him either.

Heath and I spend the day making phone calls and sending emails with no reply to either. I have no idea if our case workers have even spoken to each other. I have no clue if J already has a placement in the works. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it.

I mean, how hard can it be? We're certified foster parents, he needs a home - sounds pretty simple. I just hate that he's just sitting in the nursery when he could be at home in Heath's arms right now.

I emailed Beth from A'sH and she is trying to move things along or at least get some information for us. She said we probably shouldn't expect anything to happen Friday.

It just blows my mind how horrible DHS is at communication. Why couldn't we have received a quick phone call or email today telling us the status. They have no idea what it's like to be waiting on this end, obviously. Our entire lives could change at any moment and they don't even feel the need to call and say "It might take a day or two, but we're working on that placement" or even "Looks like another foster family has already been found".

Ugh. That's really all for now. Just needed to vent. Hopefully the next post will be a little more positive.

I'm off to see my new admit - suicidal adolescent...joy!

take a second...

2009-05-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

and say a prayer please!

We have a possible placement in the works.

The little guy is in the nursery at the hospital and needs a home.

We are waiting for our foster care worker and his to make things happen.

No word yet, so I'm assuming we won't hear anything until tomorrow.

It's not a guarantee but I think there's a good chance this will work.

So, even though you guys have prayed a hundred prayers for us (and so many more than we deserve), do it again. Will ya? Thanks :)

And, as always, I'll keep you posted.

Oink, Oink!

2009-04-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

This swine flu craze is killing me! I worked in the ER last night and cannot count how many people came in just to be checked. It didn't help that a few of my attending docs were in on the pandemonium.

I don't get it. It's just the flu, people! Am I missing something? As far as I know, the people who have lost their lives* are people who were in a fragile medical state and would have likely had a poor outcome if they had gotten the regular flu. So, that means most of us, including you - reader out there, are not at risk of having a serious illness with this flu.

I'm just not buying it. Maybe I'll eat my words when I'm quarantined in my bed - but for now, I think I'll see if I can take advantage of cheap flights to Mexico** ;)

*By no means am I saying that the lives lost aren't tragic - they are!
**I do not endorse any non-urgent traveling to Mexico.

strike one.

2009-04-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

We got our first call today. We said no. It's hard to even type that. I can't believe we said no to taking a baby. I feel a little guilty.

2 1/2 weeks old Native American boy with some minor health issues.

My knee jerk reaction was to say yes, leave work right away and bring the little guy home with me. There were reasons to hesitate, but I figured we could work all that out later. I instantly imagined waking up in the middle of the night for feedings, rushing to get the right size of diapers on the way home, snuggling with a little one on my chest while I watch 90210 tonight ;) But, this is a child! Not a top from Target that I can return tomorrow if it doesn't fit quite right. Unfortunately we had to think quick. We knew that every minute it took us to make a decision, another family could have been found for him.

Heath and I tried to weigh the pros and cons through G chat while I left intermittently to see patients and he got phone calls from the case worker. In the end, we decided that this wasn't a good fit for us. For a few reasons. We were told in our parenting classes to avoid Native American babies if our intent was to adopt. Often times, families will foster a child for years just to have the tribe take the baby from them when parental rights are terminated. Also, while we have a day care set up, we don't have a plan on what to do with a baby that is under 6 weeks and can't go to day care. While I would love to take some "maternity leave" , I a) can't give them 12 hours notice that I'll be off for 4 weeks and b) can't take off for a month each time we get a placement.

I can't help but feel a little selfish. I mean, if we're going to be so choosy about which baby we take, who are we trying to benefit here? And, I know that becoming foster parents is mostly selfish on our part. We're doing it because we want a baby. Being a loving family to a baby who needs one is just a perk to the job. But, I also know that we have to be patient and wait for the baby that is right for us. We could be picking up our forever baby next time we get a phone call. And, while fostering is a "trial period", I don't want to be so nonchalant about it that picking up and dropping off babies becomes as common as the laundry.

So, while we had some excitement today, and we feel like we're getting closer and closer every day - today, we wait.

2009-04-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

My week off so far.

We went to Lawton to visit my parents. My sister who I miss dearly was in town for the weekend. We drove out to the Witchita Mts, saw some Buffali (I think that should be the plural for buffalo) and then explored Medicine Park a bit. Here are some pics.

Not sure why the lizard got so much love, but we couldn't wait to take our pics with him. I want one for my own backyard. And how adorable is that little house? There were tons of these cute little cottages built up the side of the mountain. I'll take one, please.

I headed back to Lawton on Monday to spend the day with Mom and Sis. We went antiquing and enjoyed some girlie time.

This evening I headed to the OKC Festival of Arts with my friend Natalie. We ate waaaaay too much food (upside-down pizza and cheesecake on a stick are my faves) and walked through the Myriad Gardens. I tried to be a fancy photographer and try out the Macro setting on my new point and shoot. Not too bad for a beginner.

Keeping myself busy hasn't kept my mind totally off baby stuff. But it has helped. We signed our contract with DHS yesterday and now we are officially waiting! Yay! We were told we could get a call as soon as Friday. We were also warned that we would be offered kids who were not in our requested age range (0-3months) and not to be afraid to say no. So, we're expecting to get a few offers before we bite.

I leave tomorrow for Dallas to see some of my favorite people in the world. The plan is to stay until Sunday for Miss Gracie's first birthday, but if I get a call for a baby, I'm hightailin' it back home and won't be too bummed about it.

still waiting.

2009-04-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

Is anyone still with me? This blog totally sucks. Where the heck have I been?

Unfortunately I haven't been blogging because there really isn't much to blog about. I get asked "when are you going to get a baby?" so much in real life that I can't bear to come home and type about it.

We're waiting. Story of our life. It's become a common theme around here. And what's worse is that we're not even officially waiting yet. DHS still doesn't have our home study. I got called about two weeks ago that the reader (who 'reads' the contract after it's complete) needed a new copy of my driver's license. I faxed it right away. I find out the following Tuesday that she still hadn't mailed off the contract to DHS. Fast forward to today, and our social worker has been out of the office all week. Last she checked (one week ago) she still didn't have our home study on her desk. I have no idea if it's lost in the mail of if it's sitting there waiting on her to return on Monday. If it is...then we'll be waiting.

It's frustrating, to say the least. We rushed around for weeks trying to get the homestudy complete - all the i's dotted and t's crossed. Just for it to sit on a desk for a week. A week that we could have had a placement! Beth at A'sH keeps telling me to be patient, that God has the perfect little one just for us. But I'm sick of being patient! It's hard to be patient when you feel like you're sooooo close!

Plus, I took a week of vacation this coming week. I can't tell you how many times I imagined being home all next week with a baby. It's going to be hard when the end of next week comes and goes and no baby! I'm still hoping that doesn't happen.

But, to keep my mind off the waiting, I have a jam-packed week ahead!
...my sister is in town from San Antonio for the weekend. So, lots of sisterly bonding time ahead!
...dinner and drinks at McNellie's with some amazing friends that are in town from North Carolina
...Heading to D-town for my sweet Gracie Ann's one year birthday. Has it really been a year already??
...Spending some time with Miss Emily while down in Dallas. Celebrating her last finals ever at the Glass Cactus!
...And, lucky me - it's employee appreciation for Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. My sister just so happens to be a manager at UO, which means super sales for me and lots of shopping in Dallas!

retreat.

2009-04-11T10:08:00.001-07:00

My dear friend and fellow intern, Gina, posted a recap of our intern retreat on her blog. The videos are pretty humorous and thankfully she didn't post any pictures from late in the evening. check it out. Yes, that is me stumbling around in the canoe.

No word on a baby. Still waiting.

giraffe.

2009-03-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

My latest purchase:

by OiOi

I love it! Isn't it such a cute diaper bag? I think I want a baby now just so I can carry this adorable thing around!

Papers are in. Home study complete. Contract signed. Now, we wait.

waiting.

2009-03-27T17:51:00.001-07:00

Just for you, Rachel. :)

I've been a bad blogger lately. No excuses.

We signed our contract on Wednesday. Now we wait. I'm used to waiting. So, I think I can manage that. DHS hasn't received our packet yet. They should have it early next week and hopefully they have a little one just for us!

Also, please be in prayer for us and a birth mom who now has my phone number. My friend, Misty, is a family medicine resident. She called me today to say that one of her clinic patients is 13 weeks pregnant. Misty spent an hour and a half today discussing options other than abortion with this mom. She was originally considering abortion, but thankfully has not gone through with it. She's unsure if she'll be able to carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up, but also knows that she doesn't want this baby. She has about two weeks to make a decision and please be in prayer that she does not choose to go through with this abortion. Regardless of her final decision, and if it involves us, I want her to maintain this pregnancy and choose life. I really haven't given it too much thought - we've definitely been down this road before. But, I also know that God is bringing these people into our lives repeatedly for a reason. Three (and a half) independent adoption opportunities so far - one day, one of them is going to go through.

In other news, I spent the evening last night in a cabin with my intern class. We all got Thursday and Friday off of work so we could spend the evening bonding. We had a blast! I'm exhausted and have been completely worthless today. I'll have to post some pics whenever they start to pop up on Facebook - and a hilarious video. It was 24 hours of canoeing, paddle boats, hooka, tons of food, hiking, ~~drinking~~ games and LOTS of laughing.

Plans for Saturday...
cuddle my husband and work on the nursery. It currently looks like this:
Which is a HUGE improvement if you remember what it did look like.

Posting that picture reminded me that I hadn't blogged about our shower. It was amazing! We are so very, very blessed to have so many friends and family who are understanding and supportive of our unique situation. I could cry just thinking about how much I love these people in our life. We are more than prepared for a little bundle to join us any day. That crib is crammed full of things. The night of the shower, I just sat on the floor. Folding tiny onesies and wash cloths and trying to really let it sink in that this is happening. Do I really have a nursery? And a crib? And (amazing) stoller? Insanity. I love it.

p.s.

2009-03-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

In response to a comment below.

No, I did not get the dresser. We went back to Rink last weekend and everything I had taken pics of was gone! I didn't realize they had such high turn over! I realized that the dresser probably would have been too short to use as a changing table anyway. I'm on the look out for something else and it will be even more fabulous than that perfect, beautiful yellow one. Tear...

The crib bedding is from Carousel Bedding. I just ordered a plain white bumper and crib skirt. I think it looks good and it will be versatile.

Ok, back to work. Sick babies need me.

white out.

2009-03-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

My bedding just arrived :) I'm sure my sister appreciates that I decided to buy all white bedding rather than have her make it. I figured that after purchasing quality white fabric, mailing it to her, having her buy the rest of the supplies, labor and mailing it back - it was worth the money to buy. Not to mention, she didn't know what a bumper was - which made me nervous for the final product!

We put the crib together Wednesday night and I'll try to get the room cleaned out enough for a picture. I work all day Saturday and Sunday so I'm not expecting to get much done. But, trust me, it's nothing to see. Hopefully Sarah will have the curtains done soon (hint, hint, Sister!).

Have a fabulous weekend!

tired.

2009-03-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

I really should update more often. It would save me some trouble. I'll try to do better.

So, after the post before last, I found out that we would, in fact, be ready to take a little one once we signed our contract. We don't even have to finish our DHS classes!

The only thing that could get in the way is our fingerprints.

Wouldn't you know that I found out a few days later...that would be yesterday - that my fingerprints got rejected. Not because I'm a wanted criminal, but because I have sweaty little fingers (gross, I know) that won't pick up ink very well.

After emailing our case worker and Beth (A'sH) a few times, I find out that fingerprints usually get rejected three or more times before the Bureau of Investigation (OSBI) approves them. This seems to be the huge rate-limiting step in the whole process. I decided to give OSBI a call this morning and they inform me that they won't do my fingerprints themselves until they've been rejected at least two times. That would mean I'd have to wait another month just to find out if repeat prints were rejected before being able to have them done at OSBI.

In comes Heath to save the day! Thank goodness for my husband being a pain in the butt (not mine) sometimes! He spent all day yesterday emailing our State Representatives and Senators about how awful this process is and giving suggestions about streamlining. Some of the fancy pants political guys actually emailed back. So, Heath called OSBI today after I did and threw around the name of one of his new BFF senators and all of a sudden it's okay for me to come in and get my prints done right away!

So, get my prints done I did! And they got approved by OSBI. Now we just have to wait for the FBI to approve them. And, since I got that tiny incident involving a reindeer, a loaded gun and a six pack expunged from my record - I should be good to go! (p.s. that was a joke).

In the last week we've gone from baby in June, to baby at the end of the month, to baby in who knows when, and then back to baby at the end of the month-ish. It's exhausting!

So, second home study tonight. Just to go over our questionnaire and then our contract should be ready to sign in a week or so! Our crib came in today. I'm exhausted from working so much and taking these painfully long and boring classes. And, now I must go cook dinner and make myself presentable.

End scene.

i love...

2009-03-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Your desire to always learn, I could use some of that
You are determined to do things yourself, where as I would just pay someone
Although I'm stubborn and not very willing, you make me open my eyes to things that I had decided long ago didn't belong in my life.
You are a pretty good driver. Sometimes. There, I said it.
You lose 15 lbs after running twice. Nevermind, that's something I dis-like about you!
All of my girlfriends are always asking about my hot husband. :)
You make me laugh. And you laugh at me. We're silly, and I love it.
You want to be a parent as much as I do. And you're okay with us doing it in a non-conventional way. I know that I'm so lucky to have found someone who is open to the idea of loving a child who isn't biologically theirs.
You are going to be an amazing father. I get giddy just thinking about watching you with a baby. I know I will see you in a whole new way and I can't wait.

I love you.

Happy three years, minus three days anniversary.

easy peasy.

2009-03-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

30 minutes. That's how long the contractor was here. She was young, cute and totally someone I'd want to be friends with. She handed us about 2,364 questions to fill out (rather than spending hours asking us and then typing our response) and said that she'd probably have our contract ready to sign in 3 weeks or so!

Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm pretty sure we were told that once our classes were complete (March 30th) and our contract was signed we could have a placement at any time. Seriously???

I'll be emailing Beth at A'sH tomorrow to clarify before I start dancing around my living room - I'll let you know the verdict.

So, the big question that everyone keeps asking is "how the heck are you going to deal with giving a baby back after loving on it for x amount of time?"

I HAVE NO IDEA! All I know is that I feel, with 100% certainty, that this is what we're supposed to be doing right now. I am scared to death to think of having to give a baby back. Tears are sneaking up on me just typing about it. I don't know why God has chosen us to do this. It certainly isn't how I ever imagined I would build a family. But, I have faith that, if this is what God has had planned for us all along, He will give us the tools to deal. It's scary, and I hope that we don't have to say goodbye to many little ones before we find our forever baby, but I know its a possibility.

As scared as I am - I am giddy with excitement about what this means for us. I talked to my friend Kisha today. She said that just reading my last post, she could see the smile on my face. And, she's right. I feel so at peace, so full - and it's amazing! I really am happy. And, now that I think about it, it's been awhile.

That's all for now. I've got a questionnaire to knock out.

p.s. I'm totally going back to Rink to pick up that yellow dresser this weekend. It better be there - it's meant to be :)

wow.

2009-03-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile, huh?

Where to start?

1. I'm in the NICU this month. Working 6a.m. to 4p.m. six days a week. Suck. But, this is my one and only month without call all year - which just happens to work out perfectly because...

2. We have started taking our DHS parenting classes. Our first class was last night. We'll be going Monday and Thursday from 6p - 9p. Which means on Mondays and Thursdays, I wake up at 4:30 and won't get home until almost 10. Kill me now.

3. I picked out fabric for the curtains. My lovely sister will be sewing them (quickly, I hope) and then making the crib bedding. I decided to go with this for the curtains:

It's a little more 'tangerine' in person.

I think it will look good with browns and neutrals. And I'll do all white bedding so that I can change it up a bit. I have some cute prints for the walls (like the months from this cute little calendar from Orange Beautiful) and ideas. We'll see how it comes together. I have tons to do, but...

4. I did buy a crib today! Eek! My first real baby purchase. I didn't go all out. Just a dark, cherry Jenny Lind crib. It's simple. I like it. It will be here in a week or so. A million other things to buy but...

5. My lovely friends at work are throwing me a baby shower! I was dead set against not having a shower, but they were pretty adament. And, once I gave it some thought, I realized that we do need a lot - and would totally appreciate some help. I'm still not sold on the idea of registering, but we'll see.

6. My fabulous, handsome husband sent me some beautiful flowers to work today. I think I'll keep him.

7. I'm lusting over a dresser we saw at The Rink - the most amazing antique store everrrr.

How amazing would that look in the nursery? Must.have. And only $169!

This one is also pretty fab. I'm a major fan of the robin's egg blue, but love the lines of the yellow one.

And, since I love the color. I think I need this lamp for our office too.

8. I kind of lied to you earlier when I implied that I hadn't bought anything baby-related yet. I'm a big fan of Etsy, so I had to support my peeps and purchase a few things...

Like this cute wipe case.

And this cute, applique onesie.

Okay, I think that's enough catching up for now. I need to go clean the house because...

oh, I forgot to mention - OUR FIRST HOME STUDY IS TOMORROW!

We're crazy nervous, but so excited that things are moving along!

I'll post more soon. I have tons of emotions about all of this happening and want to post about it when I have the time.

Is this really happening?

happy

2009-02-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day

My brother and sister-in-law just left. We had a blast hanging out with the family and some friends last night.

No big plans for today - just spending a relaxing weekend with my main squeeze.

We'll be working on the 'nursery' and putting the crib together. Then it's off to find fabric for the bedding. My sister will be making it for us - she's so fab.

Whether you go out for a night on the town, stay in and snuggle, or watch a good movie alone - I hope you have a lovely day.

::k spade::

obsessed.

2009-02-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

I've done it again. I've found something new to spend all my time obsessing over - searching for and saving pictures, buying scraps of paper and fabric.

The nursery.

It all started last night on Rate My Space. I was just looking for some cute gender neutral nursery ideas. Now I can't stop.

Of course, we still haven't made a dent in that room I showed you below, but I have grand plans for it when we do! Here are a few ideas. (most from Rate My Space, but I didn't record who they belonged to).

::Cute and colorful::

I love the Martha Stewart paper flowers. I love the crazy patterned curtains. I really love that over-sized chair -- I'll add that to my wish list.

I like the colors in the pic, but I also thought something like this would be cute::

stolen from a scrapbook page here.

I think the shades of turqoise and lime green are adorable - and could definitely work for a boy or a girl.

::blue/brown paisley::

Those curtains are fabulous. Although I'm kind of over the blue/brown thing, I think this look could work for a boy or girl too - add some frilly pink for a girl or keep it butch (butch paisley? is that possible?) for a boy.

What do you think? Am I off to a good start or off base completely? Do you have any cute gender neutral ideas?

My brother & sister-in-law are coming up this weekend and brining their crib! I'm so excited to set it up and start working on the room. Maybe having a piece of furniture to add to the room will help motivate us to clean it out...or not.

::EDIT::
I just realized I never posted about our visit on Monday. It went really well. Very quick, much quicker than I expected. I found out early Monday from Beth at A'sH that I needed to baby proof the house. So, I left work early and rushed to Walmart to get outlet covers and cabinet locks. Turns out, I didn't really have to rush - we have plenty of time. But, now we have a nice start on it. The walk through was really brief. CW basically wanted to know where the baby would sleep (I showed her the disaster nursery! Eek!) and make sure we were clean and suitable. I think we passed :)

She's given us an estimated placement of May. I'm hoping we can push it up a few weeks because I'm off the last two weeks of April. We start taking our DHS classes on March 2nd. It works out perfectly that I get off at 4:00 every day in March and have no calls! So, we will take our classes from 6-9 every Monday and Thursday for the entire month!

I can't believe this is all happening! It hasn't sunk in that we will have a baby in our arms by this summer! How crazy is that? CW kept mentioning that we need to be prepared for several placements before we are able to adopt. It could be our 2nd baby and it could be our 7th that makes it's permanent home in the Corbin house. I'm not sure how we'll handle it if it turns out to be the second scenario - but I have faith that God will give us the tools we need to do it. I'm praying that our first match is 'the one', but we'll see!

Ok, this turned into a long update...that's all for now :)

Weekend.

2009-02-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

Plans

01. Off Friday - spent several hours at the SS administration office to get a new card.
02. Fingerprints at the jail...again.
03. Dinner with the husband at Iguana Mexican Grill - our new favorito place. I'm jonesin' for a Coral snake margarita.
04. On call on Saturday - 30 straight hours of catchin' babies.
05. Chili cook off Corbin style.
06. Cleaning frenzy on Sunday because......

We have a house visit! Our case worker (we have a case worker now, btw...makes it feel more legit) called yesterday to set up a visit. This isn't our official home study - just a walk through.

Guess I should start working on this:

That would be our future nursery. I don't think we could fit a baby in there right now if we wanted to.

looking up.

2009-01-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

Our meeting Thursday night went so well! First of all, if you didn't already, click on the link below and read about Anna's House. It is the most amazing organization! I am so glad that we've found it and are going to be a part of the wonderful work that they do.

I feel so at peace that this is exactly what we're supposed to be doing. Looking back, I feel like our journey has led us towards this. I had thrown around the idea of fostering, but always decided it wasn't for us. Turns out, God has slowly been opening our hearts to the idea all along.

Liz (the co-director of Anna's House) is such a wonderful Christian woman. Her and Greg prayed with us and really seem invested in making sure this works out for us. They prayed that we would have our 'forever baby' in our arms very soon. They are both very optimistic about us being able to adopt.

By going through Anna's House rather than directly through DHS, we have saved ourselves several months of stress and paperwork. AH focuses on streamlining the process for prospective families and being a liaison between us and DHS. Apparently the documents that we turned in on Thursday would have taken several months had we waited on DHS!

After turning in our stack of papers, we were handed another folder full of papers to fill out. It was actually fun sitting down with Heath and answering questions about our childhood, marriage and desire to parent. We'll be turning it in tomorrow and I guess that will officially make us PAPER PREGNANT!

I cannot believe that for the first time, I can say that without a doubt we will have a baby in our arms within the next 6 months or so. If we did IVF or adoption, I would not be able to say that with certainty. Of all the opportunities that have presented throughout this journey, I finally feel like we're moving forward. I'm not overly anxious or excited like I have been in the past, but I have a new kind of peace and comfort knowing that we're following that plan that was meant to be.

As far as a time line, it sounds like it may be a few months before we have a home study, but Liz is going to help us move things along (like our 27 hours of classes...ugh) and everything else so that we will have a baby in our arms sooner than later!

Thank you for your prayers, recently and over the last few years - I know that we still have a long journey ahead but there are times that I don' t know how I would have coped if I didn't have this blog to vent on and your support and prayer to help me power through.

Things are looking up... :)

34 hours.

2009-01-21T06:55:00.000-08:00

We're meeting with E from Anna's House tomorrow at 7:30! I'm so nervous! Eeeek!

i just can't do it.

2009-01-19T14:37:00.001-08:00

I can't blog. I just don't feel like it. I've been working my butt off - I racked in 93 hours the week of New Year's, but when I do have the time I just can't put fingers to keyboard (or pen to paper...get it?)

I have tons of things I want to post about. We had Heath's 30th birthday bash at the house last weekend and it was quite a success...except that the guest of honor ended up passed out around the toilet at 11:00 pm - I have pictures of that one!

We've been working on getting all our of our documents together to meet with a fostering agency. We've decided to go through an agency that specializes in infant and toddler foster care. We've yet to find out if there is a good chance of us fostering to adopt. Hopefully we'll have our documents and meet by the end of next week. I'm hoping to get the ball rolling before next month. I rotate through the newborn nursery in February and I am trying to prepare myself now for what I will see. I'm sure there will be tons of unwanted pregnancies, mom's with positive drug tests and young, unfit mothers....it will be a rough month. I just hope that we have something brewing that can keep me preoccupied.

So, that's it. I'm here. Just avoiding blogging for some reason. Maybe I'll post a picture post to update on what we've been doing.

Keep us in your prayers...I have no idea what kind of time frame to expect with fostering, but we're hoping something happens soon!

Happy Birthday, Bubbles!!

2009-01-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today my sweet, funny and good lookin' husband turns 30.

Happy Birthday, Bub! I love you more every day. I am looking forward to what this year holds for us. I wish I could give you your one true birthday wish, but I pray that it comes soon. You have been my rock and you have no idea how much all that you do means to me. I am so thankful that God chose me to be your wife. I love your sense of humor, your work ethic, your motivation to keep me on a budget (thank goodness!) and all the little things you do for me. Hope today is a good one. Let's hope the Sooners bring in a win for your bday!

Love you!

The Grinch and other random musings.

2008-12-26T12:21:00.001-08:00

[Brace yourself -- this could be lengthy]

As you may have noticed by my lack of yule-themed posts, I was a major Grinch this year. No tree, no cards and no Christmas cheer. [Merry belated Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, ect.] I can think of a variety of excuses: I worked through Thanksgiving so it never really felt like Christmas, the weather didn't suit the holiday-- but I think it all comes back to one reason. It's a central theme on this blog. I'm sure you can guess it.

The holidays are just reminder that another year has come and gone with out a baby - in my arms or in my belly. I can't help but think about how this could be our second Christmas with a baby if we'd gotten pregnant when we started 'trying'. I won't dwell too much on that -- same song, different verse. But, I have been thinking that it's about time that Heath and I are a little more pro-active for Baby Hunt 2009 [that's what I'll call it now ;) ]. It seems like all of these opportunities are just a few steps away...but we never take that next step to put things in motion. Between failed adoptions, IVF financing, the cost of agency adoptions -- it all seems out of our reach. So, rather than sit and wait for something to fall in our laps, I think it's time to take some action.

I want to go ahead and have a home study and become approved foster parents. I'm not sure where I think this will take us, but I just feel led to do it. I'm not quite sure where Heath stands on it. If you know us, you know that I usually make decision for 'us' and he's none the wiser. I mentioned it, but we've yet to have a serious conversation about it.

You might be wondering (but you probably aren't) what brought me to make this decision. I'm going to tell you whether you care of not. You're reading this, so I assume you care. I worked last Saturday in the ER. When I came in for my shift, there was a beautiful little girl - probably 2 months old - that was waiting for the police to take her to the shelter. Apparently her parents (I use that term loosely) had gotten drunk, started fighting, and she was stuck in the middle. The story was that dad dropped her and then fell on top of her, but the bruises told a different story. It broke my heart knowing that she would be spending the night in a shelter. I held her for about an hour. The nurses chipped in and bought her a nice warm long sleeved onsie from the gift shop to replace the thin, stained Halloween onsie she came in wearing. I literally begged the police officer to just let me take her. I'm a doctor. I'm clean. I'll love on her and take good care of her, I promise. It's better than the shelter. But, of course they had no choice but to take her.

I couldn't help but think how easy it could have been if we'd already had our home study done and were licensed to foster. Hold up - before you start thinking that I was delusional in thinking that I could whisk this baby away and keep her, it wasn't like that. I knew good and well that she would quickly go back to her parents. It wasn't about keeping her to be mine. It was about loving on her for 24 hours or longer so that she wouldn't have to spend the night in a shelter. So, for the first time - it wasn't about me, and a baby for Heath and I - it was just about being a temporary shelter and loving parent to this baby when she needed it. And, I wondered if I could do that for other babies. In the meantime. Until God has a baby for us for keeps. I feel like I'm in a profession where I will, obviously, come across this a lot.

And, of course, I know it could be a difficult situation for someone who wants a baby as badly as we do. It could be a string of heartache as we grow attached and each baby is taken from us to be given back to a parent who surely couldn't love her like we do. But, when I was holding that little girl, it didn't feel like I wanted her to keep. I just wanted to protect her.

Not real sure how that will turn out. It seems to be a trend where if I blog about something, it never comes true. Maybe I should worry about that. But, either way, I'll keep you posted.

tagged.

2008-12-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

Megan tagged me in a fun little picture game.

The rules:

1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer

2) Select the 4th picture in the folder

3) Explain the picture4) Tag 4 people to do the same

NO CHEATING!(cropping, editing, etc!)

This is me and my sweet sister and MOH, Sarah at my Bachelorette party. Two days from my wedding and I was out on the town having a blast with the most amazing group of girls. I was so blessed to have about 17 girls show up to help celebrate with me. We had so much fun, maybe too much fun - but that's what it's all about, right?

I tag: Beka, Courtney, Leah and Julia.

2008-12-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was not a good day. I was in the ER again from 1a - 1p, and found myself driving home at 1:45 a.m. crying my eyes out.

My sister texted me around 11pm to let me know that Elijah had passed away. Pleases, please, please say a prayer for Aaron and Katie, his parents. I cannot imagine the pain and loss that they are experiencing right now. And, just 9 days from Christmas? Every Christmas for the rest of their lives they will be reminded that they lost their sweet, newborn baby boy during the holidays. Pray that God will wrap them up in His arms and just hold them tight. There are no words to say to make them feel better, but I pray that they can lean on Him through this loss. I pray that God strengthens their new marriage and that they can find peace that their baby is with Him now.

Then, a baby was brought in by EMSA. The story was that dad found him choking on formula and then the baby basically stopped breathing. He was down for far too long and EMSA worked on him a long time to bring him back. When he got to the ER, he was just a shell of a baby. No life in his eyes. His chest only moving due to the ventilator pumping air into him. The story didn't match up. But, regardless of the reason, this baby will not make it.

Sorry for the downer of a post. But, while we're all celebrating with our families this coming week, just say a little prayer or send some warm thoughts for these families who are struggling to just get out of bed and go on with life.

one more thing.

2008-12-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

Please take a second today (and every day) to say a prayer for sweet, baby Elijah. My sister's good from from high school and his wife had their beautiful son 10 days ago. When he was just one week old he was medi-flighted up to Children's hospital and he's now fighting for his life. Just say a prayer. Please.

KC recap.

2008-12-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm a little behind, but I thought I would recap our weekend..er, make that 24 hours, in Kansas City.

We woke up bright and early Saturday morning to start the 5 hour trek to KC. I decided to wear my warm game-day clothes in the car. Not a good idea. Skinny jeans, boots, and a turtle neck ride up in all the wrong places after a few hours.

[Not in Oklahoma anymore]

We finally arrived around 1:30 and hit up the Plaza right away. We met up with our gracious host, Amanda, and her and I did some shopping while Heath drank a few cold ones in a bar down the street.

When it finally came time to head to the stadium, we decided to forgo the GPS directions and proceeded to get very lost in a veerrry sketch part of town. After driving in circles for what seemed like forever, I finally rolled down the window and asked a nice post-woman how to get to Arrow Head stadium. In her best Aunt Jamima voice, she says "Ooooooh, Hooonnney" and it was pretty evident that we were not only no where near our destination, but not exploring the best part of town.

We finally found the stadium around and the rowdy group of tailgaters that we were looking for around 4:00. My dear friend, Megan decided to bail -- thanks a lot, Meg! (She's 20 months preggo, guess that's a good excuse!) So, I was stuck with a group of inebriated boys. It was pretty entertaining. And, I did my best to catch up with them since they seemed to be pretty toasty and warm from all the Crown and beer they'd been consuming since noon.

[This is how your husband greeted us, Meg!]

[Don't judge me. It really does warm you up :) ]

[The boys]

[freezing]

[You know women would have packed plates, but at least the boys knew how to cook. Here's my dinner: beer and a pork chop on a stick]

[note to self: Russian dancing thaws out those frozen toes]

After tailgating for too many hours, we finally made it into the stadium. It was beyond cold. This Okie girl doesn't do well with cold weather. I had toe warmers stuck to the bottoms of my socks and hand warmers inside of my socks and I still couldn't feel my toes. I guess that's what I get for trying to wear my cute boots with thin socks to a football game.

I was fully prepared to stick it out to the end of the game, but when we were blowing Mizzou out of the water by halftime (BOOMER SOONER!), Heath turned to me and said "Uh...we can go back to the Plaza now if you want." No arm twisting there. Cold beer, warm pizza. What more could I ask for?

We met up with some friends later that night, but made it to bed by 1:30.

Sunday, we hit up JackStack for some KC Bar-B-Q. After a little more shopping (am I the only one who buys 3 things for myself for every 1 Christmas present I buy??), we headed back to the homeland. Here are a few pics to describe how we felt after about 4 hours on the road:

Needless to say, driving 10 hours in 24 hours is a bit much. We're still recovering.

Workin' hard for my monaaay.

2008-12-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been MIA again. I've been trying to find time to recap our KC trip, but I've been working my tail off. I'm in the ER this month, which is usually claims a pretty easy schedule. But, since I was off this weekend, my shifts are stacked up this week. I'm working 1pm - 1am six days in a row. I get home at 1:30, go to bed around 3 am and then wake up at around 11 to do it all again. It's a rough life, kids. Rough, indeed.

I'll post your face off this weekend. Don't you worry!

::drumroll please::

2008-12-07T18:35:00.000-08:00

The winner of the Pass it On contest is.....

Joi of Nuestra Vida Dulce. Congrats, Joi! Email me your address (email addy in side bar) and I'll send your prize your way very soon! And, don't forget, you have to keep the game going by passing on your own little treat!

Thanks to everyone who participated and for sharing all of the wonderful blessings in your life. It's amazing how many lurkers come out of hiding when there's a giveaway up for grabs! Hope you guys stick around and don't make yourselves strangers! I wish I had 30 prizes to give away.

KC or bust.

2008-12-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

The husband and I are headed to Kansas City this weekend for a spur of the moment trip. We're driving up tomorrow, going to the Big 12 Championship game (cheering the Sooners on to victory over Mizzou!), shopping our faces off on Sunday and then heading home.

I'm sick with laryngitis, so I won't be doing much cheering. I'm sure the 24 degree weather won't do any good for my voice. Okies aren't used to this kind of weather. Heath and I just spent $70 dollars on hand warmers, gloves, ear muffs, and thermals. I also scored a cute coat at Old Navy today:

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! Lots of pictures will be posted when we return. And, I'll be drawing a winner for the Pass it On contest - so hurry up and comment below if you haven't yet!

Just a few...

2008-12-02T00:11:00.000-08:00

reasons I love my husband.

He went to see Twilight with me this weekend. I was a little nervous to see it. I loved the books so much and I'd heard so many bad reviews. But, I was even more nervous about seeing it with Heath. He and his friends (you know who you are!) teased me unmercifully about reading 'vampire' books. So, I told him before hand that he wasn't allowed to say a word no matter how cheesy it was. As soon as we sat down, he whipped out his phone and started checking football scores. It wasn't long before I noticed that he was watching the movie more than catching up on his sports. When we walked out of the theater, I told him I couldn't want to tell his friend that he'd seen the movie with me. And he said "I'm sure you'll write in your blog 'Bubbles went and saw Twilight with me!'" And, he actually liked it! He's already signed up to see the next one with me. (I actually really loved it too...more on that in another post)

I bugged Heath all day Sunday about putting Christmas lights on the house. We've lived together for almost 4 years, but we've never put lights up 0utside. I debated bringing some home with me after my shopping excursion on Sunday, but decided against it because I knew he didn't really want to do it. Well, today, I worked from 1pm - 1am in the ER. When I turned the corner onto our street, I saw our house all lit up with lights! My sweet husband suprised me by putting pretty little white lights all along the roof line of the house in the dark when he got home after a long day at work!

better late than never.

2008-12-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't forgotten about the little contest I am supposed to be hosting on my blog. I'm just a procrastinator - it's how I roll. If you've forgotten, I won a fabulous prize from Freckle's Chick and now it's my turn to Pass it On!

Here's the loot:

An adorable pink and white damask apron, just in time for some Holiday cooking - modeled by yours truly.
excuse the blurriness, it's hard to stand on your tippy-toes and take a picture!

A bottle of my most favorite hand lotion of all time. It leaves your hands silky smooth, non-greasy and deliciously edible! My sister calls this the Sopapilla lotion - it smells that good.

So, here's what you do:

- To enter this contest, simply leave a comment telling me about a blessing in your life.

-- If you'd prefer not to participate, I totally understand. But I would still love to hear from you, so please fee free to leave a comment anyway. De-lurking is encouraged!

-- I will print out your comments, toss them in a basket, and have Bubbles draw the names of the winner on Sunday, December 7th. I will post the results the next day.

-- The winner will need to email me some sort of address in order for me to mail their gifts. I promise I'm not a stalker. I will not drive to your house and leave you creepy gifts of headless dolls on your porch. I'll send you your gift and then destroy your address and all other evidence promptly.

-- The name of the game is Pass It On, so if you are a winner, it's encouraged that you in turn do something similar for your readers. Sound like a plan? Now hop to it!

2008-11-29T21:14:00.000-08:00

BOOMER SOONER!

thanks.

2008-11-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

I'll be stuck in the ER from 8a-8p on Thanksgiving day and Friday. Not much fun. But, up until this point, being in residency really hasn't affected my life outside of the hospital. I've yet to miss a birthday party, wedding/baby shower, or anything else I've wanted to do. So, I guess I can't complain.

Heath and I celebrated Thanksgiving tonight with a trip to Texas Roadhouse.

After gorging ourselves with soft, buttery rolls, we stopped by Sam's. We walked out with Guitar Hero :)

my dog is not possessed.

It's been a rough year - that goes without being said. But I do have so much to be thankful for. A good friend of mine (M) and I were emailing today about how the holidays are so difficult when you're suffering a loss (of something you've had or have yet to have). The last week has been tough for us both, with several acquaintances announcing pregnancies. M's sweet husband, B, reminded her that while it seems like these people have everything - they really don't. They have the one thing that we want, but we are so blessed in so many other ways. We made a promise to each other to focus on our many blessings tomorrow. I decided to start tonight.

01. My handsome, hard-working, stubborn husband. He has been my rock. I don't know why God chose me to be his wife, but I am so glad that he did. I couldn't imagine having more fun with anyone else.

02. My family. I have the most amazing parents, sister and in-laws I could ever ask for.

03. Our beautiful new house. I know it wasn't quite what I wanted, but we are blessed beyond belief to have this roof over our head.

04. My job. I have worked all my life to be doing what I'm doing right now. I know with every ounce of me that I'm doing what I was called to do. I work my butt off and don't get paid nearly enough for it, but I couldn't be happier.

This list will continue later. For now, I'll sign off - my husband is challenging me to a guitar hero face off. Bring it on!

what happens in Vegas, ends up on my blog.

2008-11-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

Vegas was too much fun. I thought 3 nights would be enough, but I certainly didn't want to leave.

We really didn't take very many pictures while we were there. We arrived Monday and headed straight for our favorite place on the strip, Diablo's. Next time you go to Vegas, you must check it out. Fantastic mexican food, amazing margaritas/sangria and a hoppin' happy hour. They'll even let you stand on the bar to spin their Wheel 'o Drinks every 30 minutes for the happy hour special!

please excuse my post-flying look.

Next stop, Coyote Ugly for some giant boots of margarita - it's how all Okie's drink their 'ritas.

We spent all day Tuesday walking the strip, checking our Fremont Street and grabbing drinks in all the casinos along the way. Heath and I got all fancied up and went out for dinner and drinks that evening. We met up with my parents at a piano bar later. No pics were taken that night. We left the camera in room in an attempt to prevent me from losing/breaking yet another camera.

Speaking of, here is our room at MGM Grand. I was pretty impressed. Especially for a whopping $67 a night! Can't beat that deal with a stick!

We decided to take it easy Wednesday. Which is exactly what I did. By the pool.

Ah. Perfection.

Wednesday evening we went and saw Mystere. It was pretty incredible. On our last Vegas adventure, we saw Zumanity - the 'sensual side of cirque du soleil'. I don't recommend it, unless you're into watching soft porn with a roomful of strangers. Mystere, on the other hand, was quite suitable to watch with the parentals.

After the show, we hit up Diablo's for a second time. Fajitas and beer - what a way to end the night.

We flew out Thursday afternoon. We had just enough time to drop some cash on the Roulette tables before heading out.

I'm ready to go back tomorrow. Any takers?

Make this now.

2008-11-24T18:17:00.001-08:00

I found a recipe in a magazine at work and decided to give it a try for dinner. It was super easy and really good! You should try it too. Doctor's orders.

Chicken Enchilada Casserole

Thick and chunky salsa 1 1/2 cups, divided
6 inch Tortillas (recipe calls for corn, I used flour) 4
Diced onion 1/3 cup
1 15 oz. can black beans drained, rinsed
chicken 1 cup, cooked a chopped (I baked mine in the oven and then shredded it)
Sour cream 1 cup
Mexican blend shredded cheese 1 cup

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Pour 1/2 cup salsa in bottom of 9x9 inch square cooking dish that has been sprayed with cooking spray.
3. Tear tortillas in half, and use four pieces to cover bottom of dish.
4. In bowl, combine 1 cup salsa, onion, black beans and chicken. Spoon half of mixture over tortillas.
5. Top with half of the sour cream and then half of the cheese.
6. Continue layering with remaining tortilla halves, chicken mixture, sour cream and cheese.
7. Cover with foil and bake 35 minutes until bubbly. Remove foil and bake for 5 more minutes

Later, gators.

2008-11-17T07:18:00.000-08:00

I'm packed up. The dogs have been dropped off at a friend's. And, I've got Breaking Dawn in my purse. And I'm feelin' lucky.

I'm ready to go.

See you guys in a few days!

Packin' and trying to be still.

2008-11-10T18:05:00.001-08:00

Did I forget to mention that I'll be viva'ing it up in Vegas in 7 days with the Husband and my parents?

While I'm super pumped about our little vacay, it's also bitter sweet.

You see, if our most recent adoption would have worked out, I still would have taken a week's worth of vacation. But, instead of partyin' it up in the city 'o sin, we would be roadtrippin' it to my sister's in San Antonio so she could meet her new neice.

I love Vegas, but you can see why I wish I wasn't going.

In other news, please say a little prayer for a new prospect that is brewing (not another private adoption...that ship has sailed for now). I don't want to say much more about it because I'm not anywhere near believing that it will work out, but a lot of prayer never hurts. God never fails to surprise me though. I should know by now that He never leaves my side. Right when I start to feel hopeless again, He has a perfect way of showing me that He hasn't forgotten about us and He can do anything. I find myself feeling discouraged that I cannot predict where or when a baby will come into our lives. Then, God shows me that it doesn't have to be something I can predict. It could come from anywhere! A good friend of my mom's got me a plaque recently that reads "Be still and know that I am God - Psalms 46:10". It sounds so simple, but I constantly need to be reminded of that.

I've been bitten.

2008-11-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

I too have fallen prey to the Cullen's. I resisted the urge to pick up Twilight as long as I could, but post after post on my Google Reader raved about this series chronicling a vampire love story. Sounds ridiculous, right? Trust me, people aren't lying when they say you will become obsessed with finishing these books, find yourself crushing on a teenage vampire, and using the word "vampire" in your daily life.

I am completely worthless lately. I have two weeks of shows on my DVR to catch up on (not that that qualifies me as being worthless). I work, I eat, and then I snuggle up in bed with my favorite vampire. I'm off to Target to pick up New Moon right now.

Pick up Twilight and I dare you not to finish it wanting more.

halloween

2008-11-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

Representin' the blue collar workers of America: a garbage man and a grease monkey. (We had to dress up as something that started with "G" for the party we went to)

Me and G.I. Jane

The jello shots that lead to my demise.

tagged.

2008-11-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged again - twice. And, since we're enjoying a lazy Saturday evening at home, I figured I would knock 'em out. First, the lovely Freckles Chick tagged me to tell 7 random things about myself. Secondly, the fabulous Canridings tagged me with the Honestly Weblog award to tell 10 honest things about myself. I'll just go with 10 things, because it's late and I'm tired and surely cannot think of 17 things to tell you without boring you to tears.

Here we go.

1. I met my husband in a bar. And, I actually hit on him first. I spotted him about a week prior at a Math and Science awards banquet (yes, I'm a nerd) and thought he was the hottest little thing I'd ever seen. The next week, feeling brave with a few beers in my belly, I approached him. The rest, as they say, is history.

2. I shower at least twice a day. I wash my hair that much too. I know, it's bad for my hair, but I have to have "fresh" hair for the evening.

3. Not proud of this one (we're being honest, right?), I've puked in my husband's truck 3 times now. The last time being last night. Picture me, stumbling into the house, and him in the driveway hosing out his truck at 2 a.m. He loves me, he really loves me.

4. This has probably been the hardest year of my life. Between all of the house drama and fertility struggles, I have easily cried more this year than all other years combined. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've learned more about myself, my husband and my God this year as well.

5. For the same reasons above, this has also been one of the best years of my life.

6. I'm horrible at remembering birthdays. There are about 4 people in my life who's birthdays I actually know. I wish I was better at it. I'd love to be that person who sends cards to everyone on their day 'o birth, but I just can't do it.

7. I'm happiest when I'm in the hospital, working 75 hours a week. I'd take that over sitting in clinic from 9-5 any day.

8. I don't want to admit this to my husband, but he's turned me into a football fan. These last few weeks we've sat at a sports bar, shared appetizers and watched a good game. I love getting to share one of his greatest passions with him.

9. I am extremely jealous of people who are pregnant. I think my reactions seem genuine when I find out a friend is expecting, but most of it is superficial. I don't know that I'll be able to truly be happy for someone until I am able to experience as well. I hate that.

10. I could probably sleep all day, every day now that I'm working. I have an excuse, though. I do wake up at 4:30 a.m. most days. But, I could easily go to bed right when I walk in the door at the end of the day if it weren't for having to eat and spend time with the husband.

**If you're still with me, I was the winner of a recent Pass It On contest, from my freckley friend. So, I'll be out looking for goodies tomorrow and having a drawing of my own in the next week!**

And, before I forget, I guess I need to tag some folks as well. But, doing this took me a lot longer than I planned (it's hard to come up with random things about yourself!) so if you are reading this, I'm tagging YOU! Leave a comment and let me know you did it.

2008-10-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've been drooling over this lamp on The Ex List. Isn't it fab?p.s. It's a slow day at work. I'm passing the time with a little eye candy.

2008-10-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

I just bought this shirt*. It makes me happy.*Don't worry, Heath - I used a gift card :)

the desk

2008-10-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

The desk before:After:
The cute knobs I got from Anthropologie.

Next up: hanging my West Elm capiz shell chandelier. I'm on the hunt for a cool rug and some curtains. Any ideas?

I'm it.

2008-10-15T09:55:00.001-07:00

Okay, Chris, you're not helping me to get any cleaning done today. I've been tagged! And, since I never did the other two tags (please, don't hate me.), I figured I should get the job done on this one. So, while I haven't quite done enough cleaning, or anything, to take a break - I'm going to anyway.

1. Clothes Shop

- J.Crew. I am obsessed. I could buy almost anything in there. Due to that little thing called money, I usually buy nothing from there. Instead I just drool. One day, you will all be mine, J.Crew.

- Anthropologie. Thanks to my sis working for my next fave, I get a pretty discount there. She introduced me to my dear, sweet Anthro and I will be forever grateful.

- Urban Outfitters. I agree with you, C, I could do some damage in Urban. While the style as a whole isn't quite me, they have some amazing stuff. And, again, the discount doesn't hurt.

2. Furniture Shop

- Pottery Barn. I know, such an obvious answer. I can't help it. I'm in love.

-Anthro, again. If I could, I would buy up all of their tasty upholstered chairs and delicious bedding.

- I love random found objects too. So, no particular store, but I like antique stores, flea markets, garage sales. Pics of the fabuloso desk we re-finished soon.

3. City

- I've gotta give some love to good 'ol OKC. With our new NBA team (Go Thunder!), nearby neighbors Norman and Edmond, and a fabulous downtown that rivals the riverwalk in S.A., I'm quite happy here.

- Madison, WI. Oh, the one that got away. I still have some tiny regrets about not going there for residency. I'm still holding out hope that we might go there for fellowship, or at least a little vacay soon.

-L.A./Laguna/anywhere in Cali - I couldn't live in Cali, but I could definitely sit and stay awhile. I spent a long weekend there last year and it reminded me how much I loved it there. The style, the beach, the weather -ahhh, what more could you want?

4. Sweet

- I've been trying to cut back, but I have a love hate relationship with ice cream. I've been known to go for weeks eating it daily. These days, with my advancing age and slowing metabolism, I try to keep it down to a few times a month. But, oh, how I cherish those times.

5. Drink

- Water. I drink gallons and gallons of water. Not a good combination when you have the bladder of a squirrel (as Heath says), but I just can't get enough. If I'm bored, I can drink a bottle of water in a few minutes without even knowing it.

- I can also drink my fair share of alcoholic beverages. Those of you who knew me in college know the scary, embarrassing truth to that statement (let's not share stories, I have a reputation to uphold around here). I'm not picky either. I like beer (Corona, Miller lite), liquor (margaritas, vodka tonic) and wine (red, please).

6. Music

- I love it all. Some of my faves are Counting Crows, Sister Hazel, Jason Mraz, Matchbox 20, John Mayer, ...anything slow and soul-ful with lots of guitar.

- This may come to a surprise to some of you, or not - but, I also have a love for some artists that I'm not so proud of. *Nsync (3 concerts), Britney (just two), and pretty much any ghetto pop song on the radio right now. Fave songs of the moment - Womanizer and Whatever You Like.

7. TV series

-DVR is the devil. I have more 'must see' shows than I'd like to admit. To name a few: Gossip Girls, Project Runway (finale tonight!), The Hills, Grey's, Brothers and Sisters....ok, that's enough.

8. Film

- Anything that makes me laugh or cry. The Notebook, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Pretty Woman, Sweet Home Alabama, Last Kiss, Anchorman, Hitch.

I actually hate going to the movies though, such a waste of time. I'd rather curl up at home with a DVD or buy one On Demand. Movie theaters are not my thing.

9. Workout

- Ha. I haven't worked out in awhile. Working 80 hours a week kind of puts a crimp in my jogging schedule. I would love to go for a good run 4 times a week, but it just ain't gonna happen.

10. Pastries

- I like the occasional cream-filled maple long john, but I'm not a big pastry gal.

11. Coffee

- I don't drink it. Not at all. No caffeine for me. How I made it through college, medical school and now a good portion of my intern year without the drug is quite amazing. I love the smell of coffee, but it tastes like battery acid. I'll still to my water. And beer.

Ok, now I'm off to clean. Until something else catches my attention.

fall.

2008-10-15T09:29:00.001-07:00

It's starting to feel like fall. We've got a 'cold front' in Oklahoma, with temps dipping down to a frigid 51 right now...back up to the mid 70's the rest of the week. Brrrrr ;)

I'm in my happy place today. I've got the day off and I'm trying to get some stuff done around the house. I've got my iTunes playlist turned all the way up, I'm using the heater for the first time in our new house and cooking some crockpot salsa chicken. We (that means Heath) finally got the antique desk that we bought refinished and moved into the office. So, I'm hoping I can make the office look photo-worthy today and maybe you'll get a peak of our amazing vintage find.

Don't worry, the post about my Bubbles is coming soon. But, I kind of lied about it being my next post.

strike three.

2008-10-11T13:36:00.001-07:00

Denied.

Again.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

catch up. not ketchup.

2008-10-10T11:41:00.001-07:00

Sorry, I've been MIA lately. A few reasons why : not too much to blog about and I've been busy as heck. Back to working 75 hours a week and lovin' every second of it.

First and foremost, I'm a little late on this, but another dear friend of mine just got some horrific news. She recently found out she lost one of her IVF twins. She's trying to look on the bright side and be strong for the baby in her belly but she's very much still mourning her loss. Once again, say a little prayer for, M (a different M). Or send her a little bit of comment love. She needs it right now. Thanks

So, I acutally have a pretty slow afternoon today so I thought I'd chat you up a bit. I've spent the last few months on Peds Hem/Onc (cancer) and I think I've found my calling. There have been some extremely heartbreaking moments, but many good ones too. I absolutely adore the patients. Something about a little bald kiddo just melts my heart.

This weekend is the big OU/Tx Red River rivalry football game. My husband has been counting down the days for the last 364 days. In case you don't know, it is a huuuuuge game. And with the teams being ranked #1 and #5 (Oklahoma being numero uno, obvs.) it should be pretty exciting. We'll be spending the afternoon with some good friends of ours, so it ought to be a good time for all.

I've been meaning to post some pics from my visit to Dallas a few weeks ago. This was the weekend that I kind of broke down, but it certainly wasn't all bad. I got to spend time with some of my favorite people in the world. So, hopefully pics will be coming soon.

For those of you who have asked, I'm actually doing really well. My emotions are just all over the place. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I know that's so cliche, but that describes it to a tee. I spend days or weeks on this slow, but steady ascent and before I know it I'm headed back down at a frightening speed. So, these days I've just been enjoying the ride up. And, although I hope it's a long, gradual climb - usually those lead to bigger drops once you reach the top.

I had a very uncomfortable moment last weekend. First of all, I was exhausted - I'd been on call all weekend and was just ready to really rest. I left the hospital, got cleaned up and headed to my sweet friend Sarah's baby shower. Sarah is the one who's husband's sister-in-law is A. Yes, that A. So, of course A's sister was at the shower. I wasn't really sure who she was. But, a few minutes into the gift-opening, the woman next to me says "Oh, Sarah! Did you know A had her baby! I got to go back with her and cut the cord, it was so neat!".

Excuse me? Are you seriously talking about your sister, who's baby you wanted ME to adopt? And you're doing it right in front of me? Of course at the time, I assumed it was malicious, but I don't really know that she knew who I was. Except that when I walked in the door Sarah ran up to me while calling my name. And then repeatedly mentioned mine and Heath's name. But, maybe she didn't notice.

This bothered me on many levels. One reason I was so miffed was because A's sister, who had been on of the key players in trying to make this adoption happy now seemed to be so happy about her sister's new bundle of joy. Secondly, she thinks she's telling Sarah for the first time! I would have thought she'd call Sarah immediately after the birth so that she could notify me of the final decision. She obviously had no idea what it was like to be on this side of the fence...the waiting, praying and tears that went into hoping this adoption would work.

So, I kind of shut off. I left promptly and the rest of the day wasn't all that great. But, otherwise, things have been going well. I think I'm too busy to even think about it much.

Blah. Anyway, this has turned into a novel. And, the point of it was to say that I'm doing well - and I'm afraid that's not the message I sent across. But, really, I am!

I think I'll post next about my amazing husband. I don't know what it is, but lately I just can't get enough of him. I am just so blessed. And I don't think I say it enough. So, the next post you see will be dedicated to that hottie that I like to call Bubbles :)

request.

2008-10-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

As if I don't ask for your prayers enough - please say a little prayer tonight for my friend, M, who recently told me she was pregnant. She found out today that she miscarried. Although it wasn't a planned pregnancy, she's pretty devastated.

Thanks, ladies.

chipped away.

2008-09-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by a few people.... I'll get to them soon, promise.

I feel like my "bad" days are coming more often. This weekend was a little rough (I say that a lot, don't I?). I feel like I barely recover from a blow and then get knocked over with another.

A had the baby. We never really heard anything. I actually didn't find out she had the baby until about 3 days later. Please pray that this baby completely changes her. I hope that this baby girl was all it took for her to do a 360 and get her life together.

I just found out that a good friend is pregnant. She emailed me and said she knew that I'd been having a rough time but she wanted me to hear it from her, which I really appreciate. She also said that she told me by email so that I could have time to process it and so that she could avoid getting her feelings hurt because she knew I wouldn't be as happy as she wanted. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to tell me and I hate that for her. Just because I can't have that, doesn't make me any less happy for her, but it definitely wasn't easy to hear. I love her and just pray that I can be strong and happy for her. I don't want to hurt her or make her feel that she can't be joyful over being pregnant.

I fell asleep crying last night. Praying that God would protect my heart, telling Him that I'm angry and hurt, and that I was sorry - but that was really all I had for Him. I feel like I'm being slowly chipped away. It's getting harder and harder to put on a happy face and go about my life like nothing is wrong. I am sick of watching everyone else experience this when it is something I want with every ounce of myself. Every time I saw a pregnant woman today, a dad holding his baby boy or mom walking through the mall with her little girl - it was like taking a bullet.

I feel so alone. Luckily I have amazing friends, a wonderful sister and a mom who would do anything for me. But, I know they don't know what to say when I call them crying. What is there to say? I can't even talk to Heath about it. Anytime he sees me upset about it he shuts me out -- he can't help but feel that it's his fault I'm in so much pain. No matter how many times I tell him that HE is the man I'm going to be with forever, and HE is the man that God wanted me to experience this with, he worries that I'll decide it isn't worth it to stick around. I never, never think about why we can't get pregnant - just that we can't.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like something has to give soon. Just last week I was saying that I was finally at peace with all of this. That this must be where God wanted me to be. I just felt okay with everything. I knew that we'd have a baby and I was okay with not knowing how or when. And then, this weekend happened. Now I just want to give up. I want to not want it.

This is a random, whiny post. It's okay if you don't even comment, really. I appreciate all of your comments, but sometimes saying nothing is okay too. I know that God has a plan, I know that it will all happen in time. But, I just need a place to vent and be angry for awhile.

playing catch up.

2008-09-21T18:02:00.001-07:00

I've been a bad blogger lately. sorry. Not much to blog about really. So, here is about a month's worth of pictures.

And, happy birthday to me today!

We went out to eat with all the interns for the Sept. birthdays. Cheesecake Factory, yum!

Shots for the girls. Christa, Sarah, me.

Pre-Birthday Dinner shot of me and the husband.

These pics are out of order. But this is Meredith and I after we polished off our pitchers.

Graham Colton/Jewel concert.

Some med school friends were in town so we had a girl's night. When we got to the bar, the bartender informed us that we had 15 minutes of happy hour left. So, we were each going to order two beers. He then told us that pitchers were cheaper and I said "Ok, we'll take 4!". So, we each had our own!

First OU game with Tim and Sarah.

Boomer Sooner!

It started POURING at half time and we ran back to the truck in the monsoon.

Me and the wonderful Mr. Graham Colton.

That's all for now. Hope everyone had as good of a weekend as I did!

black is the new black?

2008-09-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

So, I asked for chocolate brown. and got this. but it's growing on me.

Me and my fabulous sister at my birthday dinner.

Whadya think?

Major picture post coming atcha.

the sun'll come out

2008-09-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

I am still in shock that this happened to me...

I felt like I had done a really good job at playing it cool today. I joked, I laughed, I only thought about A and the baby a few dozen times throughout the morning. But as I was leaving noon conference today, I was approached by a fellow resident with a furrowed brow.

"I have to talk to you about something very serious", he said. We're not friends, I mean, not really. We chat, we have spent a few hours in clinic together, but I had no idea why he would want to talk to me about something serious.

So, he goes on to tell me that "we weren't expecting this at all....we weren't planning it" .....
"but, my wife just found out she's pregnant". Suck. That was my first reaction. But, of course I congratulated him. Then... I can't even believe it as I type it...he proceeds to tell me that after hours of discussing it, they don't want it. AND, he wants me to help him find a place to have an abortion. SERIOUSLY? Why me? Of all people? On this day?

I calmly told him that I was the very last person he should ask about this as my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for ALMOST TWO YEARS and have had TWO failed adoptions. I told him that he had to stop talking or I would get very emotional on him. He kept talking. Guys just don't get it sometimes.

Thankfully I had to stop off along the way to get something and told him I'd see him later. Then, I.lost.it. Like, bawled my eyes out, couldn't talk, mascara running down my face. Lost it. I called my chief resident and told her I had to talk to her. I didn't think I could make it to clinic. How was I supposed to work? I mean, not only do I not agree with the decision he's making...it was just awful timing for me (because you know how it always comes back to me..I'm selfish like that).

Eventually, I calmed myself down enough to go to clinic. But, honestly, my breakdown probably didn't have that much do to with him. I just felt really hopeless today. I feel bad even typing that. I mean, I obviously still have hope. I know God will bring us a baby. But, I feel like our only avenue of getting a baby soon was this adoption. And now that door is closing. I know IVF is in our future. But, I feel like it's in our distant future.

This blog has become such a downer. I thought to myself yesterday that I was going to post pictures and something fun, and now you get this. So, to my 100 subscribers...stick around. I'll put my big girl panties on soon and entertain you a bit. But today is an angry day. Right after my encounter today, I asked "Why me? Why did you let him ask me? Protect me from these things, You know I'm fragile".

So, I'm now on my 3rd Corona. I know that's not a good way to deal with it. And, I promise I'm not an alcoholic, but a beer or eight just sounded good. So, Heath is on his way home with Bar-B-Que and beer and we plan on having a little fiesta tonight.

Tomorrow I'll be better. I always am.

not looking good.

2008-09-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a decent job of just waiting from a phone call from Sarah or A to give us an idea of where things were headed. But, Sarah called yesterday about something completely unrelated and I had to ask if she'd heard from A's sister lately. She hadn't, but said she'd give her a call.

She just called me back to say that she had spoken to A's sister, who said she hadn't talked to A much. As far as she knows, she hasnt made a decision yet, but A asked her if she could borrow her Pack 'n Play. So, it sounds like she's planning to keep the baby. Unless she is getting a puppy and wants to use the pack 'n play as a dog crate. But, that's doubtful. Apparently there's more to the story and A's sister didn't have time to elaborate. So, I should be finding out a little more later.

I'm trying to maintain my composure. On one hand, I expected this and thought I would be prepared to handle the disappointment. On the other, I was secretly planning my mad dash to the store for diapers and such.

If you know me, you know I'm already wanting to plan my next move so that I don't feel the pain from this blow. But, I'm trying to be still and wait. The thought of fostering through DHS and hopefully adopting thereafter has been on my mind a lot. It seems that the situation presents itself almost daily lately. See...there I go already...

I know it could still go either way, and I'm praying that this takes another direction than the one it appears to be going. But for now, it's not looking good.

the name game.

2008-09-06T19:12:00.001-07:00

For all of you pregnant mothers out there still in search of a unique, but beautiful baby name: search no more!

I came across the Holy Grail of unique baby names in the ER this weekend. Here are a few of the little gems:

Ganaria (say it out loud...do it.)

Clitoria - this is Ganaria's mother. Seriously.

Joy in the time of sorrow (yes, that is a first name, a BOY's first name)

Elvis

Yourmajesty (could you imagine marrying this guy...ugh.)

Two brothers : Money & Million.

Three brothers: Mister, Sir and Duke

Fortuneit

Sunshine

Elwee (the THIRD! Two other people named their children this...)

Queenkaren

Jack Daniels

Liam (pronounced "yum" after his father William)

DeeWee

Desmccq (pronounced "Des", obvs)

Satin Deer

Thyme (pronounced "Timmy")

Thunder

Demon

Little Angel

Unique (not as unique as the other ones I've seen, dear)

D'nasty Foley (as in foley catheter...yes, they are nasty)

Dickinya (O.M.G)

Here's a middle name in case you're stuck on those too: Tvfvhvtke. Yeah, you got me on that one.

There are pages upon pages of names of kids with crazy names that have come into the Children's ER over several years. While I couldn't help but laugh out loud at several of these creative (?) names, I felt bad for the poor children who suffered because of them. I mean, how do you think little Ganaria did in high school? And, I've got dibs on D'nasty...so don't you beeches take it, ya hear?

100.

2008-09-03T15:49:00.001-07:00

I offically have 100 subscribers on Google Reader as of today. I am quite suprised. When I started this blog I didn't think anyone but my momma would read it. I find it hard to believe that so many are reading since that my last few posts have had less than 5 comments. Where are all of you people? Say something, de-lurk, introduce yourselves!

p.s.

2008-09-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

Another little obsession...

Gossip Girl. O.M.G. The season premier is tonight and 7:00 cannot get here soon enough!

If you haven't watched it, I suggest you clear your schedule for an hour tonight and hop on the GG (no, not Gilmore Girls. That is so 2004) train with me.

It's a little naughty, but I am a little hooked.

my own 'savior'.

2008-09-01T13:45:00.001-07:00

It's been a busy weekend. I'll post a weekend update later.

But, first, I wanted to talk about the sermon at church on Sunday. We read Romans 8: 1-13. Each of us has a spot deep in the center of our hearts that we choose to fill with whatever we desire. The preacher asked what was in our hearts. The answer was easy: what do you obsess about the most? I think anyone who knows me knows my obsession. A baby. I am overwhelmed by thoughts of a baby. I don't think I go more than 30 minutes (and that's pushing it) a day without wondering how, when and where I'll get a baby.

So, instead of spending my energy focusing on Him, I'm consumed with being a mother. I have allowed this to be my "savior" instead of God. Instead of seeking Him, I am spending hours daily seeking my own desires.

Throughout this journey thus far, I have seen my desire for Him and my walk with Him grow exponentially, but I also notice that my first and last thought each day is of a baby. He has continued to bless us and I know that He will always do so. But, my purpose is to please Him. Not the other way around.

In my last post, I talked about having faith that God would bring us a baby in His perfect timing. And, I still believe that's true. But, in order to have faith that He will do that, I need to seek him first. If I would devote the time and energy I spend thinking about a baby on my walk with Christ, everything else would fall into place.

My eyes were really opened on Sunday. I know the change won't happen overnight, but I want to make a conscious effort to seek Him throughout the day and let Him take care of the rest.

love.

2008-08-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some fabulous items in my wish list on anthropologie.com. Someone has a birthday coming up ::wink, wink::

Love this whole outfit. It's crooked, that bothers me. But deal with it.

Shoes from the outfit above. Aren't they delish?

I must have this dress. It would be nice for work with a little cami or sexxxy without.

I'll take this too, please. thankyouverymuch.

Cute and cozy. Two things that I luuurve.

I will have this purse. Thank goodness for sister's discount :)

Not really my style, but too adorable to pass up.

There, that made me feel better. How about you?

keep 'em coming.

2008-08-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

My friend Sarah called last night to let us know that she had spoken to BM's (we'll call her A now, we found out her name last night) sister. A brought up adoption again and asked for our contact info. So, she knows our first names and my cell phone number.

She's due in two weeks apparently and has done absolutely nothing to prepare for a baby. She says she still not made a decision either way, but she has not thought about a name, hasn't bought a crib, car seat, nothing!

I fell asleep praying about it and woke up thinking about it. I have a feeling the next few days are going to be verrrrry long. I'm trying to find the perfect balance between optimism and realism. I'm guarding my heart (or trying to) but at the same time vividly picturing baby showers, taking her up to work to meet everyone, falling asleep on the couch with her on my chest, rushing out for a car seat and crib in the next few weeks...

I've allowed my mind to go way farther with this than I was planning. Last night I just prayed that God would prepare us for whatever decision was made. I would like to say that our chances are 50/50 at this point, but I'm sure that's being a little generous on our behalf.

I'm planning on calling my uncle, the judge, today and asking for a few names of good lawyers. Until this point I've been afraid to start getting things lined up, but now I feel like I need to at least lay a little ground work.

So, I'm asking for it again. Lots of prayers. I know you've already been doing it, but please specifically pray for A as she makes the toughest decision of her life and that God would continue to guard our hearts and prepare us for His plan.

Be on the look out for a shopping related post later this afternoon. I'm in the need for some distractions today and I prescribed myself a little retail therapy.

obstacles.

2008-08-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
-Alfred D. Souza

Design Crush

seriously?

2008-08-27T08:11:00.001-07:00

another day in adolescent clinic.

another 16 year old with a positive pregnancy test.

another girl asking about abortion.

still learning.

2008-08-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

warning: this could be long.

Thanks for the prayers. I'm doing okay. Every once in awhile I let my impatience get the best of me.

Not to mention, my lovely Aunt Flo is visiting. She brings not only a reminder that another month has come and gone without anything to show for, but a whole slew of hormones that turn me into a raging, moody, drama queen.

These last few days have been exceptionally tough for me. Friday, I cried at the office, just out of sheer frustration for our situation. We went out with some friends Friday night and every little comment seemed to rub me the wrong way. One of the couples has two kids and the wife was commenting about how lucky I am to not have children. I get to buy things for myself, go wherever I want - whenever I want, go out at night, have friends over at all hours...I'm so lucky! I told her that I did not feel one bit sorry for her and that I would trade her places in a heartbeat. I felt like she was being pretty insensitive at the time, now I know that I was just being hypersensitive.

Saturday I worked an all day ER shift. So, that day was gone in a blur.

Sunday, we got up and went to church. The sermon was over the Armor of God. We took time out of the sermon to specifically pray for that piece of armor that we were lacking. I prayed for God to arm me with the Shield of Faith. I realize that I'm having a hard time letting go and giving our situation fully to Him. I'm such a control freak that it kills me that I cannot fix this. I know that God is testing me. For once, I am having to fully and blindly rely on Him and trust in His perfect plan - with His perfect timing.

Monday was the icing on the cake. I spent another lovely day in Adolescent Clinic and the patient that I had been dreading came in. Another resident saw her, but a 17 year old girl came in after taking 5 pregnancy tests at home. Just for good measure, a sixth test at the office showed those lovely pink lines as well. I had been dreading the day that a young, careless girl came in with an unwanted pregnancy. I'm so thankful that I wasn't the doctor that had to tell her this "bad news". I found out a few minutes before leaving the office yesterday that she was asking for resources on abortion. ::insert tears here::

I also decided yesterday that I couldn't wait until October and we should just apply for IVF financing now. I just knew we would be approved, I could stop praying for this adoption that I'm sure won't happen, focus on IVF and our troubles would be over. Strike two. Luckily, Heath shared in my anger and devastation this time. He finally realized what it felt like to have someone tell you that you cannot have a baby. The one thing standing between us and in vitro is getting approved and once again we were denied. It's mind boggling. We make good money. I know we can afford payments. But, Capital One has decided that we don't get to be pregnant yet.

I spent the car ride home in tears. I asked God to please take this desire to be a mother away from me. Why do I want it so badly if I can't have it? I know with all of my being that God has a wonderful and perfect plan for Heath and I. And that plan includes a beautiful, perfect baby. But, I can't help but be overcome by anger sometimes. It really isn't fair. Normal people don't do this. I thought that I had come to terms with our infertility, but on days like yesterday our reality punches me right between the eyes.

I think I'm doing better today. I know that God has blessed Heath and I than so much more than I can imagine. We are absolutely not deserving of all that He has given us. I have the most amazing friends and family, and blog readers (!), who are willing to listen, pray and love me through it all. And, we're going to make it. I'm sure there will be a lot more tears, a little more anger, and loads of lessons learned in the near future. So, bear with me.

.

2008-08-25T11:20:00.001-07:00

It just isn't fair.

Today's a rough day. So was Friday.

I wish I knew how to fix it.

waiting game.

2008-08-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

Still nothing.

But... Heath got a new job on Friday! I'm so proud of him. We are both really excited. Not only does this new job mean no traveling for my hubs, it also comes with a pretty substantial pay raise. So substantial in fact, that we can now easily afford the monthly payment for IVF and actually be able to afford a baby (or two)! You may recall in my last post that I had been having some hesitation about trying for financing in a few months. Mainly because, while we could afford the payments, it would stretch us pretty thin. Now, we could make the payments and not even notice the large dent it would make in our pockets.

Isn't that amazing? I don't know why, but I'm always blown away each time God provides exactly what my heart desires. I had given up on the idea of doing IVF anytime in the near future. I was ready to put all of my eggs, so to speak, in the basket of adoption. I certainly wasn't expecting Heath to find a new job any time soon, or that it would mean a pay raise.

So, for now, we're just planning on trying to financing again in October. I'm not sure what we'll do if that turns out like it did last time - I can't let myself go there. But, at least we have something to look forward to in case this adoption doesn't work out. I still want and pray for that constantly, but I feel like the blow won't be quite as hard if we have a 'back-up' plan.

We're completely open to however God wants to bring a baby into our lives. Please keep praying that it will be revealed to us soon. Thank you.

No news is good news?

2008-08-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Isn't that what they say? In that case, I guess things are going well.

Sarah saw BM's sister Tuesday to let her know that we are very excited about adopting her baby and are willing to meet with her. BM's sister said she thinks BM is somewhere in the middle of the decision process, but she'll let us know when she makes some kind of decision.

We also found out that she is due in September (not even 2 months away! Eeek!) and not October.

I don't have a very good feeling about this. I feel really great about going through with it, but I don't feel like she is going to choose adoption. Maybe it's just self-preservation. And, maybe my 'feeling's don't mean much as far as the outcome anyway. I mean, I thought for sure I'd be bringing a little newborn boy home from Arkansas in February, and we saw how that turned out.

I did ask some non-legal advice from a lawyer Nestie. I found out that the process of private adoption is quite a bit more extensive than I had thought. We'll be finding a lawyer in OKC as soon as we get any word from BM. Then, it's home visits, background checks and, I'm sure, mounds of paperwork. The whole process can take up to a year, but usually a judge will grant temporary custody until the paperwork is complete.

For now, all we can do it wait. If she chooses to meet with us, I know the waiting will only be more difficult. It's hard to not get my hopes up, yet try to mentally prepare for the fact that we could be parents in less than two months.

Hope floats.

2008-08-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But, I've noticed when people say that, the hopes are usually already up there.

With that being said, I'll tell you about our newest development on the "I need a baby right this second" front.

My wonderful friend, Sarah (whom you might remember from the "We almost adopted a newborn baby boy" escapade) has come through once again. And, in the form of another baby. Several months ago, we had Sarah and her husband, Tim over for dinner and she mentioned that Tim's brother's wife's sister (confused yet?) was pregnant and is not fit to be a mother. At the time, adoption had been mentioned but Baby's Mama (we'll call her BM...not bowel movement..from this point on) was very fickle and although everyone was encouraging her to put the baby up for adoption, wasn't a reliable prospect.

Fast forward to today and Sarah calls me to say that BM is now about 6 months pregnant and seriously talking about adoption. Tim's sister-in-law/BM's sister told her that Sarah and Tim have some good friends (us!) who really want a baby and would love to adopt.

So...she wants to meet us.

Crazy, huh?

Of course I told Sarah that we would love to meet her, but I think that the meeting should be as neutral and anonymous as possible. Sarah is going to be talking with BM's sister tomorrow and find out where BM is now in terms of the whole adoption thing.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. I can't say the same for Heath. He's already asked me a few times what we'd name her (it's a girl, by the way)I know that we are no where near being close to adopting this baby, but it doesn't keep me from praying praying praying that things work out. So, I ask that you PLEASE do the same!

BM is due in the middle of October. Which is when we decided we would try again for IVF financing. Lately I've had second thoughts about IVF being the right thing for us right now. It would be $300-400 dollars a month in loan payments FOR SEVEN YEARS on top of the staggering cost of raising a baby. While we are more than financially set to handle such payments, I have wondered if it was something we wanted to take on right now. So, I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately about where we were going with all of this.

Who knows... maybe this is it. Maybe it's just another bump in the road on our way to becoming parents. But, I sat in my Pediatric noon conference today, unable to listen to the speaker with this overwhelming urge that I just want to be a mom. And then I get a call from Sarah on the way home.

So, as you can probably tell from this post....my hopes are up and I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for a lot of heartache again. But, I can't help but think this could be it. We'll see.

So I lied.

2008-08-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

I guess I won't be blogging more now that I'm on an easier rotation. In fact, I haven't blogged at all. Instead, I've been obsessed with reading blogs. I have added more blogs to my google reader (which if you don't have...you should) in the last week than I can count.

If I can pry myself away from my little laptop long enough to do anything, I should be doing dictation that is still leftover from my month on the wards. But, reading blogs is so much more interesting that dictating.

I did have a good weekend off last weekend. My favorite part was laying out by the pool. My porcelin skin missed the feel of the sun beaming down. Since I've been stuck in the hospital for a month, I wasn't used to the heat, let alone the triple digit temps we've been having. So, I left the weekend a little sunburnt and a little hungover, but thoroughly relaxed.

This weekend will unfortunately be spent in the ER. I work both Saturday and Sunday. Maybe I'll see something interesting I can blog about. Until then, I've got nothing.

Oh, I did order the console table from Target I've been eyeing. It's an identical knock-off of this Pottery Barn one, and I love it! It was my first, first paycheck purchase!

Don't send out the search teams yet...

2008-08-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Just when you were starting to worry...

I'm back! Last month proved to be pretty time-intensive. I racked in at least 76 hours a week, with one week's hours soaring to a whopping 84 hours. But, as I mentioned before, I loved every second of it! I'm finally getting used to answering when someone calls me doctor, getting used to getting pages all day, waking up at 4:00 a.m. and hitting the sack at 9:30.

Don't fret, this month will be chock full of posts because I'm now working from 8:30 to 4:30! Although the hours will be heaven, I'm not quite looking forward to this month. You see, I'm on adolescent clinic. Which translates to: rude teenagers with acne and STDs. I'm not a fan of clinic in the first place, and I don't particularly care for patients above the age of 10...so, not a good combination for me. I'm hoping the life that I'll actually get to enjoy outside of work will make up for the misery I'll endure while I'm at work. I've already been sitting at clinic since 8:30, it is now 11:45, and have yet to see a patient, because with a clinic full of teenagers, more than half of them are 'no shows'.

Taking full advantage of my new-found freedom, I've already got a full weekend planned. Heath leaves tonight to head to Dallas with a bunch of rowdy guys for a weekend-long bachelor party. I plan on spending the evening cleaning the house, spending my first paycheck (which I got yesterday!!!) and enjoying a few drinks with a friend. Saturday, I'll be getting rowdy as well for my dear friend's Bachelorette party. Sunday will be a day of recovery and relaxing with my parents. My wonderful parents have agreed to come up to the city on Saturday and stay at my house with the dogs so that I can enjoy a much needed night/early morning out on the town.

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend as much as I'm hoping too. And, look forward to hearing a lot (probably too much) from me in the very near future.

a fab new diet. (tmi? maybe?)

2008-07-14T17:18:00.001-07:00

I lost 5 lbs this weekend. Actually, in a mere 24 hours.

Jealous?

Don't be. I spent ALL day Saturday and ALL day Sunday either in bed or in the bathroom. I have never been sicker in my life. I was pukin' and poopin' til I could no longer puke or poop. Yeah, it's gross, I know.

Oh the irony of it. I had been counting down the days until I finally had a day off....13 days straight of work, 165+ hours and a day off! Glory be! But, I woke Saturday with a tummy ache and ended up on my death bed all day. Then, I had to use my "day off" I had coming up on Thursday in order to stay home on Sunday too. Hmph.

Of course, I feel better today. Since I had to go back to work.

But, in case your wondering, a good gastroenteritis is the perfect way to drop those extra lbs before slipping into that new bikini. Don't forget plenty of saltines and gatorade!

i know my role.

2008-07-10T14:48:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all of your prayers and sweet comments. I woke up this morning....wait, actually it was this evening since I'm on nights, and the answer suddenly seemed blatantly obvious.

I can't adopt M.

I also found out yesterday....or in the middle of the night, whatever, that DHS is looking for an adoptive family that can take M and her older sister. So, rushing little M to the safety of my home didn't seem quite so easy once I found out that news.

I actually feel kind of silly for even posting that yesterday now that the idea of adopting her seems so far away, but that's how I was feeling at the time, so I said it.

So, I'll just continue playing with her, loving on her and praying for her. And I'm okay with that.

knowing my role...

2008-07-09T08:57:00.001-07:00

[I almost didn't post this. I'm not sure why, but I was going to keep these feelings to myself. But you all have been so amazing in offering prayer and support that I decided to go ahead and post]

I've really been struggling with what my role is supposed to be in M's life. I cannot stop thinking about her. I had a long talk with one of the other residents, Kyle, last night who is on the team taking care of M. Apparently there has been a lot of discussion about where she'll end up when she's healthy enough to be discharged from the hospital. Kyle is an amazing guy, strong Christian and has a huge heart. I told him a little bit about our IF struggles and our desire to adopt.

I have had 3 people in the last few days, who know nothing about Heath and I's situation mention, half-jokingly, that I should adopt M. I'm just trying to sort out the feelings I'm having. I'm not sure if I'm having these thoughts because I care about her, and I need to get used to feeling like this about many patients to come in the next few years, or if God is trying to tell me something. Last night, as I was praying for M, and asking God to just pour His love onto her and use me in whatever way He can, I had this vivid image of sitting on my couch with her curled up in my lap. What does that mean??

Surely He can't want me to adopt this little girl? I feel like she would need someone who could be with her all day every day to love on her and give her all the attention she needs. With me working 80 hours a week, I doubt I could give that to her. Obviously there is a high likelihood for behavioral and psychological problems in her future. I know that He would give Heath and I the tools needed to parent her, but it would be so hard.

Maybe my role is smaller than that. Maybe I'm supposed to shower her with love while she's in the hospital. And that's it. I'm fully aware that I won't be able to swoop in and save all of the kiddos that cross my path, and it probably won't get easier to deal with the emotions when they do. Maybe M. will just be that kid that I always think about and pray about. One of those patients that makes a huge impact on my life and the way I practice medicine.

Please just say a little prayer for me. Pray for clarification in what my role is in M's life. Heath and I have only talked about this a little bit. He knows that I've grown attached, but since we're on completely different schedules right now, we haven't gotten to talk about it as much as we'd like to. That's another reason I almost didn't post this.

On another note, we discussed our fertility options a little bit this last weekend. We're trying to decide if we should wait on IVF until we're a little more financially secure and try another route. I'm not quite ready to talk about the other route on here (it isn't adopting M, by the way), but please say another prayer for Heath and I that God will lead us in the direction he wants us to take. A few of the decisions are hard for Heath and some for Me, but I just pray that we'll come to one that works the best for both of us. Thanks!

scarred.

2008-07-07T07:13:00.001-07:00

I'm exhausted -- physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've spent the last 27 hours at the hospital on call. More so than needing sleep, I am heartbroken over what I saw yesterday.

A two year old little girl was brought in by DHS. She has been tortured for the last two years. Luckily an anonymous tip led DHS to her grandparent's house. When asked, the grandparents denied that a child was in the house. After breaking down the door, the police found a tiny, terrified little girl.

Walking into her hospital room, I saw a small, scarred hand sticking out between the bars of the crib. She was curled into a ball, holding onto her left ear with her other hand. Her face was buried in the covers and all I could see were the bandages covering her head and body. Only her legs and arms were exposed. Even her little hands and feet were wrapped in gauze. I decided to let her sleep. God only knows how long it's been since she's really rested.

Returning later, the nurses were struggling to get her blood pressure. It's the first time I saw her face. She has dozens of scars all over her face in all stages of healing. Some look like they've been there a year and others are just forming scabs. She's beautiful, but her eyes were dark and hollow. She stared at me, unsure of whether or not she should trust me. I brought some bubbles with me. After about 5 minutes of blowing bubbles, she reached a timid little finger out and popped a bubble. She still never smiled. I also brought crayons and a coloring book. She watched me color for awhile. I placed a crayon in her hand and she slowly turned it in her fingers. I could tell she wanted to give coloring a try and eventually she reached down and placed the crayon to the paper. We colored for awhile and soon she was handing me colors and babbling at me a little. I had to remind myself that she was two years old. Being severely malnourished, M. is only the size of a one year old. Soon, she was playing with me like any other toddler, but I had to leave to admit a patient. I still never got a smile out of her.

Later that evening, I came back to find her watching Finding Nemo. I could see in her eyes that she recognized me, trusted me and was glad that I was back. We immediately started playing. Once again, the bubbles were a big hit. She was leaning through the rails of her crib following the bubbles to the ground, feeding me crayons and tapping me on the head with her princess wand. We played for about an hour. Her eyes lit up and she was smiling and laughing. She has a perfect little smile. The skin under her left eye dimples a little bit from the scars, but her entire face lights up. When others would come in the room, her demeanor changed and she watched them cautiously until they left. Eventually it was time for me to get back to work. I told her "bye bye" and she immediately pulled herself up and lept into my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck and laid her bandaged little head on my chest. It took all I had not to break down. I stood there, rocking her in my arms for awhile and telling her things I'm sure she's never heard. "You're such a pretty girl, M", "You're safe now", "I love you". I tried once to set her back on her bed and she started whimpering and pulled herself back into my arms. About 10 minutes later the nurse's aid came in and I handed M. over to her.

I fell asleep last night (yes, I actually got a little bit of sleep on call) praying for M. My heart is absolutely broken imagining what this beautiful little girl has been through in the short two years she's been alive. What's even harder to imagine is what is in store for her over the next several months. For now, she's covered in 2nd and 3rd degree burns and badly malnourished. She's safe in the hospital with nurses, doctors and aids who are showering her with a love she's never known. Today, she's wearing her princess outfit that the nurses brought her. But what happens when her burns have turned to scars and she's put on a few lbs?

Please pray for baby M. Pray that God heals her body and her soul. There is a happy, loving little girl in that shell, but it's going to take a lot of love to bring her out.

what a day...

2008-07-01T19:37:00.001-07:00

Whew. I just got home....at 9:30 p.m. I've been up since 4:00 a.m. I have no idea why I'm writing a post on here instead of getting ready for bed. But, I am.

Let's start with how the night before my first day went. I didn't get out of orientation until about 2 p.m. I had decided to skip lunch so that I could finish up earlier and get home. On the way home, I planned on stopping to get gas. My gauge was low, but the light hadn't come on yet. I'm about 3 miles from my house and my car stalls out! So, I had to walk a mile in heels and dress clothes, about to pass out from hypoglycemia, to buy a gas can and get gas. Then, walk back to my car, struggle with filling up the tank (with a whole 2 gallons of gas!) and then drive back to the gas station! My gas light still never came on.

Of course I had to take advantage of this wonderful photo opp.

Fast forward to this morning. As soon as I finished my post, I gathered my doctorly things and hopped in the car. In case you don't know me, I am chronically punctual...almost to a flaw. So, you know I was getting in the car at 5:11 a.m. for the 20 minute drive to work when I wasn't supposed to be there until 6. Of course things couldn't go smoothly.... my car was dead. I mean, dead dead. Like, the engine didn't even think about turning over. What a way to start off my first day of work! Luckily the other intern on my team lives about 15 minutes away and happened to be leaving her house as early as I was. So, she swung by and picked me up. My car being dead wouldn't have been quite as tragic if a) Heath wasn't in Chicago and b) this wasn't the one time he actually drove himself to the airport. So, when I finally finished my incredibly long day today, I had to have my intern friend drive me to the airport to get Heath's truck. Ugh.

As far as my actual first day of work, I loved it! I busted my butt, I almost cried, I was in way over my head and I loved every minute of it! I don't think I sat down for more than 5 minutes today. I wrote so much my hand almost fell off. And, we had a Code Blue at about 7:00 tonight. I'm on the inpatient wards. Rarely do regular pediatric patients code, but of course we had one on my first day! So, about an hour before I was supposed to get off, we hear "beep beep beep CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE". My heart was pounding and I took off running down the halls. Note to self: don't wear slippery heels in the hospital for the fact that you could have to run down the halls/stairs to code a kiddo. Luckily there were about 40 people in the room who all knew way more about running a code than I did. But, it was an interesting way to end the day. I don't think I'll ever forget my first code. I felt horrible for the mom and dad. They were a younger couple and the baby was only about a month old. I just wanted to run over and hug them. Say a prayer for them and the little guy tonight...I knew he made it out okay, but got transferred to the PICU.

I feel so sorry for my poor pups. They've been alone all day. I ran right in the door and took them for a quick walk. I'm sure I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight because they'll be ready to play.

And, I forgot to take a picture of my first day of work. Boo :(

More adventures in interning to come.

i'm so excited....i'm so scared.

2008-07-01T03:06:00.001-07:00

(Saved by the Bell, anyone??)

It's 5:06 a.m. and I'm about to head to the hospital for my first day of work. I hadn't realized how nervous I would be, but my stomach is in knots and the thought of breakfast is nauseating. Please think of me today. I pray that I'm able to step up and fill my new role. I know I have the knowledge but it's been the back corner of my mind for the last 7 months.

Wish me luck!

so, I think they can dance.

2008-06-29T08:18:00.001-07:00

If you haven't been watching this season of So You Think You Can Dance?, you are definitely missing out on some highly entertaining television. I laugh, I cry, I shudder with goosebumps -- it's utterly amazing. And I'm not even a dancer. I have several favorites right now, so it's still too early to tell who will be in the final 4, but so far my least faves have been the ones voted off each week. The couples that stand out right now are: Twitchington (Twitch and Kherrington), Joshua and Katee, Mark and Chelsea, and Courtney and Gev. I haven't posted anything about the show since the auditions, so I thought I would post a few of my favorites up until now. Enjoy!

just a little update.

2008-06-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth... yet. I've been busy the last two weeks with residency orientation. I finished yesterday, so now it's time to start doctoring! I officially start residency on Tuesday -- then I might fall off the face of the earth!

Orientation was so long and boring. There was a little bit of excitement on Wednesday. I just cried and refused to partake in our intubation class...that's all. We had our Neonatal Resuscitation course, and at the end of the day, we had a skills class on intubation, chest tubes and inserting umbilical lines. I had heard that we would be practicing intubation on cats. Yes, live cats. I hate cats, but I love animals and I could foresee a problem with this one. As soon as I saw the vet tech take a tiny limp black kitten out of the cage, I lost it. I, tearfully, told the Attending that I would not be able to participate for ethical reasons. He wasn't very happy about it, but since it wasn't a requirement to pass the course, so there wasn't much he could do. I'm sure they'll continue intubating poor little kittens for years to come (my orthopedic friend intubated goats at his class, yikes!) but hopefully I made a small step towards saving these poor little creatures from the torture of untrained, baby fresh docs jamming ET tubes down their throats.

On a happier note, I got my medical license in the mail today! I think that makes it official. I keep waiting for something to happen to make me actually feel like a doctor, but it hasn't happened yet.

A little more excitement, in a bad way -- I got rear-ended today. I was leaving the eye doctor, feeling blind as a bat with dilated eyes and WHAM! someone slammed into the back of my pretty little car. Thank goodness for SUVs! My Explorer barely has a dent (that I can tell) but her car was probably totaled. Luckily she was insured, I wouldn't be surprised if we found that my car had more damaged than it looks once we take it in to get checked out. Fortunately no one was hurt...but there just happened to be a doctor around in case anyone was. ;)

Now, we're settled in for a nice long weekend at home. Heath leaves again on Monday for Chicago (for hopefully the last time) and I am going to try to get anything and everything done around the house before my time is no longer my own. Hopefully I won't abandon this little 'ol blog when things get busy. Oh, another good thing - I got my schedule and I'm in the ER in December. We have been planning on giving the IVF financing another shot in October and hopefully starting in Nov/Dec, so ER is the perfect rotation to be on. I will work 18 shifts in the month and have several days off in between. So, keep praying that we'll be able to move on to getting pregnant!

Have a wonderful weekend!

lookin' better.

2008-06-21T12:26:00.001-07:00

I thought I would post a few random house pictures. We are still no where near being finished, but we're slowly getting there. We've spent more time on the yard than we have inside the house. Our house is built on a big field, so getting rid of the giant weeds has been quite a task. On top of that, I know nothing about gardening, but I've been trying to make our flower bed look a little better.

Enjoy.

The front of the house. My parents brought us some plants from their house: ground cover, monkey grass and a few lilies (which are originally from my grandmother's house...how cool is that?). I'll post pics when those start to grow in a little.

Our entry way. I love our huge front porch. One of the many items on our "wish list" is some nice furniture to fill the space and maybe some spiral topiaries for in front of the windows (which still need window coverings, by the way). I also want to replace that light fixture with an over-sized hanging lantern from PB.

The guest bedroom. I'm usually not a fan of such bright colors, but I loved these Vera Wang pillows from Khol's.

Master Bedroom. I'm still waiting on the Laura Paisley bedding from Crate and Barrel. But, this will do for now.

Love the ceiling detail.

Here is the other side of our room. We've yet to hang a mirror over the dresser. And, holy wall space...I don't know what to put on vast emptiness that is our walls. But, like I said...it's a start.

Dad's Day (Part 2)

2008-06-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me last night that, had things gone as we planned (that almost makes me laugh-- as if our plan really matters) yesterday would have been Heath's first Father's Day. I almost made it through the day yesterday without even thinking about the fact that one more Father's Day has come and gone without Heath getting to celebrate being a father. In case you don't know my husband, he ~~would make~~ will make an amazing father. He's loving, funny, forgiving, easy-going, understanding, a great uncle, not to mention extremely handsome. Our kids will be lucky to have such a wonderful father.

It's easy for me to only focus on the pain and loss I have suffered by not being able to get pregnant, and not think about the loss that Heath must feel as well. His desire to be a parent is just as great, if not greater, than my own. On our anniversary, his card to me said "You will be a wonderful mother, and I wish I could give that to you". When we first found out we had male infertility, Heath said it was "his fault" we couldn't get pregnant. It broke my heart that he thought he could possibly be to blame. Someone asked me if I was angry at Heath or if our infertility caused a lot of fights between us. My answer was that I know that Heath is the person that I am meant to be with and that infertility is a hurdle that God has put before BOTH of us. It is an obstacle that we will overcome TOGETHER.

There are certainly no guarantees, and I'm learning to sit back and let God take the wheel for awhile, but I hope that Heath and I get to celebrate a Father's Day soon.

Dad's Day.

2008-06-15T17:09:00.001-07:00

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I'm so glad I got to spend the day with you today. Even though you're only an hour and a half away (or two hours if you get a little lost), I wish you were closer. You drive me crazy most of the time, but I think it's safe to say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. From our shared love of a good light beer (or several), our sarcastic sense of humor, our innate ability to drive mom and Sarah up a wall, and a few OCD tendencies...you've definitely made me who I am today. I still appreciate you tucking me into bed each night, laying with me until I fell asleep, and then crawling back into bed with me if I had a nightmare. I'm ashamed to say, I think the last time I did the latter, I was 13! I know Heath is grateful for a father-in-law like you, and I am blessed to have a dad who loves the other man in my life. I hope you had a marvelous day with us and I can't wait to do it again! I love you!

plan b.

2008-06-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

Once again, I was feeling empty and God managed to point me in the right direction to be filled again. I've spent the last several hours reading, crying, praying and finding strength in another's sorrow.

If you do nothing else today, watch this video. It's long, but so worth it. I stumbled across Angie Smith's blog today and cannot begin to describe the inspiration I have found from it. I, obviously, have not suffered the loss of a child, but I have felt loss and hopelessness in my journey to become a mother. God does not have a plan B, He has a plan. It might not mirror our own, but I pray that I am able to approach this plan with an ounce of the strength, humility and praise that Angie and her family has.

This video was done as part of a series at Cross Point Church. I found the video here.

Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.

Tagged. again.

2008-06-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged again!Here Are the Rules: Answer the following questions about yourself. At the end of the post you pass on the questions to 6 other bloggers and list their names. Then write them a comment telling them that they've been tagged and ask them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know that you've accepted the challenge and refer to your post.

1. What did you do 10 years ago?

I was 16, just finishing up my sophomore year of high school. I was dating a soccer player a year older than me. I was one of the first of my friends to drive and have my own car, so I spent a lot of my time cruisin' around town with my girlfriends. We did the most random things -- from staying up all night on the driveway to hide in trees and throw ice at the paper boy, to taking the video camera to Walmart and interviewing random Army guys, telling them we were with the Real World. LOL. I was the shy, quiet one...imagine that!

2. Five items on your to-do list today:

The day is almost over, so this are the things I did

1. Work out

2. Get Heath's oil changed

3. Buy new brake pads and rotors for my car

4. Pick Heath up at airport (this is yet to happen)

5. Pack for Heath's family reunion this weekend.

3. Snacks I enjoy? Vanilla custard-style Yoplait yogurt, reduced fat Cheez-its, fudge bars, any kind of ice cream, animal crackers, colby-jack cheese.

4. What would you do if you were a billionaire? In vitro. And as soon as that was cooking, I'd start working on an adoption. Then, I'd pay off my $200K + in med school loans. Buy both of our parents houses. Send my sister to L.A. and find her a trendy little pad to live in. Travel. Buy a new car. Find a no-kill shelter to donate money to, or start my own.

5. Places I would live: I love Oklahoma. But, I think I'll always kind of regret not moving to Madison, WI when we had the chance. Or California. I loooooove Cali.

Now, I tag: Beka, Courtney, Andrea and Kristal. That's not 6, but everyone else has been tagged!

it's official.

2008-06-01T11:16:00.001-07:00

I'm a doctor. I graduated from medical school yesterday. I was blessed to have about 30 of my family and closest friends there to cheer me on. After 21 consecutive years of school, I am finally done! It's been quite the journey, with lots of victories and defeats, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Heath got me a pair of diamond earrings to replace the one I lost. He also got me a Wii! I actually wasn't aware that I wanted a Wii, but we played for about 5 hours yesterday and I'm hooked! My back and arms are so sore from golfing, boxing, baseball and several hours of MarioKart!

My parents are getting me my first Pediatric stethoscope, in baby pink of course, but until that comes, here was my gift:

It's my Doctor kit from when I was a kid! How cute is that? I love it and I'm so glad they saved it. I had forgotten that I had one until I saw it. Now, I vividly remember listening to my parents' heart and lungs with that plastic stethoscope, testing their reflexes and giving out as many shots as I could.

I don't have any pics of graduation yet, and I'm not sure I'll post them considering how hideous the academic regalia and cap are. But, Beka posted a few pics on her blog.

I could not have asked for a better week with the amazing friends I have made over the last 4 years. Graduation week was a blast. From a carnival-themed Revelry to a night of volleyball, it was the perfect way to say goodbye.

Revelry 2008

moon.bounce.

karaoke.

good.friends.
We'll miss you guys :(

And a Mug 'O Wine.

Senior Banquet 2008.

The Fab 5. I definitely would not have survived without these boys. Congrats, Doctors!

One of the craziest girls I know. I'll definitely be coming to Dallas to partay, Mer!

And, the night wouldn't be complete without me losing something, breaking something (bones included) or ruining an article of clothing. Thank goodness Heath carries an extra shirt in his truck.

Ending the week elebrating with some great friends.

to adopt or not to adopt?

2008-05-27T08:08:00.001-07:00

Lately the thought of adoption has been laying very heavily on my heart. I've been searching the internet for charity programs, grants, any kind of assistance I can find. It doesn't quite make sense to me why God has given me such a desire for adoption, considering it's pricetag is double that of IVF, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it. I've spent time daily thinking about the baby boy that could have been ours. We were this close to bringing that baby home with us. I think about how different our lives would be. I constantly wish that it would have turned out differently, but at the same time, pray for the little boy and his mother, knowing that she made the right choice to raise him herself.

I guess I'm just not really sure where to go from here. Obviously we're forced to wait on IVF due to financing. I just don't know if we should start to pursue adoption. Set up a home visit, request information from agencies... I have have this overwhelming feeling that adoption is right for us, but I don't know how or why. We certainly wouldn't be able to get financing for $30,ooo.

I'm just praying for clarity - some kind of understanding as to why God is opening us up to the idea of adoption more than we already were. I thought that after my appt with Dr. H, it would be obvious to us that IVF is the next step, but now I'm not so sure. Until then, I'll keep praying and see which road God takes us down.

Any advice on where to start from anyone who's gone through this or knows anything about adoption?